Not deliriously ill anymore

Talking about Dionysis reminded me of something

it reminded me that Dionysis is a shitty name
and I should actually be calling him Bacchus
because i like it better and it is easier to write
but it also reminded me about this one time
when Bacchus woke up from a drunken stupor
to find his foster father missing
cause see
Bacchus would not stand for having a foster father
who was not some kind of alcoholic
and also a satyr
and so naturally the two of them just get shitfaced together
like all the time
and Bacchus doesn’t even need to worry about being hung over
cause his foster father
is also his schoolmaster
and is also like i said an alcoholic
so hes gonna be just as hung over
his name is Silenus by the way
anyway this particular day Bacchus wakes up
and Silenus is not there
because he got real hammered and wandered off
and passed out in a rose garden
which happened to belong to this king
named Midas
now midas is a pretty good king
and i will tell you why
it is because when he finds some drunk satyr passed out in his rose garden
he does not get all butthurt about it
and call the guards and shit
instead he invites the guy inside
and makes him some sandwiches
and lets him chill out and nurse his EPIC HANGOVER
for TEN DAYS
at which point he gives him a ride home
to Bacchus’ place
and Bacchus is all DUDE
NICE
YOU BROUGHT MY DAD BACK
you want a beer?
and Midas is all no thanks man i gotta drive home
and bacchus is like shit well in that case how about
I GRANT YOU ANY WISH
and Midas is like hm ok
well i guess the one thing i don’t really have enough of right now
is ludicrous riches
so how about everything i touch turns to gold
and bacchus says alright done have fun
and midas DOES
he IMMEDIATELY starts touching shit
like some rocks
and some twigs
turnin’ everything into gold
and he goes home
and bacchus and his foster dad go off to get trashed again
and probably get lost
and end up granting some more ridiculous wishes
because that is how they do
anyway midas gets home and is like GENTLEMEN
PREPARE ME A MARVELLOUS FEAST
and so all his servants set out this massive feast for him
like more food than he can possibly eat
so delicious he can’t even stand it
and so he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton
but before he can put it in his mouth
IT TURNS INTO GOLD
and he is like OH NO
well at least i can still get drunk
and he picks up his wine glass
which turns to gold obviously
and he downs his wine
only when it goes into his mouth it also turns into gold
and probably chokes him a little
maybe he even throws up in his mouth a little
but if he does
that shit TURNS TO GOLD
AWESOME
so king midas is pretty hungry and thirsty
and on top of that picking little gold flakes out of his teeth
and his beard too probably
you cannot be a king without having a beard
anyway he can’t think of anything to do about this shit
so he goes and just starts turning everything in his house into gold
because gods dammit if he is gonna starve to death
at least he is gonna die wealthy
and he gets so caught up in this
that he does not notice his daughter come into the room
and his daughter loves him so much
that she just wants to surprise him with a BIIIIG HUG
only she is the one who gets surprised
CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLD
not just her ass her whole body
also her clothes
also she is not the only one who is surprised
midas is pretty fucking surprised too
because he has just accidentally killed his daughter
but also made her like a billion times more valuable
who needs kids when you have solid gold statues
of your kids
but midas doesn’t see it that way
so he starts crying
and his tears turn into gold
which is incredibly uncomfortable
and just makes him cry more
but he gets ahold of himself and is like BACCHUS
HEY
CAN YOU FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME
and bacchus is like what oh shit
what have you done man
what is it with you mortals always petrifying your daughters
and starving to death and shit
and midas is all come on man help me out
and bacchus is like ok well i guess what you can do
is go bathe in this river called Pactolus
and that will solve your problems
so Midas does that
and it takes away his superpower
while simultaneously turning all the sand in the river gold
but does nothing to fix the fact
that Midas’s daughter is made of gold
so its like you know when you are eating a food you really like
and then you get the flu
and you vomit nonstop for like nine whole days
and at the end of that horrible intestinal hurricaine
suddenly you do not like that food anymore?
ok so imagine your favorite food is gold
and instead of vomiting your daughter is dead
now you understand how midas feels
so he moves to the country
and kind of abandons his entire kingdom i guess?
can you do that?
well anyway he does that
and becomes a follower of this god Pan
who is a satyr
and is in charge of playing music on some pipes
and theatrical criticism for some reason
and Midas gets taught to play music by Orpheus
you remember that guy right
so then one day Pan is talking shit about Apollo
and saying how he can totally play better music than that guy
so apollo shows up and is like bring it
and pan definitely brings it
he is playing some seriously rustic tunes
and Midas is all clapping his hands and singing along
but then Apollo plays some music
well he doesnt even really play
he just pretty much hits his lyre once
like he is just getting READY to play a song
and the judge just immediately gives him the win
and everyone there is like ok right on
good job apollo
except for one dude
and that dude is midas
midas is like what the fuck man
he didn’t even play a song
try not to choke on that dick guys
and Apollo is all HOW DARE YOU
I am going to give you
DONKEY EARSSSSSSSS
and bam midas suddenly has donkey ears
he gets super embarassed
and hides his ears under a massive turban all the time
but of course his barber knows his secret
because even living out in the country
midas is too regal to cut his own hair
and he swears the barber to secrecy
but the secret is TOO GREAT AND IMPORTANT
FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR
and so the barber does the only sensible thing
and digs a hole in the ground
and whispers the secret into it
and then buries it
but then a bunch of reeds grow out of the dirt
and start whispering the secret everywhere
like “king midas has donkey ears”
even though it is totally none of their business
and that is why i dont give a shit what anyone says
you can’t trust dirt
and reeds are fucking assholes

THE END

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One thought on “Not deliriously ill anymore

  1. Apparently Silenus had this crazy condition wherein he received ultimate wisdom and, like, the gift of prophecy, when blackout drunk. I think that’s why Midas was so nice to the guy.

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