Gonna talk about mayan dudes again in a mildly inaccurate fashion

So there are these two dudes
Hun Hunapú and Vucub Hunapú
they are twins
or at least brothers
i mean they have the same last name
anyway they piss off the gods of the underworld
with their constant ball-playing
yes that is right
they play sports SO HARD
that it upsets SATAN
I did not know this was possible
until i read the popol vuh
where this shit is written down
anyway the gods summon them down to the underworld
which is called Xibalbá
because no mayan story is complete
without like six thousand proper nouns
beginning with the letter X
the gods of the underworld are all
hey guys we heard you like ball playing
and the twins are like what of it
and the gods are like if you like ball games so much
how about you play ball with us
and the twins are like ok
because they are pretty hot shit at ball playing
so the game starts
now if this was a greek myth
the twins would use some kind of trickery
or insane skill
and beat the gods
but this is a mayan myth
the gods win and they kill these dudes and bury them under the ball court
except for Hun’s head
they put that on a calabash tree for some reason
turns out that is a bad idea
because some chick named Xquic walks by
and hun spits in her hand
and he is such a true man that this causes her to get pregnant
and she gives birth to TWINS
you think you are such hot shit
because your penis is one and a half inch longer
than the national average
try impregnating a random chick with your saliva
in her hand
from a tree
on which someone has deposited YOUR SEVERED HEAD
who knows where his dick even was
is the point i am making
actually wait i went and read it again
it wasn’t even his head
it was just his skull
skulls don’t even fucking make saliva
so like
i guess when he still had skin and stuff
he just collected a big glob of spit in there
and he HELD IT
for some chick to walk by
i want that shit on a poster
that says hang in there
impotence is not a problem
for mayan mythological figures
so yeah Xquic gives birth to twins
they are called Hunahpú
and Xbalanqué
and these two guys
of course
are alive for like five fucking minutes
before they discover their dad’s ball-playing gear
and start playing some goddamn ball
and they play SO GODDAMN HARD
that they piss off the underworld AGAIN
and THEY get summoned down there
and the gods are like hey you may have noticed that severed head
hanging from that tree by your house
that was the last dude who fucking kept us awake
with his ball-playing
and hunahpú and xbalanqué look at them and are like
that skull is our FATHER
and the gods are like exactly
we killed your father
we are totally going to kill you too
why the fuck do you guys even like playing ball this much
ok look do you want to play ball for your lives
and the twins say yeah sure
because they are even HOTTER SHIT
than their dads were.
i don’t think both of the other guys were their father
because that would be weird
anyway they play ball
and see
if this was a roman myth
or maybe like
a norse myth
these guys would totally have won
and avenged their fathers
but like i said
fucking mayans
the gods win again
and they kill the twins and bury them under the ball court
but there is a TWIST
because it turns out the twins are FUCKING IMMORTAL
so they dig themselves up and sneak away
and they come up with a crafty plan
which is to come directly back to the underworld
dressed as traveling performers
and the gods are like SWEEEEEET
because it is boring in Xibalbá
so Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic show
fucking amazing shit going on
maybe they do an amazing magic trick
where they make their names easier to fucking type
and then they get to the finale
and for the finale
one of them cuts off the other’s head
and the puts it back on
and he is fine
and all the gods are like SHIT SHIT AWESOME
and the twins are like sure ok
and just go and chop off the gods’ heads
without any fucking resistance whatsoever
because that is how slick they are
and then they go dig up their dads
and resurrect them
and they all live happily ever after
and none of them ever forget how lucky they are
to be able to use their DICKS to get women pregnant

The end

7 thoughts on “SPORTS

  1. I’m mexican, from QuintanaRoo and I completely love you.
    My history classes should have been told like this, jeez!!
    And yes, aztecs and mayans had this weird way of naming stuff. :I Like Dzibilchaltún and Tlalmimilolpan and Huitzilopochtli and 😀

  2. Well… Ive been trying to understand this tale mayself for like a thounsand years of so… and it is NOW that I finally… do? whatevs, Im mexican and find this quite funny

  3. These guys have a weird tradition to start names with the words one and seven. Hun Hunahpu, Vucub Hunahpu, Vucub Caquix, Hun Came, Vucub Came… These are the ones I know. Why do Maya like one and seven so much?

    • Pretty much everybody in the Popol Vuh (which is where this story comes from) is named after a section of the Mayan calendar. The Popol Vuh is sort of like a storified guide to understanding the calendar. So everybody has calendar-names, which is where the numbers come from.

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