Life Sucks When You Don’t Have Hands

This fairytale I am about to tell you
comes courtesy of some chick named Scarlett Messenger
seriously that’s her name
I couldn’t make up a name that sweet if I tried
it’s like she’s probably running around right now
delivering scarlet messages to absolutely everybody all the time
but anyway yeah here’s a weird story:

so there’s this miller

he’s mega poor
all he’s got is his mill
and an apple tree directly behind the mill
so one day he’s out in the forest chopping some wood
and this old man comes up to him like HEY
WHY YOU WASTIN’ TIME CHOPPING WOOD
I CAN MAKE YOU RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GIVE ME WHATEVER IS BEHIND YOUR MILL
and the miller is like seriously?
SWEET
all I got back there is some damn apple tree
it’s not suspicious at all that you made the request so general
and did not ask specifically for my apple tree
LET’S SHAKE ON IT
MAYBE SIGN A CONTRACT IN BLOOD
I DUNNO
and the old man is like HAHAHA SWEET
I WILL BE BACK IN 3 YEARS TO COLLECT MY PAYMENT
maybe you guys didn’t guess
but this old man is actually SATAN
OH SHIT

so the miller goes home
and his wife is like hey honey
what’s with all these vast riches that suddenly appeared in our house for no reason
and the miller is like oh funny story actually
I met satan and I promised him whatever was behind out mill
in exchange for vast riches suddenly appearing in my house
sweet deal right?
and his wife is like YOU IDIOT
OUR DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING IN THE YARD WHEN YOU MADE THAT DEAL
WHAT THE HELL

so the daughter finds out about this obviously
and spends the next few years being pious as fuck
and then when satan comes back
she draws a chalk circle around herself
and washes up real good
and satan gets there and he’s like OH DAMN
I CAN’T TAKE THIS GIRL AWAY
SHE IS TOO CLEAN
YOU THERE, MILLER
RESTRICT HER ACCESS TO BATHING WATER AND I WILL RETURN TOMORROW
OTHERWISE I WILL TAKE YOU INSTEAD
and then he leaves
and instead of doing the sensible thing and just taking a shower himself
the miller restricts his daughter’s access to baths for 24 hours
and then satan comes back
but see the problem is that the girl has cried into her hands SO HARD
that they are 100% DISINFECTED
and he’s like dammit man
now you gotta cut off your hands
and the miller is like uh sorry daughter
looks like I gotta cut off your hands
this totally hurts me more than it hurts you
and then he cuts off her hands
and satan leaves
and when he comes back the next day
the girl has cried onto her stumps SO HARD
that her FUCKING STUMPS ARE CLEAN
and at this point Satan is like you know what
fuck this
i’m leaving
and the miller is like sah-weet!
hey daughter
now we can live in luxury forever, right?
right?
and the daughter is like dude
you cut off my fucking hands
I’m out of here

so she starts walking
and pretty soon she sees this big garden surrounded by a moat
and she’s so hungry
but she can’t cross the moat
so then suddenly an angel comes down and dries up the moat with fire breath
and then leads her into the garden and helps her grab pears with her mouth
and the gardener sees this and he’s like what the fuuuuuck
and he tells the king
and the king is like uhh bullshit my friend
and the gardener is like if you don’t believe me then stay and watch tonight
so the king does
and he sees this chick
and he’s like hey girl what’s with the no hands?
and the girl is like well basically
my life sucks real bad and my dad is an asshole
and the king is like oh man
I suddenly want to marry you
I don’t even know why

so they get married
and the king makes some hands for her out of silver
which is pretty useless but it’s a nice gesture
and then he goes off to war
and he tells his mom to take good care of the girl if she ends up being pregnant
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
pretty soon she ends up being pregnant
but see Satan is not done fucking with this girl
because when the grandmother sends a message to the king
Satan makes the messenger fall asleep
and then replaces the message that says “Congratulations! It’s a boy!”
with one that says “Congratulations! It’s a HORRIBLE CHANGELING YOU SHOULD KILL IT”
but the king just reads the message and is like well
that’s weird
but i’m not gonna get all butthurt about it
and he sends back a message to that effect
but satan swaps it out AGAIN
so that instead of saying “Tell my son I say hi”
it says “KILL my son and cut out his EYES”
and the grandmother is pretty pissed about that
so instead of killing the kid
she kills a baby deer
and cuts out ITS eyes
and then is like hey queen girl
you should get the fuck out of here
NOW

so the queen gets the fuck out of there
and she goes into the woods
and she finds a place that says “ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME”
and she’s like sweet
perfect
just what I need
so she walks up to the door and a PURE WHITE VIRGIN COMES OUT
I don’t know it is obvious that she is a virgin
maybe she has a big V written on her face in lipstick or something
but anyway it turns out she’s an angel
and she has been specifically sent to give this chick a secret hideout
so she proceeds to hide out there for SEVEN YEARS
until the king comes home from the war
and he’s like hey mom
where’s my wife and son
and the gramma is like uh
you told me to cut out the kid’s eyes and tongue?
and the king is like WHAT?
NO.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAN!
and then he gets on his horse and rides absolutely everywhere
until he finds the cabin that says ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME
and he goes inside
and the pure white virgin is like hey guess what
your wife is here
also her son
whose name is “Filled-With-Grief”
pretty emo if you ask me
and then the queen busts out like HEY HUSBAND WHAT’S UP
and the king is like WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE HANDS
because oh yeah
the queen was so pious and godly and stuff for seven years
that her FUCKING HANDS GREW BACK
and she’s like oh
you don’t believe it’s me, huh?
well here’s those useless shitty silver hands you made me
and the king is like oh
awesome
i guess it really is you
and then they live happily ever after
along with their son whose name is still Filled-With-Grief

so the moral of the story
is try not to name your kids during post-partum depression
it is a recipe for disaster

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Life Sucks When You Don’t Have Hands

  1. tenpou answered the question that I was about to ask, which was whether or not this story is an allegory because what the fuck is even going on in it.

  2. Pingback: Hans-My-Hedgehog is Just Some Dude’s Crazy Acid Trip | Myths RETOLD

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