Hippocleides more like HipHopcleides

OKAY TECHNICALLY THIS IS NOT A MYTH
it is a history
but this history comes to us courtesy of Herodotus
who is about as historically rigorous as salad
so we’re BACK IN MYTH TERRITORY, NUMBNUTS
(hey is it just me
or does “numbnuts” lack a plural form?
what if I want to call a bunch of people numbnuts at once?
that’s what I was trying to do just now, and it didn’t work
okay from now on, it’s “numbnutses”
you’re welcome)

Anyway Herodotus says there used to be a dude called Cleisthenes
and Cleisthenes has a daughter named Megan
wait shit I read that wrong
her name is Agariste
and Herodotus doesn’t say whether Agariste is super hot or not
but at least Cleisthenes seems to think so
because he gets it into his head
that only the best dude in the world should be allowed to marry her
and since, as we all know, women are property
what he does is he builds this huge obstacle course
with like chariots and rope swings and swimming pools full of sharks and eels and bears
and then he invites every dude in the known world
to come chill at his house for a year
and participate in what is basically the ancient greek equivalent of the Bachelorette

now I know this whole “triathlon for pussy” scenario may sound familiar
but I want to make this abundantly clear:
Cleisthenes is NOTHING like Atalanta’s dad
nobody is killed for failing the high-jump
or doing too few laps
instead, everybody gets free food and booze for a year
and it’s generally just a huge awesome party
which means all these suitors must be going around thinking DAMN
I REALLY WANT THIS DUDE TO BE MY FATHER IN LAW

so finally the time comes for Cleisthenes to pick a winner
and he’s had his mind made up for a while now
there’s this dude Hippocleides who is obviously Mister Right
he’s got muscles like Ice-T’s got problems
which actually now that I think about it is not a lot of muscles
cause most people have about 700 muscles
and Ice-T only has 99 problems
but here’s the important thing:
NOT ONE OF THEM IS A BITCH

so Cleisthenes is all set to declare Hippocleides his new son-in-law
and he throws a huge party for the announcement
and everybody at the party is trying to convince him at the last second
by telling funny jokes and busting sweet dance moves
but Hippocleides is out-dancing them all
dude is jolly like a fire truck full of drunk Santas
and he’s really getting into it
he gets so into it that he makes somebody bring in a table
SPECIFICALLY SO HE CAN DANCE ON IT
and he’s up there doing the running man and the twist and the macarena
stickin’ out his butt and waving it around
and then he gets REAL ill and starts BREAKDANCING
spinning around on his head with his feet waving in the air
and Cleisthenes is NOT AMUSED

see, Cleisthenes is pretty chill overall
but if there’s one thing he can’t stand
it is TOO MUCH DANCING
so in the time it takes Hippocleides to cut a significant quantity of rug
Cleisthenes’ image of him has gone from Chiseled Greek God
to Extremely Low Resolution Jpeg Of A Horse Urethra
but he’s doing okay, he’s keeping it together
until Hippocleides starts windmilling his wang in time to the beat
at which point he just loses his shit and he’s like HIPPOCLEIDES
YOU JUST DANCED AWAY YOUR MARRIAGE
and Hippocleides is like
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT
and just keeps right on dancing
(“and that,” says Herodotus, “is where that saying comes from.”
which begs the question
was “Hippocleides cares not” the first meme ever?
and if so
WHY ARE WE NOT SAYING IT ALL THE TIME?)

so Cleisthenes is forced to pick someone else
this duded named Megacles
who should have been his pick all along
because … because Megacles. That’s why.
Then everyone else gets like a thousand bucks and goes home

so the moral of the story
is that uninhibited dance moves may cost you a marriage
but you’ll still get a thousand bucks
and then you get to keep being single and dancing a lot
but is it worth it?
can a man truly be fulfilled by a life of solitude and rad hip gyrations?
I’ll give you a hint:
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT

THE END.

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7 thoughts on “Hippocleides more like HipHopcleides

  1. Since you are now also covering Herodotus – I would love to read your version of the Battle of Thermopylae! (You know, the one with the 300 Spartans! :-D )

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