Local father discovers immortality with this one weird tip

So Anansi again

yeah, see, since I just established
that all the stories are belong to Anansi
I figured I should maybe tell more than one story about him
So here goes:
one day anansi is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town
and he gets bored of walking around
and also super thirsty
and he sees this house
he walks up to the house and there is this old man
sitting on the front porch
now when I say old
I mean OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD
this guy makes the crypt keeper look like natalie fucking portman
so anansi walks up to him
and is like excuse me you fugly sonofabitch
can I get some ice cold drinking water
and the old man doesnt say anything
and anansi is like I SAID
CAN I GET SOME DELICIOUS CHILLED WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE
and the old man says nothing
and anansi is like:
please continue sitting silent and motionless
if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge
and the old man says nothing
so anansi goes inside
and has a gay old time
he eats as much food as possible
and then he leaves
he has such a good time doing this
that he comes back the next day
and the next day
just fucking pillaging this dude’s pantry
devouring the watermelons
ravaging the mayo
man i dont know what this dude had in his pantry
i just have no goddamn idea
but whatever it was it must have been good
cause one day anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house
and he is like
thank you so much for this food creepy silent old guy
to thank you, here is my eldest daughter
you guys are married now
enjoy
also make me a sandwich, woman
and he eats the sandwich and then leaves his daughter there and goes home
next day he goes back for more free food
and maybe to see his daughter i guess
but his daughter isn’t there
WHERE DID SHE GO
he knows she likes to play hide of seek
so he starts looking all over the house
in the closets and under the bed and shit
and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place
THE OVEN
and what does he find in there?
THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER
so he runs outside to the old man like
HEY ASSHOLE
WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING
SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE
and the old man FINALLY fucking talks
he’s all:
do you know who i am
I’m death
you showed up at my house
you ate all my food
and then you married me to an ugly fucking spider chick
without my consent
and through all of this i remained motionless
and refused to stop you or interact with you for some reason
but still this is TOTALLY YOUR FAULT
so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER
and now I am also going to eat YOU
and Anansi is like shit
no
I like not having consequences for my actions
this seems like a consequence this is terrible
and he starts running
he figures death is prolly pretty slow
given how old he is
but no
he’s keeping up
and anansi starts getting tired
and is like fuck what do i do
I KNOW
I’LL CLIMB A TREE!
so he climbs a tree
and he’s about to jump to another tree
when he looks down
and sees death just standing there
because guess what guys
DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES
this i guess explains why squirrels are immortal?
I mean come on
this is the personification of DEATH
the inescapable end that pursues us all
and he is helpless when confronted with
A TREE
well i guess he’s not totally helpless
because he basically just stands at the bottom of the tree
and chucks everything in arm’s reach at anansi
like a rock
and some sticks
and a shoe
so that basically puts death
to the level
of the kids i used to throw dirt at
from my treehouse
when I was FIVE
anyway eventually death runs out of shit to throw
and goes to find more shit
at which point anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house
screaming HEY HEY
WIFE AND KIDS
CLIMB UP TO THE CIELING
DEATH IS COMING
MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY
I AM THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER
and his wife is like
WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR CHILDREN
STARVING ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF
and anansi is like FINE
I’LL take them up to the ceiling MYSELF
so he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling
and death runs in after him
and sees everyone up on the ceiling
and can’t do a thing about it
except pull up a chair
and grab a burlap sack
and just sit there
waiting
so it’s not too long
before one of anansi’s kids
his youngest son
starts losing his grip on the ceiling
which to me
means that this is a family of pretty shitty spiders
since when has a spider had ceiling problems?
spiders live on my fucking ceiling
the only explanation
is that these spiders are like
reverse spiderman
with all the disadvantages of a spider
coupled with all the disadvantages of a man
so this kid is like DADDY HELP
and anansi is like FUCKING HOLD ON JUNIOR
IF YOU FALL DEATH WILL EAT YOU
so junior falls
and death catches him
and is like
i’m only after your dad, kid
but i’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack
then anansi’s youngest daughter falls off
and the same thing happens
and again and again
until it’s just anansi up there
and he’s about to lose his grip
when he goes WAIT
DEATH
I am SOOOO FAT
from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD
if I fall to the floor
i’m totally going to explode on impact
and then what are you gonna eat?
spider guts?
gross
what you should do
is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen
and put it under me
so when i fall
you get a nice breading on me
and death is like dur ok
just let me leave you alone in the room real quick
and anansi is like FUCK YES
while he is busy moving the flour I am totally going to escape
man I am such a genius holy shit
but by the time anansi is done congratulating himself
death walks back in with the barrel
and puts it under anansi
and anansi is like fuck
once again my tremendous ego has boned me
but all is not lost
because when death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered
anansi drops down on the back of his head
which freaks him out
because
you know
spider on his head
and in the resulting confusion
and flour-induced blindness
anansi is able to grab his wife and kids in the sack
and run out the door
and he’s been escaping death ever since
actually that’s why there’s spider webs on the ceiling everywhere
to avoid death
who has apparently not figured out ladders
so now you know guys
the secret to immortality
duct tape yourself to the ceiling

You’re welcome.

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3 thoughts on “Local father discovers immortality with this one weird tip

  1. Anansi himself would approve…also kinda explains why Spider-Man never dies…or…wait…never dies for very long.

  2. Obviously Death had become badass at climbing by the time Gambling Hans rolled around. Or maybe he just can’t climb anything in Africa. Doesn’t matter, still an awesome story.

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