Oya is a One-Woman Blitzkrieg

Chiggity check it out:

There is this chick named Oya
she’s really less of a chick and more of a god
she has a pretty crazy portfolio
as in, the only characteristic shared by all the things she is god of
is that they are all things that are the coolest
like she is in charge of chaos
a river
the number nine
and death
but only part of death
like, the part where you first die
where you’re standing at the gates of the cemetery
and she’s like “Yeah bro come right in
my sisters will take great care of you
but if you could just hurry it up
I really have some shit I need to destroy/strike with lightning.”

I feel like gods must have pretty high job satisfaction.

So obviously Oya is a super eligible bachelorette
this makes it super complicated to decide who she marries
so Obatala (patron god of the disabled) cuts through the red tape
by stripping Oya of all agency and picking her a husband she hates.
(Obatala gets to be in charge of things
by virtue of the fact that he made humans one time when he was drunk
but that’s a whole other story
that you can read in my book!)

This shitty husband is named Ogun
Obatala gives Oya to Ogun basically just to calm Ogun down
because, see, Ogun is the god of making things out of metal
but unlike some metal-gods I could name
Ogun is actually metal as fuck
like, his favorite metal thing that he has
is a giant metal machete
which he carries with him all the time
and uses to stab EVERYTHING
plus he’s usually drunk, so that doesn’t help.

So Obatala makes Oya marry Ogun
and Oya is like “Seriously?
You want to chain me to this musclebound knife maniac
in the hope that i will make him jizz out all his aggression?
fuck this, I’m having an affair.”
So she hooks up with the absolute best dude to have an affair with:
(yeah, being a philandering nut-lord is one of the prereqs for thunder godhood in any pantheon)
Chango is super into Oya
because obviously
so they instantly start banging up a storm

Chango is super happy about this of course
so he celebrates in the natural way:
by getting hammered at a party and dancing his ass off
(is it just me
or are all the Yoruba gods just constantly hammered?
I feel like the Greek gods maybe did a smart thing
by concentrating all the alcoholism on a single member of the pantheon
but if so
anyway, Chango is drunk-dancing
“swaying his hips and showing all of his sexual masculinity”
and wearing a crown the whole time
to make sure no one forgets that he’s king.

So … the thing about being a dick-swinging thunder god
is that it tends to make you enemies
and the thing about getting drunk at a random party
is that then your enemies show up and kidnap you
and no amount of sexual masculinity can save you from your fate
so some bad guys throw a bag over Chango’s head and tie him up
and he’s like “noooooooo
I only got to do like half as much hip-swinging as I wanted to.”

So meanwhile Oya’s chilling at her place
waiting for Chango to show up so they can fuck
and he left all his stuff at her place
(they are not being very discreet about this affair)
so she gets bored
and goes and checks out Chango’s mortar.
I’m not talking about a mortar as in a piece of heavy artillery
I’m talking about a large heavy bowl
generally filled with meal to be ground
but in this case full of SECRETS

Oya looks in the mortar
and there’s this liquid in it
and reflected in the liquid she sees Chango tied up
and she’s like “bro if you wanted to do that you shoulda just come over”
and he’s like “actually I’m trapped you should help me out.”
and she’s like “ok”
but then she tries to make out with him
and instead gets a mouth full of that mysterious liquid

and Oya is the god of lightning
so she’s basically a giant electric ignition system
so every time she opens her mouth now
so she’s like “OKAY”
(setting her house on fire in the process)

so she calls down some lightning
and she rides that lightning to where Chango is at
and all of a sudden the kidnappers see this chick come plummeting out of the sky
throwing lightning bolts and breathing fucking fire
and she sets Chango free
so he starts chucking thunder
it is awesome
for everyone except for the people who are exploded/on fire/electrocuted

And to this day
whenever Chango goes into battle
he’s always like “Hey Oya
could you go out there and warm up the crowd for me
and by warm up the crowd I mean burn them to a fucking crisp?”
and Oya is like “Shit yeah
let me just put on pants and grow a beard for effect.”
Obviously their relationship is way more stable than Zeus and Hera’s

So the moral of the story
is that the family that slays together
stays together.

The end.

11 thoughts on “Oya is a One-Woman Blitzkrieg

  1. So wait I guess Rage Mcstabbingtons is just totally cool with his wife banging Djan- I mean Chango? Or is maybe too busy being metal to give a crap?

    • When your wife is a fire breathing, lightning slinging bad ass, the correct response to anything she says or does is, “Yes, dear, as you wish.”

  2. Pingback: Oba is Like a Sexy Lady Van Gogh | Myths RETOLD

  3. This was AMAZING!. Thanks for doing my momma some justice with this awesome retelling. It made me proud! Totally bookmarking this page to share with others.

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