Pandora’s Box

So Prometheus

He is this guy
Actually not a guy but a titan
but anyway he is all hanging out up in olympus
with all the gods
and they are having a party
like a sweet beach party
with a sweet beach bonfire
only not on the beach because the gods live on mount olympus
but like they are gods so i guess there could be a beach if they wanted
look that’s not important the important thing is there is a huge fire
and prometheus goes over and looks down at earth
and it is night, and also cold
and all the humans are down there on earth eating raw meat and freezing to death
and prometheus is like man
i bet this is a problem i could solve with fire
so he steals some of that huge fire and sneaks down the mountain and is like
here humans this is fire
dont tell zeus cause i’m not supposed to be giving you this
and the humans are all SWEET
LET’S SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
so the secret gets out pretty quick
and Zeus goes WHAAAAAAAAT
IS THIS
HUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MISERABLE ALL THE TIME
GUYS THIS IS THE POINT
PROMETHEUS DID YOU DO THIS
and i guess prometheus just straight up says yes,
cause then zeus gets pissed off and goes
YOU KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO IM GONNA PUNISH YOU
WITH TRICKERY
And then he goes and has Hephaestus (the gimp leg guy)
make a clay sculpture of his whore of a wife (Aphrodite)
and then BAM zeus turns it into a chick
a HUMAN chick
because yeah apparently earth was a sausagefest up til this point
anyway zeus gives her a box and is like YOU BETTER NOT OPEN THIS EVER
and she is like uh huh ok
also her name is pandora
and her box isn’t really a box it is really a jar
but box sounds way cooler than jar
cause it has an X in it
THIS IS CALLED REVISIONIST HISTORY PEOPLE
so zeus goes to Prometheus and says hey would you like a wife
i made you a wife
and prometheus says OH NO YOU DONT
i totally still remember yesterday when you said you were gonna punish me with trickery
no way am i fucking that bitch
and zeus says alright suit yourself
and pandora marries some other dude
and then she gets curious and opens up her box
because seriously why the fuck would zeus give that to her
and then EVERY BAD THING POSSIBLE comes out of the box
like hate and disease and teabagging
and the dumb bitch is just sitting there like whuuuuuuuuuuuuu
until finally she gets her shit together and goes OH FUCK
and slams the box shut
managing to trap ONE THING in the box
and that one thing is hopelessness
which means that we still have hope
even though she fucked everything up
and it also means
that everything was destined to go to shit whether or not prometheus married Pandora
which means
that the real trick was not to get prometheus to marry pandora
but to psyche him into turning down a perfectly good piece of ass.
Zeus: 1
Prometheus: gets his liver eaten by vultures forever

The end.

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3 thoughts on “Pandora’s Box

  1. Pingback: Another Way We Might All Die | Myths RETOLD

  2. Note: The dude that DOES marry Pandora is actually Prometheus’ BROTHER. Epimetheus. Because Zeus thought Hmm..Prometheus is too smart to fall for this shit. Better go to his brother, since I KNOW he’s retarded.
    See…
    Prometheus=Forethought
    Epimetheus=Afterthought

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