I might as well level with you
I’m running a Robin Hood themed Leverage game at Gen Con
so I’ve been reading a lot of Robin Hood to get in the spirit
and I might as well get Content out of that research, right?
so here, for your enjoyment
is yet another TRUE CRIME TALE FROM THE ENGLISH WOOD
Right so Robin Hood and his boys are chilling in the forest
like they do all the time
and they see this dude in fancy red clothes
getting his joy on
just generally being gay as hell
but then the NEXT day they see the same dude
and he is all goth’d out
moping his way through the tall grass
no longer even a little gay
and Robin Hood is like “whoa, look at that dude
who prayed his gay away, am I right?
Never fear, I know just what to do:
let’s go rob him.”
So Robin Hood and co jump out of the bushes like “Ha HA!
Got any money?”
and the dude
(whose name is Alan, btw)
is like “No I don’t have any money do I look like I have money?”
and Robin Hood is like “Bummer”
and Alan is like “You don’t even know what a bummer my life is.
I was gonna marry this chick, right
but now all of a sudden she has to marry this other dude
because he’s rich or super handsome or something
all I really know is that it’s unfair.”
and Robin Hood is like “it sounds very unfair, yes
I will get you your lady back for a hundred bucks.”
and Alan is like “dude I just told you I’m broke
but I guess I can be your servant forever or something.”
and Robin Hood is like “YES!
YET ANOTHER CRIME FOR ME TO HASTILY JUSTIFY!
Alright dude, you got yourself a deal
now go polish my arrows.”
So Robin Hood rolls into town where the wedding is happening
dressed all fancy and carrying a guitar
and he knocks on the door of the church and the bishop comes out
and Robin Hood is like “Yo I hear there’s a wedding here today.”
and the bishop is like “Yeah I’m gonna do a wedding, who are you?”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh i’m just the best guitarist in the land”
and the bishop is like “YOU’RE EDDIE VAN HALEN?
DUDE! COME IN RIGHT NOW, YOU GOTTA PLAY AT THIS WEDDING.”
and Robin Hood is like “Nuh uh uh
I don’t play at a wedding until I see and approve of the bride and groom
bring them out here right now.”
and the bishop is like “Anything you say mister Van Halen”
so he brings out the chick and the handsome knight she’s marrying
and Robin Hood takes a look at them and he’s like “Nope. Nope.
The chick is fine, but this dude? He is the wrong dude.
I brought a better dude, here he is”
and he pulls out Alan.
So obviously the bishop is upset
he’s like “Eddie Van Halen, you can’t just bring your own groom to a wedding
that’s not how weddings work”
and Robin Hood is like “I’M EDDIE FUCKING VAN HALEN
I WROTE HOT FOR TEACHER
I SMASHED A GUITAR
I CAN MARRY WHOEVER I WANT TO WHOEVER I WANT.
Also I’m actually Robin Hood and I command a small army of thugs
here they are!”
and then all of Robin Hood’s boys show up and the bishop is like “oh my”
So now that Robin Hood has the situation thoroughly in hand
he goes over to the bishop and is like “Your clothes
give them to me”
and the bishop does what he’s told
and then Robin Hood throws the cassock over Little John’s head
and he’s like “Alright Little John
you’re wearing the cassock
you’re the bishop now, you can do the wedding
that is definitely how that works”
and then they go inside the church
and Little John runs Alan and his disturbingly silent wife through the ceremony
he does it seven times just to make sure it sticks
and also because he is not a minister and has no right officiating a wedding.
Then the ceremony is over
and Robin Hood shreds a wicked guitar solo and drowns in sex.
The moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
hire a bunch of criminals to strong arm her into marrying you anyway.