The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies

Happy new year chumps
I’m back
and I will celebrate my backness in the customary manner:
with Shakespeare
also I can’t believe I haven’t told you this one yet
it’s about the world’s most roundabout coup.

Okay so there’s this Tempest
just like in the title
it’s pretty on the nose, even for Shakespeare
and in this tempest there is a ship
and the ship is ON FIRE
NEAT

This ship is full of two kinds of people:
boat people
and ROYALTY
the royalty are running all over the ship
and the boat guys are like “get down below you assholes
you’re going to make us oh whoops there we go we crashed thanks a lot”

MEANWHILE, ON A SUSPICIOUSLY NEARBY ISLAND
this wizard named Prospero is lecturing his daughter Miranda about the past
they are the only two humans on this island so he does this a lot
and his daughter is SO fucking bored of it
that he keeps having to stop to ask her if she’s paying attention
and she keeps being like “uh huh yeah of course”
but as soon as he’s done she falls IMMEDIATELY ASLEEP.
Anyway, what he says is this:
Prospero used to be Duke of Milan
but he was a GARBAGE DUKE
he spent all of his time reading dumb books about magic
and delegated all of his duke responsibilities to his brother Antonio
and NOW HE IS MAD BECAUSE ANTONIO TOOK AWAY HIS DUKEDOM
to be fair he is also mad b/c Antonio exiled him to this island
or actually he just put him on a boat with no food
in the hopes that he would die
and the only reason he survived
was because some chill bro named Gonzalo gave him and Miranda water
and then they just happened to land
on this INCREDIBLY MAGICAL ISLAND

So Miranda falls asleep
after listening to this boring story about her dad’s incompetence
and Prospero is like “FINALLY
YO ARIEL
GET YOUR EPHEMERAL ASS IN HERE”
and Ariel
who is essentially a ghosty twink with superpowers
is like “Okay yeah what do you want”
and Prospero is like “Did you set that boat on fire like I asked?”
and Ariel is like “Oh yeah i fucked that boat UP”
and Prospero is like “Good because all my enemies were on that boat
Antonio, my shitty brother
Alonso, the asshole duke of Milan
Sebastian, the crab
uh I mean Sebastian, the asshole duke’s even shittier brother
plus Alonso’s sexy son Ferdinand
my best bro Gonzalo
and a whole bunch of innocent sailors and some clowns but who gives a shit.”
and Ariel is like “Yeah dude I know
I just got finished dumping their still-alive bodies all over the island
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO
now can I stop being your magical slave already?”
and Prospero is like “Bitch what did you just ask me?
Do I need to remind you what I’ve done for you?
Ariel:
a witch
trapped you
inside a FUCKING TREE
and she was gonna release you in a couple years
but then she DIED
so if I hadn’t come along and freed you with my magic
you’d prolly be stuck handing out apples to some ungrateful kid like some fucking Shel Silverstein book
So get out there and start making everybody trip balls
or I will stuff you so far up a tree’s ass you’re going to surprise the shit out of some squirrels.”

Speaking of that witch
this is right when her son shows up
the son is named Caliban
and he is exactly as gross as you expect a witch’s kid to be
Prospero pretty much just beats him with his staff
and Caliban makes the very legitimate point that this is not okay
but Prospero is just like “It is TOO okay
because YOU
tried to sex my DAUGHTER”
and Caliban is like “Okay but she is literally the only female on this island
and maybe I crossed a line
but like I also showed you all the natural resources on this island
and now I am literally your slave
there is no moral justification for slavery, dude.”
But he goes off to get firewood anyway because he doesn’t want to die.

Is Prospero done yelling at people now?
NOT QUITE
because now it’s time for Prince Ferdinand to wake up
(on a beach, by himself, miraculously unharmed)
and immediately fall balls over boners for Miranda
who falls boobs over buttocks right back
because this is the first man she has seen
who was not either cursed or her dad.
So these two are tumbling towards each other, jibblies first
when Prospero steps between them like “WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KIDS EVEN KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER
SLOW IT DOWN, SOGGYTROUSERS”
Man, where was Prospero during the entirety of Romeo and Juliet?
Probably exiled tbh.
Luckily, Prospero has a plan:
Ferdinand will PROVE his intentions toward Miranda
by carrying bundles of firewood.
Prospero apparently needs a lot of firewood for something.

Meanwhile most of the rest of the dudes from the ship wake up together
them being Antonio, Alonso, Sebastian and Gonzalo
(and a bunch of less important people who don’t talk)
but then Alonso and Gonzalo IMMEDIATELY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN
because of Ariel
just long enough for Antonio and Sebastian to plot to kill Alonso
so that Sebastian can be Duke of Naples
but then Ariel WAKES EVERYONE UP BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT
so this interlude is just to show how shitty Antonio is.
Then they go off looking for Ferdinand
even though everybody’s pretty sure he’s dead.

Meanwhile Caliban is passed out in the woods
grabbing a much-needed respite from his slavery
WHEN TWO ROGUE CLOWNS APPEAR.
One of them is named Trinculo and he is a jackass
and the other one is named Stefano and he is a jackass WITH BOOZE
so naturally Caliban pledges fealty to Stefano
and the three of them drink the ship’s entire wine supply
and they get so shithouse plastered
that they all think it’s a fantastic ideawhen Caliban is like “Hey
let’s go kill my master
an ACTUAL WIZARD
and become kings of the island ourselves.”
Unfortunately for them, Ariel is busy being invisible nearby
and he hears their whole cunning plan.
Now you would think Ariel would be sympathetic to Caliban
since Ariel is also enslaved to Prospero
but Ariel is an immortal creature made entirely out of magic
time is meaningless to Ariel
and doing a miracle is like taking a shit for him
Prospero doesn’t even have the brainpower to concieve of something that would mildly inconvenience Ariel
He’s pretty much just doing this shit because he thinks it’s funny.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE
it turns out forbidding two young people to bone
makes them REALLY WANT TO BONE
as Ferdinand and Miranda can AMPLY ATTEST
and guess what guys
this was Prospero’s WHOLE PLAN ALL ALONG
Finally somebody is using teenage buttlust for good
or at least for his own Machiavellian purposes
because after THREE HOURS
(YES, EXACTLY THREE HOURS)
Prospero FINALLY gives in and agrees to marry them
he’s like “Okay I guess my daughter can become the heiress to Naples
BUT FIRST
LET ME DO SOME MAGIC TRICKS TO SOLEMNIZE YOUR MARRIAGE”
and Ferdinand is like “No it’s cool we really just want to fuck”
and Prospero is like “DON’T BE MODEST I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ME DO MAGIC TRICKS”
and Miranda is like “No it’s cool I can just grab his weiner right now”
and Prospero is like “I KNOW WHAT YOUNG COUPLES REALLY WANT:
MAGIC TRICKS”
so then he summons ghostly images of Venus and Iris and Hera
to do a play about how marriage is great
and the two kids are like “yayyyyyyy great can we bone now?”
and Prospero is like “Yes.
OH SHIT
I FORGOT CALIBAN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME”

It’s not a big deal though
everybody Prospero doesn’t like is just getting buttfucked through the marshes right now
because they fell for some rookie-dm-level traps
like a fat banquet in the middle of nowhere
or a clothesline covered in rich garments
also in the middle of nowhere
and it gets so bad
what with the brambles and the mud and the wolves
that Ariel is finally like “Yo Prospero
I know you hate these dudes
but this is really starting to bum me out
and I don’t even have a SOUL”
and Prospero is like “Yeah okay fine, let them out.”

So Gonzalo and Antonio and Sebastian and Alonso show up at Prospero’s crib
and Prospero is like “SURPRISE BITCHES
THIS IS MY REVENGE”
and they’re like “Uh, who are you?”
and he’s like “Oh sorry let me put on my old hat”
and they’re like “OH SNAP IT’S PROSPERO
WE’RE SO SORRY WE EXILED YOU”
and Prospero is like “Yeah fuck all you guys
except Gonzalo, you’re cool
but actually I got to be wizard-king of an incredibly magic island
which is really a lot better
considering i didn’t give a shit about being a duke anyway
but for some reason I still REALLY WANT TO BE DUKE OF MILAN”
and Antonio is like “Fine asshole have your dukedom back.”
and Alonso is like “Yeah I don’t care, I just lost my son”
and Prospero is like “Yeah I feel you dog I just lost my daughter
by which I mean my daughter just got MARRIED
TO YOUR SON
HAHAHAHAHA PRANKED I MARRIED OFF YOUR SON WHILE YOU WEREN’T LOOKING
NOW MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL RULE BOTH MILAN AND NAPLES
THIS IS TRULY
THE ULTIMATE PRANK”
and he pulls aside a curtain and there’s Ferdinand and Miranda
playing … chess
yeah, sure.
Also Trinculo and Stefano and Caliban show up at one point
shit themselves with drunken fright
and go back to being slaves to their various masters
BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Anyway Alonso is so relieved
he doesn’t even care that Prospero is dicking him out of his legacy
and then Prospero breaks his magic staff
and throws his magic book in the ocean
LIKE AN IDIOT
and he lays off Ariel
who conspicuously fails to steal his soul or anything
and then Prospero turns to the audience and he’s like “Hey guys
if you don’t clap your asses off for the show you just saw
I will be trapped in this play forever
please help.”

So the moral of the story, dear audience
is if you don’t share this post with everyone you know
I will be trapped in this internet
FOREVER

the end.

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8 thoughts on “The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies

  1. Hey, you’re back!

    *puts on annoying pedant hat*
    Psst, Alonso is actually King (not Duke) of Naples.

    *takes off annoying pedant hat* Happy New Year!

    • P. sure they switch between calling him king and duke, and they call Miranda a princess all the way through so I don’t know what’s going on.

  2. This blog… If I weren’ t in a loving relationship, I’d fly to the US and treat you to like, a solid week of blowjobs. So inconvenient, these loving relationships.

  3. Happy new year! Also, I’m reading the Iliad now (partially) because of you. So uh. Be proud. Or not. Do whatever you want it’s a free country.

  4. I was writing a book that was the ultimate orgy of myth-ologies, better than star wars, but after reading your book, I just want to be an asshole and do nothing since it won’t compare. Thanks for being better than me, it feels good to know my place.

    DP

  5. Pingback: IT’S A TRA— no wait wrong pop myth – nullrend

  6. This one confused me because about halfway through you start using pronouns for Ariel and they’re he/him pronouns whereas I’ve only known two Ariels my entire life, the titular Little Mermaid and some girl I went to middle school with, so it’s sort of like how you were saying in Moby Dick with Starbuck.

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