Rats Suck But We Knew This

So I told the story of Besouro last week
aka THE BLACK BEETLE
which reminded helpful netizen Joey “Josephus” Joestar of ANOTHER story
that is ALSO from brazil
and ALSO involves a beetle
the beetle starts out black
but shit quickly gets out of hand…

so there’s this beetle ambling along
(this is a crazy thing about beetles
normally if you are looking at a beetle
you will see that it is either crawling or scuttling
depending on the surface it’s moving across
but if you zoom in real close
you will discover that it is actually always ambling
this is a key principle of biolinguistics.
Actually no, wait
that’s a totally different thing)
this beetle is not going anywhere in particular
where the fuck does she have to go?
she’s a fucking beetle.

Then there’s this rat
he’s's not going anywhere in particular either
but he is going there MUCH FASTER
just skittering back and forth all day like a disgusting idiot
(interesting fact about rats
if you are well disposed towards a moving rat, it scampers
if you hate it, it skitters instead
fact 2: no one is well disposed towards rats
because they are terrible and stupid)

so this rat skids to a stop in front of this beetle
like “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT UP DICKBOAT
WHEN IT COMES TO THE SMALLEST, SHITTIEST ANIMALS IN THE FOREST
I AM THE HARLEY DAVIDSON
AND YOU ARE THE HARLEY DAVIDSON SIDECAR
THAT ISN’T ATTACHED TO ANYTHING
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO
DAMN
SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”
(he makes his voice real low when he says “slow”
in order to emphasize the slowness he is describing
it is highly unnecessary)

The beetle is pretty offended
but she is used to street harassment from the local fauna
so she’s just like “oh wow yeah you’re so fast good job
I bet you can run really far away and never come back
ready set go.”
but then this parrot swoops in
(parrots only ever swoop.
they are one of the species of birds
that is congenitally incapable of fluttering, flitting, or soaring
it is a tragedy)
and the parrot is like “CA-KAWW, BITCHES
DID SOMEBODY SAY READY SET GO?”
and the beetle is like “I did
but I didn’t want it to become a big thing
can we just drop it”
and the Parrot is like “NO
YOU GUYS ARE RACING NOW
WINNER GETS A PIMP COAT”
and the rat is like “OH FUCK YEAH
I WANT LEOPARD PRINT”
and the beetle is like “Ok, you know what
this is stupid as hell
but i could really use a new coat.”
and the Parrot is like “GREAT
I LOVE RACES
NOBODY EVER RACES WHEN I RANDOMLY SHOW UP AND ASK THEM TO
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME
OKAY YOU ALREADY SAID READY SET GO
SO NOW THE RACE IS HAPPENINGGGGGGG”

then the Parrot swoops off
and the rat starts hauling ass
(this is possible due to a technicality:
all animals, in periods of extreme excitement/stress
with the possible exception of the slow loris
are capable of hauling ass
even if that is not how they normally move
the only animal that moves this way constantly
is the snail
snails do not move very fast
but they are always moving as fast as they possibly can
hence, hauling ass
this knowledge suddenly makes watching snails REALLY EXCITING)

so the rat is skittering his disease-ridden ass off
already making plans for the clubs he is going to get into with his sweet coat
and the beetle is nowhere to be seen
until he arrives at the end of the race
and the beetle and the parrot are just chilling out waiting for him
and he’s like “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK”
and the beetle is like “well since this race was officiated by a bird
flying was totally legal
so I just sorta did that”
and the rat is like “YOU CAN FLY?!”
and the beetle is like “yeah
what did you think all this junk in my trunk was?”
(oh yeah, I forgot to mention the flying earlier
when I was explaining how beetles move.
this is a literary technique known as “neglecting to tell you key information.”)
so the beetle gets a pimp coat
that doubles as sweet green battle armor
and everyone continues to hate rats forever.

So the moral of the story
is you shouldn’t let birds officiate races
they are totally biased.

the end.

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2 thoughts on “Rats Suck But We Knew This

  1. I just about woke my sleeping household laughing at the line about the literary technique “neglecting to tell you key information.” Hahahaha

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