Rip Van Winkle Has a PhD In Lazy

So telling that last myth reminded me of a less depressing version of the same myth
it is from America
specifically new york

SO
there’s this dude Rip Van Winkle
he’s a pretty decent motherfucker
always mowing his neighbors’ lawns
fixing their roofs
drinking their booze
but see the problem with Rip Van Winkle
is that he is only capable of doing things
that IN NO WAY BENEFIT HIM
he can’t mow his own lawn
he can’t fix his own roof
and he’d probably drink his own booze
except he can’t afford any BECAUSE HE HAS NO JOB
so mainly he just wanders around town with his dog
named wolf
which is a shitty name for a dog
but probably an even shittier name for a wolf
unless it’s Wolf from Starfox
but i think he’s called StarWolf
wait shit is that what he’s actually called
or am I making that up
if I am and that name isn’t taken
I am hereby changing my name to StarWolf
what an unbelievably sweet thing to be called

ANYWAY
Rip Van Winkle has a wife
i forget what her name is
so we will just call her Bitchingstein Don Crunk
because this woman is currently working on her master’s thesis
in applied bitchology
all like BLUH BLUH BLUH
WHY DONT YOU GET A JOB SO WE CAN FEED OUR CHILDREN
AND/OR NOT BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD
YOU SEE THIS
THIS IS ME BEING UNREASONABLE
but Rip isn’t fazed by her henpeckery
one day he is just like fuck you know what
i don’t have to listen to this shit
i’m gonna go wander around with my dog
IN THE WOODS

so he’s wandering around in the woods and he sees this dude
who is struggling uphill with a MASSIVE BARREL OF BOOZE
and Rip is like hey buddy
looks like you’re having some trouble with all that booze
it looks pretty heavy
maybe I ought to help you carry that
PERHAPS WITH MY MOUTH
or i guess I could just use my hands
that too
so they carry the keg to the top of the mountain
where there is this cave
and inside the cave
there are a bunch of weird motherfuckers
just hanging out
you know
bowling
and no one is saying anything
so Rip is just like ok guys
i’m just gonna take position right next to this booze here
and drink myself senseless
please continue bowling to indicate that you are fine with this
and they keep bowling
and Rip Van Winkle drinks until he blacks out
and when he wakes up
he’s got like a ten foot beard
and his hunting rifle has rusted away
and his dog is missing
(fun fact: his dog is actually dead)
and he is like fuuuuuck
i think i might have had too much to drink
WELP
time to go back to town and return to my ordinary life
so he goes back to town
and he doesn’t recognize a SINGLE PERSON
and he is like what the fuck is this shit
and everyone is like who the fuck are you
and he is like I’M A LOYAL FOLLOWER OF THE KING OF ENGLAND
and everyone is like WRONG MOVE ASSHOLE
because see Rip has been asleep for TWENTY FUCKING YEARS
and during that time the american revolution happened
so people are no longer down with King George
they are all about George Washington
but really it doesn’t matter at all and pretty soon everyone stops giving a shit
and Rip moves in with his daughter
who is now conveniently old enough for him to leech off of
and he finds another dog
and he basically goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before he left
with the added bonus that now his wife is dead

so the moral of the story
is if everyone is yelling at you for being irresponsible
try being MORE irresponsible
and maybe they will all die while you are in a coma

the end.

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3 thoughts on “Rip Van Winkle Has a PhD In Lazy

  1. Star Wolf is actually the team name. The guy you're thinking of is actually named Wolf O'Donnell. So yeah, his name is Wolf.

    Also, is that a hint of MSPA I see in your bluh? Or am I just hopeful?

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