Isaac Newton Invented Gravity But Who Gives a Shit

You guys all know who Isaac Newton is
he’s that british dude with a talent for getting fruit-induced concussions
and then revolutionizing physics or whatever
he’s the guy who came up with those three laws of motion:
1) objects are lazy unless they’re already going somewhere in which case look out
2) something about force vectors
3) If you hit a dude, he will hit you back at least as hard as you hit him

but guys
I ask pose to you this question:
WHO CARRREEEEESSSSSSSS?
As Dirk Gently points out in Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency
someone was gonna discover gravity eventually
that shit’s on ALL THE TIME
that’s like if we made a big deal out of the guy who discovered pooping
like, sure, pooping is a big deal
but it’s not like you really had to go out of your way to discover it, dude
you just had to go

No, the real story, my friends, is not about Isaac Newton
it is about a dude who Isaac Newton sentenced to DEATH
YEAH
Did you know you could gain the power to kill dudes by being good at math?
well, actually you can’t
you have to also get appointed the head of the british mint
and spend all your time running around undercover
arresting counterfeiters for years and years
which is exactly what Newton did
because I guess he was tired of shaking the foundations of our understanding of the universe?

anyway the guy I’m referring to is a dude named William Chaloner
and he is essentially the best criminal ever
he grew up in Birmingham, where he made a living counterfeiting pennies
but that’s a really slow way to get rich
so pretty soon he moved to London and started selling dildos
BUT NOT JUST ANY DILDOS, MY FRIENDS
these were dildos concealed inside of WATCHES
that’s some James Bond shit
or more accurately
some Austin Powers shit
I mean how do you even do that
how can you cram a satisfying amount of dildo into a wristwatch?
the secret died with William Chaloner

but until he died
William dished out currency like he was making it rain at a strip club
except if william had made it rain the kind of currency he was counterfeiting
everybody would have died
because William was counterfeiting SOLID GOLD COINS
(I mean his coins weren’t solid gold
but they were supposed to be)
and he got SO RICH doing this
that he was able to pose as a british nobleman

so William goes to parliament
with his new fancy clothes and diamond carriage and whatever
and he’s like “Listen, guys
the british mint basically sucks every chode
It is so incredibly easy to make fake coins
you might as well just hand out a check to every citizen
that just says “FREE INFINITE MONEY”
so here’s what you do:
you appoint ME as the head of the british mint
I will make sure NOBODY counterfeits your coins
because I uh
I know about counterfeiting”

YES FRIENDS
THE DUDE WHO MAKES ALL THE FAKE COINS IN BRITAIN
WALKS INTO PARLIAMENT
AND APPLIES FOR A JOB
AS THE HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT THAT MAKES ALL THE REAL COINS IN BRITAIN
dude has some brass balls
although considering his profession
I would estimate that his balls are only 45% brass at most

But Isaac Newton is having none of it
he’s like “SERIOUSLY GUYS?
COME ON
THIS DUDE IS OBVIOUSLY A CRIMINAL”
and parliament is like “oh shit.”
and then William runs away
to the suburbs
where he not only continues making fake coins
but also starts printing counterfeit hundred-pound bills
from the newly-formed bank of england
and when the bank of england finds out
he just turns in one of his accomplices
for forging blank checks from the CITY ORPHAN’S FUND
and is rewarded for his efforts with another 200 pounds
plus he gets to keep all the money he already stole

so Isaac Newton is tearing his hair out back at the mint
and meanwhile William Chaloner is counterfeiting lottery tickets
he’s counterfeiting more coins
and he’s having sex with all the ladies who counterfeit coins
and he’s naming his accomplices every time he gets in trouble
(INCLUDING HIS OWN ALIAS)
and he’s also just straight framing people as members of obscure religious sects
then busting them
and collecting fat rewards from the british crown
at this point I am beginning to understand why they took so long to put him in jail
because every day William Chaloner spends free
like TWELVE OTHER PEOPLE GO TO JAIL

But it turns out that ceaseless betrayal and endless crime is not a good long term strategy
because pretty soon another forger turns William in
and they find his fake lottery tickets too
plus he printed all those hundred pound notes
and even though NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS ARE A FELONY YET FOR SOME REASON
that’s still enough to put him in jail while Newton constructs THE ULTIMATE CASE

Newton is intent on not fucking up this time
he’s tried a lot of stuff
he has personally gone undercover to collect evidence
he has re-designed british coinage with security features
he has recalled ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE COINAGE IN BRITAIN
and now he has developed a comprehensive network of spies and informants
pretty much with the sole goal
of shitting in William Chaloner’s breakfast
and it works
he fields eight witnesses
and William doesn’t have any friends left because he sold them all out
and it takes the jury like three minutes to be like “hang that bitch”
so they do
and it’s gross
but hey, it was fun while it lasted

so the moral of the story
is that you can completely revolutionize science and mathematics
change the way we view the solar system
and create groundbreaking inventions for everything from tamper-proof currency to cat doors
but in the end
you are never going to be as interesting
as a dude who makes fake shiny things

THE END

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8 thoughts on “Isaac Newton Invented Gravity But Who Gives a Shit

  1. “dude has some brass balls
    although considering his profession
    I would estimate that his balls are only 45% brass at most”

    COUNTERFEIT BALLS

    I CAN’T BREATHE

  2. i may be drunk but i can tell when shits funny and this shit is pretty much as funny as it gets
    and im not just saying that ovid
    im pretty much a culinary genious an d i think that this might just be the top chef!!!

    • okay, like
      is this at all relevant to the story
      do you sell counterfeit websites
      or run a counterfeit directory
      how would that even work
      you point people to FAKE VERSIONS OF REAL SITES
      and use it to get their credit cards or something

      cause if you do i would like to have a few words with you about something that showed up on my statement

  3. Pingback: Newton and the Counterfeiter | Stuffilike.net

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  5. Pingback: William Cole Buys a Lot of Poop | Myths RETOLD

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