It was awesome being a poet in ancient Ireland

wow
so i was like 4AM last night and I was casting about for a myth to do
and I look at my bookshelf and WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
a book entitled ANCIENT IRISH TALES?
totally forgot I looted that off of someone’s table at burning man
so here goes some irish shit

okay so there’s this dude Niall right?
he’s pretty cool
he’s the king of all Ireland or whatever
he’s kind of homies with this dude Eochaid
and so Eochaid gets done partying at his house
for like DAYS
and sets off to walk back to is crib down south
but it’s more than a few blocks back to Eochaid’s crib
in fact it is DAYS AND DAYS
so Eochaid decides to take a quick break from one-manning it across a country
and hits up the castle of Laidcenn, Niall’s chief poet
seriously
chief poet
that was a fucking career option back in ancient Ireland
and you got paid in CASTLES
gonna go ahead and add 11th century Ireland to the list
the list of time periods that my parents unjustly failed to birth me into

so Eochaid rolls up to this castle
like YO
CHIEF POET
I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY COMMITTING POESIES OR WHATEVER
BUT CAN YOU HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A BITE TO EAT
and Laidcenn is like
GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HAIRY LASS
NO BITE YOU’LL EAT BUT OF MY ASS
so Eochaid walks home
hungry and kind of embarassed

alright guys
so you know how when someone denies your god-given right to crash at their place
so you leave
and come back later with your army
and burn down their house and kill their sons?
well then you must be irish
because this kind of shit apparently happens there ALL THE TIME
so yeah Eochaid is standing in the ruins of Laidcenn’s house
like BITE YOUR ASS HUH?
HOW ABOUT I BITE YOUR DEAD SON’S ASS?
HOW ABOUT THAT
and Laidcenn is like diude
i’m pretty sure that’s cannibalistic necropheliac child molestation
and Eochaid is like dude
we live in a world where burning down your house and killing your son is legal
i don’t think it is much of a stretch to assume i can also eat his corpse’s ass
and Laidcenn is like fair point
and Eochaid leaves

but that is not the last Eochaid hears of Laidcenn
because what Laidcenn proceeds to do
is lampoon the everloving FUCK out of Eochaid and all his dudes
he satirizes those fuckers so hard THEIR PLANTS STOP GROWING
okay no wonder this guy got a castle
his lyrics are so heart-cloggingly dense
that they are actually BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS
and then on top of that Niall decides to go raid Eochaid’s territory
and tells everyone he won’t leave until he gets Eochaid as a souvenir
so everyone is like fuck dude sorry
we like you
but we don’t like you enough to have Niall skullfuck our countryside forever
so Eochaid is delivered to Niall
and chained by the throat to a stone pillar
and then Niall sends nine dudes to stab him to death
and Eochaid is like well this isn’t any good
and proceeds to just lightly snap all the chains with his throat
then uses them to beat all nine dudes to death
Eochaid: not someone I would want to arm-wrestle

so Niall hears about this
and he rides all the way back down to Eochaid’s place
and he’s like seriously dude?
alright
new deal
we’re gonna keep skullfucking the countryside
until you come meet us by the river for as long as a cow is being milked
I guess because they didn’t have hourglasses in those days
but it’s okay because a cow is basically a living breathing hourglass
with edible sand
and edible glass too I guess
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

anyway Eochaid shows up at the river
with all his dudes
and he takes off all his weapons
and then Laidcenn shows up on the other side of the river
and just starts insulting the FUCK out of everyone
hurling weapons-grade burns across the river so hard that people’s faces are melting
and Eochaid is just like fuck this
takes a rock he kept tied to his belt
and throws it directly through Laidcenn’s skull
haha why did they try and tell this guy to put down all his weapons
all that is necessary for Eochaid to have a weapon
is for Eochaid to have ANY OBJECT AT ALL
but yeah Laidcenn dies
and they compose a quatrain in honor of his death
here it is, reproduced verbatim:

A champion’s handstone – tis well known – was hurled
Eochad son of Enna threw it at Laidcenn the son of Bairchid

that’s the kind of shit you churn out
when your chief poet just got hit in the head with a big rock
SOLID GOLD

so at this point Niall is just like fuck this
Eochaid
how about you’re just exiled
I’m done trying to talk to you or kill you or whatever
and Eochaid is like fair deal
so he goes and hits up his homie Erc
who is the son of Eochaid but maybe it is a different Eochaid

anyway meanwhile Niall earns is super rad nickname:
Niall of the Nine Hostages
because he takes hostages from basically everybody every place
he’s got five from ireland
one from scotland
one from the saxons
one from the britons
and one from the franks
basically no one is gonna fuck with him because then it’s shit city for the hostages

but Niall isn’t satisfied with nine hostages
pleasantly alliterative or not
he ain’t gonna stop til he’s got ALL THE HOSTAGES FOREVER
so he starts rollin on down towards italy
and he stops at the Alps
and Rome saves him the trouble by sending hostages to him
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ALPS
that’s right
Niall is such a rad hostage-taker
he is getting hostages via special delivery

but then the story diverges a little bit
some people say he died because he was busy showing his junk to some french chicks
who REALLY WANTED TO SEE HIS JUNK
which is pretty rad honestly
i’d be okay with dying of a nudity overdose in front of dong-hungry french ladies
but then there are other people who say that Eochaid showed up with more hostages
both Eochaids
or else they are the same Eochaid and just the one Eochaid showed up
I really don’t know
but either way
then Eochaid shoots Niall in the head with an arrow
marking the first time Eochaid ever killed anyone with an ACTUAL WEAPON
and then everyone is sad about it
and they fight like seven battles in front of the corpse
because hey
someone already opened up a fresh case of murder
it’d be a shame to let it go to waste
oh yeah and I guess some people are sad and they write poems about it

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care how many hostages you have
don’t piss off a guy who can kill flawlessly with any object at over 100 yards

THE END.

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2 thoughts on “It was awesome being a poet in ancient Ireland

  1. Pingback: Niall Sure Knows How To Take One For The Team | Myths RETOLD

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