Persephone

Oh shit someone just reminded me about Persephone

So persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot
so hot, in fact
that hades down in the underworld (which is also called hades actually)
looks up one day and sees her and goes DAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
AAAAA
AAAA
MN
I gotta get me some of that
so he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says hey little girl do you want to come to hell
and she probably would have said no only he kidnapped her
basically hades is the ultimate ladies’ man
so then they’re kind of hanging out down in hell
and it’s always been pretty depressing in hell
but it’s actually a little bit better with persephone there
because she’s not a little emo bitch like hades is all the time even though he has a WHOLE BADASS KINGDOM TO HIMSELF
seriously why’s he always gotta be moping
anyway Persephone pulls some interior decorating and shit and wham
hell is pretty okay all of a sudden
but all is not well
because meanwhile, Demeter up in the regular world
is fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughter
and it does not help at all when she finds out that she was kidnapped by the king of hell
So demeter gets real depressed
and when demeter gets depressed
all the plants die
and everthing freezes
and being alive just kind of starts to suck
because she is the goddess of crops and seasons and whatnot
and up to this point no one has even heard of winter
but now they are getting nothing but winter nonstop and out of control
24-7
365
except actually maybe only for several months
but either way shit is intolerable
and Zeus gets fed up and goes and hits Demeter up and says
HAY BITCH WHATS WITH ALL THE WINTER
and demeter says hmm i dunno maybe it’s because your brother is raping my daughter in hell
And zeus says hm good point
so he goes down to the underworld
and he says listen bro i hate to block your cock but
like
shit is completely intolerable up in the real world
and it is downright impossible for me to get any quality dick laid down at this ball-freezing temperature
And hades says aw man why you gotta be like that
and Zeus says im sorry but you’re less important than me
give demeter her daughter back
and don’t you dare try any funny business
such as for example feeding her any food whatsoever from the underworld
because as you know
if she eats any of it
she will be forced to stay in hades with you forever
and hades says oh yeah that would be a tragedy none of us want that
and as soon as zeus is out the door hades turns around
and is like sup persephone
and persephone says sup
and he says hey are you hungry
and she says well now that you mention it i haven’t eaten or drank a single thing since you brought me down here months ago
hades is a shitty host
so hades goes well hey
the only thing we have in the underworld
is POMEGRANATES
(which is yet another reason the underworld is awesome and hades should stop fucking crying about it)
so he starts feeding her the pomegranate seeds one at a time
and he manages to stuff six into her mouth
when her mom shows up
and is like ok honey time to go home
and persephone says ok
and Hades says PRANK’D I FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO STAY
and Demeter is like AW FUCK WHAT DO I DO ZEUS
and zeus is extremely flustered because he has just probably been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous boning
and he says OK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS JUST … JUST FUCKING COMPROMISE
LIKE I KNOW THERES A RULE ABOUT THE FOOD AND SHIT,
AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT RULE ACTUALLY
BUT LIKE
I AM SERIOUSLY FREEZING MY BALLS OFF UP HERE
SO HOW BOUT
HADES GETS HER FOR 6 MONTHS AND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE OTHER 6
and demeter says sure fine but i’m going to freeze the shit out of everything for the six months my daughter is gone
and zeus says fine i guess i’m just going to have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the summer
and hades says i guess I’ll have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the winter
and it works out in the end
because both Zeus and Hades know
that when either of them is getting laid
he does not have to even worry about thinking about his brother having any sex
and just ruining the mood
because they are never getting laid at the same time ever
that’s how that works.

The end.

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7 thoughts on “Persephone

  1. I've always wondered how Persephone feels about this shit. Is Hades basically raping her six months out of the year, is it Stockholm Syndrome, or is she really cool with it?

  2. What's weird about this is that Hades is basically the only Greek God ever who was actually FAITHFUL to his wife. So like, even though she was kidnapped, at least she knows he ain't two-timing her with some other kidnapped ho.

    • Well, Demeter is the sister of Hades and Zeus, so Hades is Persephone’s uncle in two ways. Also, Zeus is married to his sister (Hera). Their parents (Cronus and Rhea) are siblings. And their parents (Gaea and Ouranos) are mother and son. Incest is apparently completely okay for the Greek gods.

  3. Pingback: Friday Check-In (Chicken) and Thinking About Stories | Joyful Workings

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