Romeo and Juliet Are Doing It Wrong

Alright so love right

we already know it makes people do some pretty wild shit
but who could have suspected
that the wildest shit of all
would be done by a couple of thirteen year olds
with ready access to swords and poison
oh that’s right
EVERYBODY

but lemme back up real quick
no use skipping to the end
my girlfriend always gets mad at me when i do that
or she would
if I HAD a girlfriend
how do you think i have time to write all these myths guys
anyway yeah what we are dealing with in this story
is there are two noble royal rich as fuck houses
the Capulets and the Montagues
now the main trait of the Capulets
is that they really fucking hate Montagues
and the Montagues are more or less defined
by the unusual extent to which they hate the capulets
remove this and the ENTIRE POWER STRUCTURE WOULD CRUMBLE
seriously these dudes hate each other a whole lot
like one time a bunch of Capulets are walking down the street
and one of them just happens to nibble on one of his fingers
in the direction of some fucking Montague
BAM
STREETFIGHT
so that should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit we’re dealing with

now the prince is sick to fucking death of this tomfoolery
so he makes a law that is like hey guys
next dude to perpetuate this age-old rivalry
GETS SKULLFUCKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN
so that puts a damper on the rampant murdering
FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES

meanwhile there is this dude Romeo
he is the son of Mister Montague himself
and he’s totally pining the shit out of himself over some broad named Rosaline
who the fuck is she
could be anyone
remember
ROMEO IS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD
ROSALINE COULD BE A GODDAMN WASHING MACHINE FOR ALL WE KNOW
HE HAS PRETTY MUCH JUST DISCOVERED HE HAS A PENIS
SLAP A PAIR OF TITS ON A FUCKING BICYCLE
AND IT SUDDENLY BECOMES PRIME WIENER-RUBBING REAL ESTATE
so Romeo’s homie Benvolio gets on his case about it
like dude come on get over this bitch she’s not worth it
I can get you like fourteen or fifteen different varieties of laid man
a whole exotic box of chocolates full of sexual hijinks
bro i am such an excellent wingman
that if you were to duct tape one of me to each arm
you would ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FLY
AND I WOULD GET YOU LAID IN MIDAIR
look man i have a plan
see Capulet is having this sweet masquerade ball
and as we all know the hottest chicks
are the ones who would straight up murder you if they knew who you were
so how about we put on some really absurd masks
and get our freak on with some bad decisions
and romeo is like FINE BUT I’M NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT

but it turns out Romeo is wrong about this
in fact romeo being wrong about things is going to kind of be a running theme
because see Romeo has been at this party all of SIX SECONDS
when he falls head over pubes for this masked chick
and they take off their masks to start making out
and HOLY SHIT IT’S JULIET
DAUGHTER OF MISTER CAPULET
HOW COULD THINGS GET ANY MORE CONVENIENTLY DRAMATIC
also where the fuck is Benvolio during all this
isn’t the whole point of having a wingman
so that you don’t end up doing shit like
going home with some kind of transvestite tyrannosaur
or THE DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHERS’ BLOOD RIVAL?
my current theory
is that Benvolio was using all his wingman powers on himself
and probably getting his dick sucked by a rotating lazy susan COVERED IN HOT CHICKS
then he probably fucked the lazy suzan because it had a girls’ name
BENVOLIO: Perhaps the only person who comes out ahead in this play?

anyway Romeo totally forgets about Rosaline
which I guess is a good thing
but it is balanced out by an incredibly bad thing
which is that now he is in love with a chick
who HE CANNOT BE SEEN WITH UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH
of course this doesn’t stop romeo
from jumping the walls around Juliet’s house
and serenading her with all this poetic bullshit
about how she is like the sun
or some light that breaks the window over there or something
to be honest I don’t really understand shakespeare very well
anyway Juliet is so turned on by this shit
that she is like OH SHIT LET’S BONE
BUT WAIT
FIRST LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE

whoa
slow down there soggypants
MARRIAGE?
YOU LITTLE SHITS HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO DAYS
PERHAPS I DO NOT HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE POWER OF LOVE
BUT I FEEL LIKE TWO DAYS
IS A SHORT MOTHERFUCKING TIMEFRAME FOR MARRIAGE
you sure you guys wouldn’t rather like
go steady for a little while?
seriously all you assholes know about each other
is that you both like smooching
and that your romance is FOOLHARDY AND DANGEROUS
but no worries guys
here comes Friar Lawrence
enabling ALL your bad teenage decisions
because he thinks getting these fucks married
might make peace between the goddamn hatfields and mccoys over here
BOY IS HE WRONG

see no sooner have Romeo and Juliet gotten secretly married
then Juliet’s cousin Tybalt finds out that Romeo crashed that mask party
and decides to go fuck his shit up
pause for a second
does anyone else think Tybalt sounds like a brand of dogfood?
anyone?
ok unpause
so Tybalt
who I envision as Biff from back to the future
is like hey McFly
how about i stab you for trespassing on my fucking party
and Romeo is like dude I’m kind of your cousin in law now
it would be pretty gauche of me to murder you
and Tybalt is like ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULD TAKE ME
and romeo is like dude chill out i am trying to get my bone on over here
and Tybalt is like RAAAAAAAAA
and finally Romeo’s OTHER buddy Mercutio
who is like several years older than basically everybody else
but for some reason hangs out with all these shitty people
shows up like dammit
Romeo
why you gotta be such a pussy
now I’VE gotta stab this guy with swords
AND THEN IT IS FIGHT TIME
but Romeo does not want it to be fight time
so he jumps right in the middle of the fight
distracting his friend long enough
for his friend to get gutstabbed by Tybalt
and that pisses off romeo so much that Romeo kills Tybalt
and then with his dying breath Mercutio is like
I hope you guys all get aids

so remember when I said the Prince made that law about murdering?
well Tybalt is dead so he can’t get punished for shit
SO IT LOOKS LIKE ROMEO IS THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS FUCKED OVER
yeah he kind of gets exiled on pain of death
but not before spending a night boning up a secret righteous storm
with bad-decisions barbie over here
hey Friar Lawrence
great job bringing peace and everything
dick

so meanwhile Juliet is bummed all the way out
and her dad interprets this as a burning desire
to get married to some asshole named paris
GUYS
NO ONE NAMED PARIS IS A QUALITY HUMAN BEING
HISTORY HAS SHOWN THIS
anyway Juliet is like shit i can’t tell my dad
what is really going on
I need some kind of stupid and desperate plan
and Friar Lawrence is like hm
stupid desperate plans are my specialty
here
drink this poison I made
it will only kill you for 2 days
then you will wake up in a creepy cemetery
and we can send a letter to romeo to let him know to pick you up
and everything will be great and nothing will suck
WHAT COULD GO WRONG

so Juliet chugs poison and dies
(TEMPORARILY)
(FOR NOW)
and Friar Lawrence sends the messenger to get Romeo
but apparently Friar Lawrence has shitty messengers
because before the messenger gets there
some other messenger arrives
and is like hey dude
Juliet’s dead
and Romeo is like OH FUCK
THERE GOES MY REASON FOR LIVING
and he buys out the local poison warehouse
and then goes to Juliet’s tomb
where he finds that asshole paris hunched over her dead body
prolly fondling her boob
and so Romeo kills that guy
and then he drinks poison and dies
because you see
only chumps settle for diamonds
if you really want to show her you love her:
MURDER-SUICIDE

so Juliet wakes up literally like a minute later
due to the magic of THEATRICAL TIMING
and she is like aw fuckbucket
now I gotta kill myself for realsies
so she does that
with a knife this time
making her officially more manly than her boyfriend
or wait I’m sorry
HUSBAND
or shit I mean
FUCKING RETARDED CORPSE

so the moral of the story is
the secret to any good relationship
is communication

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
because the whole point of my telling this myth today
was as a very roundabout way
of asking this classy dame Paige
if she would be willing
to give a shot to an equally classy dude
named Nick

NOW PAIGE
READ/LISTEN TO MY WORDS VERY CLOSELY:
YOUR HYPOTHETICAL ROMANCE WITH NICK WILL NOT
I REPEAT
WILL NOT
BE ANYTHING LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET’S SEX DISASTER
in fact
i’m pretty sure the purpose of me telling you this
is to illustrate for you the exact OPPOSITE
of what going out with this Nick guy is gonna be like
and just for the record I checked this guy’s background for you
he does not have any swords
and his lips are refreshingly free of poison
also I’m pretty sure he’s not 13
because a thirteen year old would not be able to afford my services
either that
or he is an extremely financially secure thirteen year old
in which case i suggest riding that money train
all the way to the money train station
so seriously
trust a love expert
START SMOOCHING NOW THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE

The end.

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17 thoughts on “Romeo and Juliet Are Doing It Wrong

  1. SQUEEEEE!

    Excellent retelling, excellent Valentine's Day surprise, and here's hoping for a happy ending. (I bet Nick's saying the same thing…)

    Ovid, you could probably make a small fortune telling myths that have messages like "You have bad breath" or "This is a lousy place to work and I quit" or "I'm fucking your sister." (Especially that last one, because there's probably like 27 different myths you could use for it.) The happy messages like "will you go out with me" are awesome, but the unhappy messages would work well, too, because people would be too busy laughing at the retelling to bother being too offended by the message. (Except maybe that last one.)

  2. I was waiting for someone to do this one. This play quite honestly perplexes me. Maybe that's just me being cynical, or maybe it's EVERYONE IN SHAKESPEARIAN TIMES HAD FUCKED UP MORALS.

    Also, something that probably doesn't matter: I actually think Romeo was 22 or something, and Juliet was 14. Which just makes this play even more messed up.

    But seriously, I LOVE this stuff. Keep it up.

  3. Do you know the movie “Romeo + Juliet ” (the one with Leonardo DiCaprio)?
    There, the story takes place in modern times – but everyone is still talking like in the original Shakespeare play!
    Most bizarre R&J-adaption ever!!

  4. I just love Shakespeare. Only if you could get a girl with shitty poetry under her balcony!
    Who the hell are Paige and Nick, btw?

  5. THIS LITERALLY MADE MY ENTIRE DAY. POSSIBLY MY ENTIRE WEEK. I DID NOT KNOW THIS EXISTED AND I JUST LAUGHED FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS. THIS IS FREAKING HILARIOUS AND I AM EMAILING IT TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS OK. THANK YOU.

  6. Pingback: Cymbeline Should Not Be the Title of This Play | Myths RETOLD

  7. Hahahahaaha i was doing some research for my painfuly boring romeo and juliet assignment looking for the theme of fate and came across this and it made me laugh so much. I never thought i would see “romeo and juliet” in the same sentence as “fuckbucket” hahaha thankyou!

  8. Pingback: The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies | Myths RETOLD

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