I got fired from my job today

Listen guys
I know the myths I have been posting lately have kind of sucked pretty bad
but the good news is I will have more time to post sucky myths
now that I got fired from my shitty restaurant job
so here’s a myth about another guy who is bad at his job

so there’s this guy right?
a boy, actually
and his job is to watch a whole bunch of sheep all day
and make sure they don’t catch fire or run away
it is a boring job because sheep are boring
like, just being a sheep would be boring
so imagine how boring it would be to WATCH sheep
you don’t even get to be fluffy
so obviously this boy is pretty fed up with this shit
I mean he’s afraid to even count these fuckers in case it causes him to fall asleep
so instead what he decides to do
is start screaming real loud
like HOLY SHIT GUYS
THERE’S A WOLF UP HERE RIGHT NOW
HE’S MURDERING THE SHEEP COME QUICK COME QUICK
and all the village people come running up the hill
like YOUNG MAN
TELL US WHERE IS THE WOLF
and the boy is like HAHA I FOOLED YOU GUYS
MAN, WATCHING YOU ASSHOLES RUN UP THE HILL HAS BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY
LOOK AT YOU
YOU LOOK SO STUPID IN YOUR HARDHATS AND POLICE UNIFORMS
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
WE ARE GOING BACK HOME

so the boy sits up on his hill
and he gets bored again pretty quick
so ten minutes later he starts screaming GUYS GUYS GUYS
THE WOLF IS HERE FOR REAL THIS TIME
HE HAS LIKE
AN UZI AND SHIT
IT IS CHAOS UP HERE I NEED BACKUP
and the village people come marching up the hill like YOUNG MAN
IS THE WOLF EVEN HERE?
and the boy’s like NO MAN
GOD YOU GUYS LOOK SO QUEER
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
FUCK YOU
and they leave

and then ten minutes later a REAL WOLF shows up
mauling the boring right off of these sheep
and the boy is like SAVE ME VILLAGE PEOPLE
but the village people have had enough of this lad’s bullshit
so they don’t even bother to show up until like next morning
when all the sheep are dead
and the kid is like WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU COME UP HERE LAST NIGHT?
and the village people are like WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL EMPLOYED AS A SHEPHERD?
good questions all around
then everyone starves in the winter because no sheep

so the moral of the story
is don’t ever have fun at your job
or everyone will die

the end.

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19 thoughts on “I got fired from my job today

  1. well now that you got rid of that stupid job I look forward to more myths! and please make the 'i will do unspeakable things for money' tshirt and I'll buy a whole bunch for the holidays. xo

  2. Sorry that you got fired, but screw them– they clearly suck. And I've worked way too many places that subscribe heavily to the moral of this story.

  3. I'm sorry about your job, and hope you find something less shitty soon (assuming you want it). But well fucking done on this myth. I may start addressing every comment I make to my son as, "YOUNG MAN, [dah dah dah dadah DAH]" and see how long before he stabs me with a fork.

  4. Hey, sorry to hear about your job. I recently had to quit one before I was fired, so for what it's worth, I can tell you life does go on. By the way, I'm re-training for a career in animal care now, and I've found sheep are more interesting than you might think!

  5. I'm sorry about your job, that sucks like a toothless porn star. Look at the bright side, getting fired from a crap restaurant job is a rite of passage. Mine came with a mighty tortilla pummeling from my boss at the time, so I guess you lucked out? Maybe? Look at it this way, it didn't involve ritual circumcision or mittens full of fire ants taped to your hands.

  6. Oh I hope what you wrote on the comment is not necessarily true. I'm sorry about your job and I hope you don't loose the joy rewriting myths or making videos. And I hope you feel better soon :)

  7. Everyone is losing their footing on this conveyer belt of death we`ve been calling the American way. "The moving walkway is now coming to an end. Please look down."

  8. Sorry 'bout the day job. :( but it sounds like it sucked ass, so anything else you get will be better, right?

    more myths means I stalk you more. so I don't know if you wanna write more or write less.

  9. Sorry about the job, man. If it makes you feel any better, I really dig your site, even when the myths (allegedly; I didn't notice any drop in quality) suck.

  10. I second one of the Anonymous's suggestion, job or no job: turn this stuff into a book! You could even make it a series, like a book for Greek stuff, a book for fairy tales, etc. You've already done most of the hard work since you've already written a ton of myths over the years.

  11. At least it was a crappy job, and not one you loved…and I'd buy a book of these myths – they're perfect for my brothers.

  12. Ovid, to jump on this bandwagon, it does seem like you may be at the point where authors of successful blogs are able to put their posts into a book format and sell it in various internet and non-internet places. It worked for Scott Adams and the lolcat people and who knows who else. Maybe you don't want to sell out, but if you do want to sell out, I can think of worse ways. It doesn't even have to be "selling out." Just an idea, what do I know.

  13. Happy Birthday Dude! Still suck at working in a restaurant huh? Oh well, you're a better storyteller anyways. It's always a pleasure to hear the nonsense that creeps out of that nogin of yours. Take care man. Keep on keepin' on.Jake

  14. Sorry to hear about the job dude, for what it's worth I thoroughly enjoy your particular brand of awesome, and I would buy a primative analog version of your retold myths so hard you would not believe it my friend.

  15. sorry about your job. if it makes you feel better, i also got fired recently and i'm spending the extra time reading your blog. we're like two sides of the same unemployed coin, except i don't have any coins anymore.

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