Niall Sure Knows How To Take One For The Team

Oh, Joseph Campbell
you tell me the silliest stories

Okay so there’s five celtic bros
they are the sons of this dude named Eochaid
i’m not sure if this is the same Eochaid I’ve already talked about
probably he’s not though
because one of the bros you are about to hear about is named Niall
who Eochaid kills in the other story
so I dunno
either it’s a different Eochaid
or they have a really shitty family
BOTH ARE PLAUSIBLE

ANYWAY
Niall and his four other bros are all lost somewhere in Ireland
and this is bad because nobody thought to pack any water
so they’re like alright gang
let’s split up
and try to find some water
and by split up
I mean let’s all take turns going to the EXACT SAME PLACE
so they do.
So the first dude to find a well is this dude Fergus
you can already tell he’s gonna fuck up
because he’s named Fergus
when has anyone named Fergus ever done anything right?
I am sorry if your name is Fergus
and doubly sorry if your name is Fergus Fergeson
but that is exactly why they invented changing your name

so anyway, Fergus Ferguson finds this well
and standing in front of the well
is just the most BODACIOUSLY UGLY BROAD
he has EVER SEEN
to say that she had a horse-face would be an understatement
it is more like her face is the balls of a horse
or else her whole body is a horse’s taint
not a good horse, either
and definitely not a good taint
although I guess
what taint has ever been good
the point is
even a passing glance at this wench while perusing a where’s waldo puzzle
would be sufficient to induce a permanent and debilitating case of dickwilt
I mean this chick’s got TUSKS, man
GREEN TUSKS.
This is not even human stuff anymore
this is like a missus-potato-head of disaster up in this well.

So obviously Fergus sees this chick and he is just like HIGGITY HELL NO
and the chick is like dude
i haven’t even made my offer yet
my offer is:
you can have as much of this well-water as you want
if you make out with my lips
and Fergus is like BITCH I WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN LOOKING FOR YOUR LIPS
AND ONCE I FOUND THEM I WOULD WANT TO IMMEDIATELY PUT THEM BACK WHERE I FOUND THEM
I WOULD STRAIGHT UP RATHER DIE OF DEHYDRATION WHILE SHITTING MYSELF TWICE IN A CHURCH PEW
and the chick is like alright dude, suit yourself
and Fergus goes back to his bros

so this keeps happening
obviously
I mean why would there be five bros in this story if they weren’t all gonna make the same mistake
so Olioll, Brian and Fiachra all do the same thing Fergus did
and they all come back without any water
and they all congratulate each other on maintaining their high standards
even in the face of IMMINENT DEATH
until finally the fifth bro
who is named Niall, like I said earlier
is like guys
fuck this
we need water
and you are all acting like fucking third-graders
brb

so Niall goes to the well
and the chick is like You know the deal, right?
and Niall is like ayup
dig out them lips, sister
and she does
and he he’s like Check it out
i will even throw in a hug for free
so he gets all physical with the witchbag
and then WHABAM
INSTANT HOT CHICK
Okay honestly guys
who among you did NOT see this coming?
I swear
I feel like dudes in myths would have so much easier times
if they just knew they were in myths
so Niall is like girl
you are a galaxy of charms
can I get your number?
which is SUCH A GOOD LINE AND I AM GOING TO USE IT ALL THE TIME
and the chick is like we do not have phones, so no
but i will give you my name
I am ROYAL RULE
and by making out with me you have been entered to win KINGSHIP FOREVER
so congratulations
you and your kids are gonna be all the kings
oh and my ugliness was a metaphor for how you have to fight battles to be king and stuff
and Niall is just sort of nodding and staring at her tits so he probably misses that part
but then yeah
he brings water back to his bros
and they don’t die
and also he gets to be king for a longass time
until Eochaid
who may or may not be his dad
puts an arrow all the way through his skull.

So the moral of the story
is that it is truly a great and noble thing
to be the wingman.

THE END.

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3 thoughts on “Niall Sure Knows How To Take One For The Team

  1. So I hear you like celtic myths… well, I was wondering if some day you might consider doing The Pursuit of Diarmuid and Grainne?

    On a higher note, I have never heard of this myth before (you are introducing me to all kinds of new myths here and restoring my lost love of mythology) and man, Niall is a Bro among Bros. Love your retellings. ♥

  2. Dying from a lack of water? In Ireland? My disbelief is officially un-suspended.

    Now, if the magical shape-changing woman had been guarding an internet connection that allowed access to US-only media content, that I could believe.

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