Russia Has Fucked Up Monsters

Alright guys I’m all twacked out on codiene right now
but it’s not really working
except that it is making me sleepy and retarded
so what I think is happening
is I am living in a magical kingdom
where things only have negative side effects
anyway here’s a myth suggested by this dude Ryan
let’s see if my fingers work

so there’s this fucking seminary right

(one of my favorite things about having this blog
is I get to routinely use words like fucking and seminary
IN THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE)
anyway there are all of these jackasses who go to school there
seriously none of them are quality people
basically the older they get
the more shitfaced they get as a matter of course
and they basically just spend most of their time
beating the shit out of each other
and stealing food from the locals
THIS IS CLASS A EDUCATION MY FRIENDS

anyway everybody’s favorite time of year
seeing as there is pretty much nothing good
about going to seminary school
is the time of year when everybody gets to go home for summer vacation
except here’s the thing
half of these dudes don’t HAVE homes
because remember
this is russia
or actually the Ukraine
where every vector of misery is EXHAUSTIVELY EXPLORED
so what they all do
is they all get together
and they start walking down the road to fuck knows where
hitting up folks along the way
and kind of just living in their houses for as long as possible
eating the maximum possible quantity of food
drinking the maximum possible quantity of booze

so after a while the procession starts to get pretty slim
you know
when all the dudes with actual CHARISMA have found places to stay
and pretty soon it is down to just these three assholes
Thomas, Khalava and Tiberius
one thing I will say for russia:
SWEET NAMES
anyway these dudes have been walking for DAYS
and they are pretty hungry and tired
and they are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no place to sleep
and it is getting pretty late
and Khalava is like alright guys i guess we should just camp here
but Thomas
who is a douchebag
is like come on dudes I gotta get my drunk on
lets find someone who we can steal booze from
and Khalava
who is also a douchebag
and also a kleptomaniac
is like sure ok

so they wander through this fucking forest for a really long time
and finally they find this janky looking house
and an old woman comes out
like get the fuck off my lawn kids
and they are like fuck no come on
are you really gonna let us like die in the woods
and the old woman is like fuck fine
one of you can sleep in the closet
one of you can sleep on the floor
and one of you can sleep in the sheep pen
and while she is saying this Khalava has already stolen some fish
and then he forgets about it
and Thomas steals the fish from Khalava
2X STEAL COMBO

so Thomas goes to sleep in the sheep pen
after devouring the fuck out of the fish he doublestole
and maybe fifteen minutes pass when the old woman waltzes in
and starts walking towards Tomas not really saying anything
and Thomas is like whoa now granny
normally I am all for some hot geriatric loving
but i just walked a very long distance today
and i don’t quite have my sexlegs under me right now
if you catch my drift
but granny is NOT CATCHING ANY OF HIS DRIFT WHATSOEVER
she just keeps walking towards him
and then he notices
HER FUCKING EYES ARE GLOWING
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and she jumps on his back
and literally rides his ass all across the countryside
like YAH TRICK YAH
for hours and hours
til he’s super tired
and he finally thinks maybe it’d be a good idea
to start shouting every exorcism he knows
DUDE WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS EARLIER
but anyway it works
and the old woman falls off his back
and then Thomas gets on HER back
and is like WHO IS THE TRICK NOW
and beats her with a stick while she runs around
until some time around dawn she falls down from exhaustion
and then turns into a beautiful woman?

so Thomas does the only sensible thing
which is run to Kiev
and never speak of this shit again
except maybe a week or two goes by
when some messenger comes
like hey dude
this hot chick showed up at her dad’s house
dying of exhaustion
she wants you to come say prayers over her for 3 days
and Thomas is like FUCK NO
and everyone is like DO IT OR GET HIT WITH STICKS
so he finally does it
he shows up at this chick’s dad’s place
and he goes to see the body
and SURPRISE SURPRISE
IT’S THE CHICK HE BEAT TO DEATH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
although honestly this is not a surprise at all
what other hot chick is gonna know this prick’s name?
anyway now he REALLY doesn’t wanna say prayers over her
but they make him do it anyway

so the first night
he’s in this old abandoned church
just him and the body
and he’s saying prayers
and suddenly the chick sits up in her coffin
like hey dude you done fucked up
and Thomas is like SHIT SHIT FUCKBALLS
and draws a magic circle of protection around himself
so she can’t get him
at which point she decides the best course of action
is to fly around the church in her coffin
trying to scare him out of the circle
i guess flying coffins are pretty scary
i’ve seen a few in my day
but they are not scary enough
to make a dude abandon his ONE VESTIGE OF SAFETY
so that is a colossal failure
but luckily for witchtits
Thomas still has to say prayers for TWO MORE FUCKING DAYS
that’s right
it’s a motherfucking PRAYERSTRAVAGANZA UP IN THIS CHURCH
so the second night
the witch gets all her demon pals together
and they ALL start flying all the fuck around the church
but here is the problem with these demons:
THEY CANNOT SEE THOMAS FOR SOME REASON
so that’s basically worthless
and Thomas manages to escape death for another night
but there is still one more night
for this chick to get this whole unholy murder thing right

so on the last night
i guess she calls in a favor with this evil gnome king
his name is Viy
or Vij
depending on who you ask
and like what time of day it is
doesn’t really matter what his name is
what matters
is he has eyelids that reach ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR
and he can see
EVERYTHING
guys
these two traits seem contradictory
but anyway
Thomas shows up at the church for the third night in a row
i mean i’m not going to sell this dude short
he TRIES to escape
but everyone is like fuck no
it is for some reason extremely important
that you say as many prayers AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE OVER THIS FUCKING BODY
so he’s more or less boned
and they haul in this droopy-lidded motherfucker
and Thomas KNOWS he shouldn’t look at it when they lift up its eyebrows
but he does it anyway
because i mean
at this point
i think he pretty much knows he’s fucked
and he sees this really gross face basically
and then Vij is like hey demons
DEMONS
the dude is right there
he’s been standing right there the whole time
what the fuck guys
can’t you see?
you know what you guys need?
droopier eyelids

so then all the demons swarm up on Thomas
and he dies of fright or whatever
and then the story ends with his shitty friends
talking about how he totally had this coming
for no better reason than that they are assholes
and that is the kind of shit assholes say
when their friends die

so the moral of the story
is if you are looking for a place to spend the night
and your only option is a woman who is clearly a witch
consider camping as an alternative
witches are really shitty hosts is what it comes down to

alright i’m going to go cry tears of blood and hate now

THE END.

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8 thoughts on “Russia Has Fucked Up Monsters

  1. Russia™

    Also, do semi-historical documents count as things you will improve? There's this thing called the Primary Chronicle (I don't know why, Russians are self-centered like that I guess), and it has stories about a bunch of East Slavic royalty and people being buried alive and killed by (presumably) thousands of flaming sparrows and pigeons.

    You've also got a bunch of saints' lives, including this thing called Petr and Fevronia/Peter and Febronia about some guy (Paul) who goes and kills a serpent that's posing as him and fucking his wife, and only that guy's brother (Peter) can kill the serpent with this magic sword. Then the brother gets covered with snakeblood and gets superbad acne or maybe leprosy. So he's like "hey russia you should heal me," long story short it involves a babycrazy bitch, which is a sufficient if not necessary condition for any myth.

    If you can't find decent English translations of these things, I can hook you up with translations I had to do for a class last term.

  2. Vij and Vij are the same name, pronounced the same way. It's just a different transliteration of the Russian word Вий, which, surprise surprise, is related to the word 'to see.'

    I take it the story never mentions what became of Khalava and Tiberius? They're fine? Poor Thomas. You can kind of see that coming.

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