I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND

Okay so there’s this stonecutter

being a stonecutter is a pretty shitty job
what you do
is you go to a mountain every day
and you cut off pieces of it
and then you haul the pieces to town and sell them
or make shit out of them or whatever
it is tiring
and boring
and it pays a combination of jack and shit

now this stonecutter
he is acutely aware of how much his job sucks
and one day he goes into town
and he sees this wealthy nobleman
getting carried by on his sedan chair
by a bunch of sweaty peasants
blowing air kisses to all the hot bitches
just generally having a good time
and the stonecutter is like
maaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn
that nobleman is SOOOOOOO powerful
his life must be awesome
I wish that I was a nobleman

and BAM
he’s a nobleman
what the fuck right?
suddenly he’s being carried through town
in his sedan chair
sweaty peasants all groaning under his weight
hot bitches all hiding from his air kisses
and it starts to get really hot in the sedan chair
the nobleman is sweating buckets
through his expensive silk robes
and he is like dag yo
what is powerful enough to make ME
THE MIGHTY NOBLEMAN
SWEAT OUT SO MUCH GODDAMN WATER?
and he looks outside the sedan chair
up into the sky
and sees the SUN
beating down on him
and is like ohhh that’s what it is
because apparently he is an idiot

but then he takes it one step further
he stares at the sun
and is like MAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN
the sun SURE IS POWERFUL
I wish I was the sun

BAM
He’s the sun
now an ordinary man would prolly be like
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
but this man is just like
HAHAHA HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCHES
raining down blinding radiance on all the peasants
scorching all the hot bitches
until suddenly
he finds that there is something between him and the earth
he can no longer make everyone’s life an unspeakable hell
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS SO POWERFUL
THAT IT CAN BLOCK THE RAYS OF ME
THE MIGHTY SUN?
and then he actually THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND
and realizes that it is a cloud

so the sun goes MAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAaaaaAAAN
clouds must be SOOOO powerful
I wish I was clouds

BAM
CLOUDS MOTHERFUCKER
weather forecasts change overnight
from partly cloudy
to MOTHERFUCKING CLOUDS UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW
CLOUDS IN YOUR VILLAGE
RAIN ON YOUR PARADE
CLOUDS IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ROOM
BITCH THERE ARE SO MANY CLOUDS
EVEN THE CLOUDS HAVE CLOUDS
all the peasants are drowning in soaked to fuck fields
and the hot bitches are getting their makeup all washed off
and the clouds are like HAHAHA WHAT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS
BUT SUDDENLY
they are getting moved
pushed away
by some invisible force
and the clouds are like
what the fuck is this
what could have the power to move ME
THE MIGHTY CLOUDS?
OH WAIT
IT’S THE WIND
I FORGOT ABOUT THE WIND

so what does he do?
he goes
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAaaAAaaAAaaAAAAaAaAAAaAAAAAaAAaaaaaAAAaAAAAAAAAaAAAaAAaaaAAAAaAAaAaAaaAAN
the wind is SOOOOOO powerful
I wish I was the wind

BAM
NATURE MAKES ANOTHER SHITTY MISTAKE
AND THIS DUDE IS THE WIND NOW
blowing over the peasant dudes’ houses
ruining the hair of all the hot bitches
literally laughing up a storm
when SUDDENLY
he runs smack into something he can’t move
at TOP SPEED
He doesn’t even need to rhetorically ask what it is
he has clearly just slammed his face into a mountain
so after he’s finished removing a fine dust of his shattered teeth
from all over the place
the wind is like

(say it with me now)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

this mountain is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO POWERFUL
I wish I was this mountain

and BAM
he is a mountain
most powerful object on earth
also thankfully one of the less dangerous objects on earth
so he’s sitting there
being a mountain
feeling pretty good about himself
when SUDDENLY
he feels himself being cut
and changed
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WHAT FORCE COULD POSSIBLY EFFECT ME
THE MIGHTY MOUNTAIN

and he looks down
and right down at the bottom
he sees a stonecutter

NO MORAL TODAY GUYS MY MIND IS TOO BLOWN

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND

  1. this would make a WONDERFUL picture book. just sayin'. actually i want to print out all of the retold myths and bind them (or pay someone to do that for me?) so i can read them when i don't have an internet but this one in particular cries out for beautiful illustrations.

  2. Oh! I have a children’s book version of this! But with mice getting married instead of a stonecutter having an existential crisis.

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