Race-ism

So Atalanta right?

I mean holy shit
this chick has got to have
like the most badass childhood
EVER
so her dad is a king right
no one can agree what the king’s name was
so lets just call him
Schoeneus
because that’s the stupidest sounding one i could find
so Schoeneus sees his brand new daughter
and is like FUCK THIS
WHERE IS THE PENIS ON THIS CHILD
and his wife is like honey there is no penis
this is a girl
and Schoeneus is like FUCK THAT
ABANDON HER IN THE WOODS
so they do
on top of a mountain actually
now normally
when you leave a baby alone in the woods
it will die pretty fast
but no
not Atalanta
instead
Artemis sends a fucking BEAR
to NURSE HER AND RAISE HER AS ITS OWN
yeah
a BEAR
not a fucking stag
or a majestic goddamn stallion
or some rabbits or some bullshit
a motherfucking BEAR
so naturally Atalanta’s ass quickly becomes
the baddest in the land
and when she’s a little bit older
she starts charging through the woods
murdering all type of animals
eating their raw flesh
and she runs into some hunters
lead by this dude Meleager
and she is like sweet i found some dudes
let me go hunting with you guys
and the guys are like NO GIRLS ALLOWED
and meleager is like I WANNA BONE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
UM I MEAN
YOU CAN TOTALLY COME HUNTING WITH US
so she does
but RIGHT AWAY
some fucking centaurs show up like
did someone call for the rape patrol
thats us
we are the rape patrol
we are going to rape you Atalanta
and atalanta is like hey guys let me tell you a secret
I WAS RAISED BY MOTHERFUCKING BEARS
and she rips them in half
and goes right on hunting
and actually
she is the first person to shoot an arrow into the boar they are hunting
she is definitely the MVP of the boar hunt
so Meleager is like well done
here you can have this boar pelt as a reward
and Meleager’s uncles are like boy you are so fucking whipped
so meleager kills them both
which in turn pisses off Meleager’s mom
so she throws a log in her fire
and when the log is done burning Meleager dies
dont ask me how that works
so basically Atalanta walks away from a smoldering pile
of blood and intestines and fire
with a fresh dripping boar pelt
and never speaks to any of those people ever again
partially because they are dead
partially because atalanta does not give a FUCK
at this point her dad finds her again
probably because he is curious
about why half of the people and animals in his kingdom
died all of a sudden
and is like holy shit
my daughter is the ultimate man
alright atalanta you can come back to the castle
you have killed enough people now
that i can pretend you are the son i never had
and atalanta is like sure
even though this is the guy who abandoned her to BEARS
because of her conspicuous lack of a dick
but there’s a problem
which is that now that atalanta is a princess
Schoeneus wants her to get married
atalanta has no use for a husband
except maybe as like
a spear
to kill boars with
so she comes up with a crafty plan
never to get married ever
basically what it is is that
anyone who wants to marry her
has to beat her in a race
and if they lose she gets to kill them
atalanta really loves murder
for some reason this does not stop dudes from trying to marry her
so atalanta is winning races left and right
stabbing poor horny dudes in the chest and ripping out their faces
until this one dude
named Melanion
is like man
i really wanna hit that
but i do not want to get my face ripped out
hey aphrodite
help me have sex with this girl
and aphrodite is like sure why not
and she gives Melanion 3 golden apples
and melanion is like what the fuck
what is it with you guys and golden apples
eris chucked a golden apple into that party that one time
and then there’s the golden apples of the hesperides
and now i ask you to help me get my rocks off
you’re giving me 3 golden apples
what the fuck
how does that even help
and aphrodite is like chill out dude
if there is one thing i know about women
it is that they are irresistably attracted to shiny objects
just throw one of these at her every time she gets ahead
and either it will knock her out
or she will stop to pick it up
win win
so melanion does that
and he wins the race
and atalanta is like fuck dude
i dont know if these three inedible apples
were worth my virginity
oh well
and she just embarks on an all out sextravaganza
with her new husband
just boning up and down and to the right
also to the left
also inside of zeus’ temple
the myth mentions at this point
that atalanta has huge tits by the way
anyway zeus gets really pissed
because only he is supposed to get laid in his temple
and is like you know what
you guys are getting turned into LIONS
RAAAAAA
because in ancient greece at this time
they had not yet invented animal biology
and they all thought that lions could only fuck leopards
not other lions
so zeus is like ha ha take that
and then atalanta and melanion probably figured out that
holy shit wait
lions CAN fuck other lions
and lived happily ever after
killing animals and raping each other
so the moral of the story is
if you are a god
and you are about to punish some motherfuckers
do your homework

The end

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5 thoughts on “Race-ism

  1. "lead by this dude Meleager" = "led by this dude Meleager" English spelling is hard.

    That moral is a good lesson for us all.

  2. The reason Meleager was killed by the burning of the log was because his mother had a vision of the Three Fates when he was born, and they proclaimed the baby would die when the log in the fireplace finished burning. His mother snatched the log from the fire and guarded it for years, until the death of her brothers caused her to throw it back into the fire, making the Fates' prediction come to pass.

  3. Pingback: Hippocleides Don’t Give A Fuck | Myths RETOLD

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