Moses Apparently Has Some Things He’s Not Telling Us

Hey guys
what do you know about VOODOO?!
Nothing?
GOOD. I WILL HELP YOU TO CHANGE THAT.
STARTING
NOW.

So Moses
yes
I said Moses
calm down.
I know everybody thinks Moses is just a bible dude
but he is actually a voodoo dude, too
just, nobody likes to talk about that part
because it makes Moses kind of look like a dick.
See, what happened is that back in the day, Moses got himself initiated into Voodoo
man
let me just say that Voodoo is a super fun word to type
voodoo
voooooodoooooo
okay, moving on
So Moses is a voodoo guy.
He gets married to the daughter of this black dude named Jethro
who is the dude who taught him all the voodoo.
The name of the daughter is Sephora.
So Moses and Sephora get to bangin’
and they pop out two gorgeous babies
and in this version of the story, we are assuming Moses is white
even though I don’t really know why he would be
so these are some mixed-race babies, like the president.
Their names are “He-Who-Lives-In-A-Foreign-Country” and “Help-of-God”
Or Gershom and Eli-Ezer for short.
But Miriam and Aaron, Moses’s sister and incompetent nincompoop brother –
Oh man, nincompoop!
Another great word!
Nincompoop
voodoo
nincompoop voodoo
oooooooooooo
OKAY, ANYWAY
Miriam and Aaron are like “Okay, Moses
we don’t have any problem with black people
like
in GENERAL
but we uh
just don’t want our brother marrying one, okay?
This isn’t a race thing
it’s just a…
yeah, it’s totally a race thing.”
And moses is like “Fuck. Fine, then.”
And he divorces Sephora
who I guess goes on to start her own highly successful makeup company.
But that’s not enough of a dick move for Moses
so when he makes the first hebrew temple
he totally shits in Voodoo’s hands
by finding the exact spot that the center pole would be if it was a voodoo temple
and putting his big fat staff right there
like BAM
FUCK YOU JETHRO
FUCK YOU SEPHORA
FUCK YOU VOOOOOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and then Voodoo gets mad and gives Miriam leprosy
so HAH.

So the moral of the story
is don’t divorce the daughter of a dude who just taught you a system of POWERFUL MAGIC.
At least, not if you value your sister.

The end.

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8 thoughts on “Moses Apparently Has Some Things He’s Not Telling Us

  1. VOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOO
    You’re right, it is really fun.
    NINCOMPOOOOP
    Yep.
    VOOODOOOO NINCOMPOOOOOOP
    VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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