Ixion does not know when to stop being an asshole

Guys I have an announcement:
(Don’t worry there is a totally sweet myth under all this lame text)

I am really fucking tired
I need to take a break from doing this blog
for about a couple of weeks
to recover from grad apps, pending illness, travel
and also maybe have time to actually put all the links in these posts
where they are SUPPOSED TO BE
AND NEVER END UP BEING BECAUSE I MAKE POSTS FASTER THAN I DO LINKS
Tuesday is going to be my last post until JANUARY FIRST 2011
so between tuesday and January 1st
try not to die of withdrawal or something?
Additionally if anyone wants to do guest myths now would be the time
lemme know in the comments and we’ll work something out.

OK SO MYTH NOW

Ixion, right?
fuuuuuuck this guy
so first of all
this takes place WAYYY back in the day
back before assholes like Medea and Thyestes
when the bar for being a completely incomprehensible toolshed of a human being
was set pretty low
well guess how it got set so high?
THAT’S RIGHT
IXION

basically what he does
is he marries this chick Dia
which is great
except apparently women cost money in ancient greece
payable directly to their fathers upon marriage
but see Ixion kind of forgets to pay any money at all
so Dia’s dad Deioneus is like
ok well fine
i guess if you aren’t going to pay me
I’m going to pay you
in ANTIHORSES
by which I mean I am going to steal your horses
BAM

so Ixion gets wind of this
and he is like what the fuck
all i was trying to do was liberate women
because paying their fathers money for them
just strengthens the unjust marrying-off-your-daughters industry
(see what Ixion has done here
is he has invented the ancient greek version of bittorrent
but for sex
which is sadly the only thing modern bittorrent cannot provide
YET)
no really dude I am a humanitarian
excuse me while i invite you over to my house for dinner
and then push you into these hot coals I found
thus burning you alive
oh hey aren’t you my father in law?
guess that makes me the FIRST PERSON EVER TO KILL A MEMBER OF MY OWN FAMILY
WHO WAS ALSO A GUEST IN MY HOME
wow I’m just racking up points huh
I actually feel a little bit shitty about this
maybe that is enough to convince my neighbors to absolve me of my sins

turns out nope
no one wants to go near this guy
you have to understand
this kind of bullshit was literally INCOMPREHENSIBLE before Ixion did it
or maybe people thought about it
but they never actually ACTED on those thoughts
so everyone is just like shit dude
you’re on your own
and Ixion is like WHY ME
ALL I DID WAS STEAL MY WIFE AND THEN SET HER DAD ON FIRE
and zeus hears him crying
and is like now THIS is a dude i can sympathize with
hey Ixion do you want to come up to Olympus
we’re having a party
we got booze and hot chicks
and Ixion is like now hold on a second
you’re not going to try and make me pay MONEY for those hot chicks are you
and zeus is like fuck no what do you take me for
some sort of dude who doesn’t like getting laid for free or something?

so Ixion shows up at the party
and immediately sees this chick who is a seven-layered hummus dip
of pure sexy attractiveness
like
his eyes straight up do that thing
where they shoot out like seven feet in front of him
and make foghorn noises
except wait it isn’t his eyes it’s his dick i’m sorry

now normally this would not be a problem
i mean this is basically ALL BACCHUS EVER DOES AT THESE EVENTS
if not for one little problem
which is that this sexy honey Ixion has his balls set on
is HERA
and rumor starts getting around that Ixion is trying to bang her
now, zeus is of course legendary for his infidelity
(although to be fair this myth may take place before most of that shit
but actually
trying to establish a chronological canon for greek mythology
is kind of like trying to establish a canonical chronology
for a cannon
while it is constantly firing cannonballs at you
also the cannonballs are full of angry ferrets)
but regardless Zeus cannot ABIDE by the idea
that some dude might be mindcaressing his womantrophy with his eyedicks
but he likes Ixion for some reason
so he decides to give him the benefit of the doubt
and test him to see if any of this shit is true

so what Zeus does
is he makes a fully functional Hera sex doll out of clouds
and then Ixion sees it
and he is like OH DAMN
and he fucks it to PIECES
and gets it PREGNANT
wait PREGNANT?
WHAT?
THIS JUST IN SCIENTISTS
CLOUDS HAVE UTERUSES NOW
GREAT JOB EVERYONE
THERE GOES MY FANTASY OF JACKING OFF OUT AN AIRPLANE WINDOW
yeah and then cloudhera has a baby
a baby named centaurus
who is a total asshole and rapes a chick and fathers a race of monsters
give you three guesses what that race ends up being called
no not gremlins
or chupacabras
give up?
CENTAURS! DING DING DING CORRECT

meanwhile Zeus gets pretty super pissed
and duct tapes Ixion to a giant wheel of fire
you know
as you tend to do when someone impregnates a replica you made of your wife
and Ixion rolls around the sky for a while
screaming, etc
until everyone gets tired of listening to him and they put him in Tartarus

I think we have all learned something today
which is NEVER fuck clouds
no matter how voluptuous or lifelike they appear
because they are going to get pregnant
and you are going to end up on fire
and anyway I hear clouds don’t put out

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Ixion does not know when to stop being an asshole

  1. Blogcation! Rad.

    If I weren't going to the rural wilds for two weeks tomorrow I would totally guestpost with my sweet made-up myths about awesome ladies. Guess that will have to wait for another time though.

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