Johnny Appleseed Has a Kevlar Scrotum

So America, right?

It has all these fucking trees
but most of them suck
(this is 200 years ago by the way
now i feel like we have significantly fewer trees
but i’m not sure what percentage of them suck)
we got all these like
cedar trees
pine trees
weeping willows
what the fuck guys
weeping willows?
I’m supposed to give a shit about a tree
that does nothing but bitch all day?
what do you have to cry about, asshole
you’re a fucking TREE
GET A JOB

but see what we don’t have at all
is FREE FOOD TREES
all over america
there are hungry dudes
just DREAMING of free food trees
all covered in bacon and waffles
also cigarettes and whiskey
most of these hungry dudes are homeless dudes coincidentally
have you ever listened to the song “the big rock candy mountain,”
like
REALLY listened to it?
it’s a song for homeless dudes
straight up

ENTER JOHNNY APPLESEED
this is a dude
who for FORTY-NINE YEARS
dedicates his life
to kicking hunger in the nuts
he just walks around all over the place
- BAREFOOT, MIND YOU –
with a big old sack of apple seeds
planting trees and taking names
names of people who need to be FED
and then FEEDING THEM APPLES
He wears a pot on his head instead of a hat
and this is super convenient
because what other kind of hat can you make soup in
other than a souphat
and can someone please tell me where I can get a souphat?
also what is a souphat?
I think I made that up
anyway this dude’s feet are SO TOUGH
that one time a rattlesnake tries to bite him in the foot
and it just cannot pierce the rhinoceros hide
that passes for johnny appleseeds’ footskin
also when he gets bored he CHILLS WITH BEARS

Native americans totally dig this dude
i mean what’s not to like
here comes that white dude with no shoes and a pot on his head
handing out apples
do you think he might be crazy?
who gives a shit
at least he’s not setting us on fire and taking our houses
so even when all the tribes basically everywhere
start murdering pioneers
they leave johnny appleseed alone
which he views as a perfect opportunity
to warn all the settlers that there are indians a-comin
at one point he actually runs 26 miles in order to do this
TWENTY SIX MILES MY FRIENDS
THAT IS ONLY ABOUT 300 YARDS SHORT OF A MARATHON
YOU KNOW WHAT FORGET I SAID THAT
IT DOESN’T SOUND THAT COOL WHEN I SAY IT THAT WAY
anyway yeah he does that
and probably thousands more indians die because of it
so good job johnny appleseed
but really mainly he just plants apple trees

the moral of the story
is what the fuck have hippies been up to for the last 200 years
johnny appleseed is one fucking guy
and yet he managed to make a veritable buttload of foodtrees
some of which STILL FUCKING EXIST
meanwhile I’m supposed to get a boner over some asshole duct taped to a live oak?
You can’t eat acorns, asshole
i mean you can
but fuck that
what am I, a squirrel?

The end.

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10 thoughts on “Johnny Appleseed Has a Kevlar Scrotum

  1. Looks like it got sent to my spam folder. Whereas berry-a's loud encouragements to collect the 5 million pounds i won in the tobacoo sweepstakes are going straight to my inbox. Thanks gmail. I'll save this for the next time I'm tired of writing myths.

  2. So. This is a little old (because a month on the internet is, like, 50 years realtime) but I just gotta say:

    Acorn flour = delicious bread and pancakes.

    Also: I am not a squirrel.

  3. There's also this thing where Johnny Appleseed was supposed to be into religion and kids…he was engaged once to this girl who was like eleven years old…

  4. You now need to make a video with a souphat. if you haven't already, of course. I'm still working my way through the video archives. :P

  5. I can't believe no one has brought this up yet but I was taught in high school that you can't actually grow edible apples from seeds consistently, you have to graft them, so Johnny Appleseed was not actually planting foodtrees, he was planting boozetrees.

  6. Wikipedia says that Big Rock Candy Mountain is indeed a hobo’s idea of paradise. Blah blah blah Cockaigne blah blah Tom Waits cover.

    Google gave me a white pages result for ‘souphat’ that is a fellow named Souphat Phetchareun, and a facebook group created a year before this myth was posted.

  7. Johnny appleseed wasn’t planting free food trees. He was planting booze trees. See, just planting an apple seed won’t get you an edible apple most of the time. They grow up misshapen or bitter. But what you can use them for is Apple Cider and Apple Jack. So Johnny appleseed would go out ahead of settlers planting apple seeds so that when they made their way to him he could sell the apple trees and they would be less miserable because they would be drunk.

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