Sir Gawain is a guy who only accepts shitty propositions

Groveling thank-you to gun-wielding murder hurricaine Maximillian Deathpitt
for paying me money to do something I was ALREADY DESPERATE TO DO
HERE IS WHAT IT IS:

Man Sir Gawain is the ultimate motherfucker

in fact
there’s a good chance he actually fucked your mother
because where Sir Gawain goes
few asses remain untapped
seriously he is the patron saint of titillating the tuna taco
and also apparently the sworn protector of ladies
which is only kind of a conflict of interest
but how that came about is a story for some other time

the story for right now
is about how one day
pretty much immediately after Lancelot joined the round table actually
all the knights are chilling out eating lunch
and suddenly this dude just busts in on his horse
guys
this shit happens all the time
people are constantly just walking into the dining room of this fucking castle
do they just leave the gates open with a sign that says
PROBLEMS?
CONSIDER CAUSING THEM IN HERE

anyway this is no ordinary knight we are talking about
because this fucker is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GREEN
also his horse is green
his armor is green
everyone assumes his pubes are green but no one wants to check
oh yeah also his skin

so Arthur is like whoa dude what the fuck
either you are making some kind of a statement about the environment
OR
some seriously weird shit is going on right now
OR
both
and the green knight is like OPTION B IT IS
you see i am known as the green knight
and King Arthur is like no shit
and the green knight is like shut up
look
i am trying to find a knight for an idiotic adventure
have I come to the right place?
and Arthur is like YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
and the knight is like great
ok here’s what you do
pick one of your knights, and he gets to hit me once
with my axe
and if I survive I get to hit him back one year from now
so basically like that game where I kick you in the nuts
and then you kick me in the nuts
and so on
except you get to go first
and we are playing with AXES
and Arthur is like THAT DOES NOT SOUND SUSPICIOUS AT ALL

so then he turns to Lancelot
like hey Lancelot
you just joined the round table right
and you’re the best knight in the world
this shit sounds like it is right up your alley
but Lancelot
who pretty much refuses EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK LIKE A BADASS
is like nah i’m too weak to do whatever it is
let Sir Gawain do it
he looks like he really wants to do it
and Sir Gawain is like HOLY SHIT PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME
so Arthur is like sure ok go for it
and Gawain is like HA HA HA NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG
and he picks up the axe and he REMOVES THE KNIGHT’S HEAD WITH IT
but then PLOT TWIST
the head just rolls around the room like HAHAHAHAHA BITCH
and then the knight picks his head up
puts it back on his neck
and is like ok Gawain see you in one year
and Gawain is like aw balls

so for a year Gawain kind of tries to forget about this shit
but eventually it is time for him to go find the Green Knight
but luckily Gawain has no idea where that fucker lives
so he just starts wandering around on his horse
pretty much just going wherever
probably hoping that he’ll get lost and not have to die
and that plan is going pretty well
i mean this green knight could basically be anywhere in the fucking universe
and Gawain only has 4 days left to find him
but then night falls
and Gawain’s horse rams into a castle wall
and Gawain is like OH SHIT BEDS
MUST HAVE
and some dude comes to the door like HELLO SIR
and Gawain is like hey man do you know if there are any green knights up in here?
and the dude is like oh yeah man he lives like 2 blocks from here
and Gawain is like DAMMIT WHAT ARE THE ODDS
well can I at least hang out here for the next couple days
and the dude is like DO COME INSIDE

so Gawain gets inside and this castle is P-I-M-P
fucking tapestries all up the hell right now
couches so finely upholstered it is like there are couches on those couches
and Gawain is like whoa this is some pretty sweet shit
and the dude is like OH I KNOW
WELCOME TO LIBERTY CASTLE
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AT LIBERTY CASTLE
THE ONLY LIMIT
IS YOURSELF
so can i get you some young boys to fuck or anything?
seriously whatever you want
and Gawain is like WHY IS YOUNG BOYS THE FIRST THING YOU OFFER ME
DO I LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE OR SOMETHING
DO I HAVE A CREEPY UNWASHED BEARD
DO I LOITER NEAR SCHOOLS AND PLAYGROUNDS
and the lord guy is like whoa whoa calm down
you can fuck my wife instead if you want
look here she is
isn’t she hot
and Gawain is like DUDE I AM GOING TO DIE IN 4 DAYS
TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE VIRTUOUS RIGHT NOW
and the lord is like oh ok that’s cool that’s cool
we were just about to have dinner
do you want some midgets to suck your dick under the table
I can make that happen
PS: Tonight’s menu is nothing but POWERFUL APHRODISIACS
so basically
Gawain has just stumbled into the castle from the fucking Rocky Horror Picture Show
NOW WITH SWORDS

So Gawain is like nope nope nope nope
just gonna have some cold mutton
and then go to my room and masturbate furiously until i forget about your wife
pretty sure it is not possible to walk ten feet in this place
without committing some kind of mortal sin
so i am going to play it safe
and just stay in my room more or less constantly until it is time to leave

SO THE NEXT MORNING HAPPENS
and the lord of the castle shows up in Gawain’s room like hey buddy
bout to go out hunting
wanna make a suspicious deal?
and Gawain is like DO I
WHAT IS IT
and the lord is like ok how about at the end of the day
I give you whatever I get during the course of my day
and you give me whatever YOU get
and Gawain is like well shit
not like i’m gonna get anything
just gonna hang out here and pray for forgiveness for all the vag I’ve pounded
this sounds like free stuff city right here
I ACCEPT
and the lord is like EXCELLENT
and then he leaves
and Gawain starts trying to figure out where the chapel is

but he has NO IDEA where the chapel is
so he rings this little bell the lord gave him to summon servants with
and who shows up but THE LORD’S HOT WIFE
wearing a dress that can only be described as a goddamn tits fiasco
and she is like hey sugarduck what part of you do you want fellated
and Gawain is like NONE
NO PARTS
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE CHAPEL IS
and the chick starts crying
and Gawain is like whoa i’m sorry i’m sorry
and the chick is like MY HUSBAND THINKS MY LIPS ARE GROSS
and Gawain is like madame i assure you
your saliva pillows are some straight up artisinally crafted shit
and the chick is like NO NO THE CONSISTENCY IS ALL WRONG
HERE KISS THEM SO YOU CAN GIVE ME AN INFORMED OPINION
and Gawain is like WELL OKAY
BUT JUST THIS ONCE
and he kisses her
and she is all trying to jam her tongue down his throat and shit
but Gawain is super honorable about this shit and he keeps those teeth SHUT
and then he is like uh um okay
forget about the chapel
just get the fuck out of my room
and then he goes back to praying and masturbating
like GOD I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN
BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO BE VIRTUOUS IN A METEOR SWARM OF TITS

anyway then the lord comes home
and he is like HEY I GOT YOU SOME PHEASANTS
DID YOU GET ANYTHING TODAY?
and Gawain is like nope
and the Lord is like ARE YOU SURE
ANYTHING AT ALL
and Gawain is like aw fuck
I got kissed
so he has to make out with this dude a little
and then he is like you know what man
how about I just leave this fucking place and sleep in the woods
and the Lord is like NOPE
INVISIBLE WALL BITCH
GOTTA STAY HERE UNTIL IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GO DIE
OH HEY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THE SAME DEAL TOMORROW?
and Gawain is like uh no thanks
not really hungry for more meat
in any sense of the word
and the lord is like well dude I can get you some sweet bear pelts or whatever
come on
are you a pansy?
and Gawain is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PANSY
I ACCEPT

so the next day
Gawain decides he is going to just try and find the chapel on his own
and not risk running into the dude’s wife
but the dude’s wife is apparently IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT RUN INTO
because she finds him pretty much immediately
and she is like BOO HOO MY HUSBAND DOESN’T LIKE MY TITS
and Gawain is like look bitch i am wise to your pranks
you are just trying to get me to squeeze your soft firm love buoys
WELL COUNT ME IN
and then he honks her boobs
and maybe he honks them a little too thoroughly
because then she is like WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE COWBOY
I JUST WANTED A QUICK FIRMNESS ASESSMENT NOT A FUCKING MAMMOGRAM
and she leaves
and Gawain is like PLEASE GOD PLEASE
STOP TRYING TO BURY ME IN A BOOB TSUNAMI

so then the lord gets home
and he is like here is a bear pelt
WHAT DID YOU GET
and Gawain is like sigh
unbutton your shirt
and then he honks the dude’s hairy manboobs
and the lord is like hm I wonder whose boobs you honked
not even clear if it was a man or a woman…
and Gawain is like CERTAINLY WAS NOT YOUR WIFE
OF THAT MUCH I CAN ASSURE YOU
and the lord is like welp
you’re only in my castle for one more day
WANNA MAKE THAT SHITTY DEAL AGAIN?
and Gawain is like fuck it
whatever
oh hey where is your chapel by the way
and the lord is like WE DON’T HAVE ONE WE’RE PAGANS
and Gawain is like wow that explains everything
probably should have seen that coming

SO THE NEXT DAY
Gawain wakes up
and he’s just like you know what
fuck it
that chick is gonna find me no matter what
i’m just going to find her first and give her a piece of my mind
my MIND
NOT MY PENIS
DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GIVE HER PART OR ALL OF MY PENIS
so he walks around for a bit and it is not long before he finds the chick’s room
and he busts in like DON’T EVEN TRY TO SEDUCE ME BITCH
and she is sitting on her bed reading all proper-like
and she’s like what
who are you why are you in my room
GUARDS
SEIZE HIM
and Gawain is like what
what is this
and then some guards run in
and Gawain CHOPS THEM IN HALF
and then the chick jumps on him like I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF
OOP WAIT I MEANT HAVE SEX WITH YOU
MY MISTAKE
and before anyone realizes what’s going on
SEX IS HAPPENING
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY TWO DUDES HAD TO DIE TO MAKE THIS OCCUR
IS THIS
THE MOST BRUTAL SEDUCTION?

anyway Gawain lays the sexytimes on pretty thick
and then when sex time is over
he’s like oh fuck
several problems suddenly occur to me
1) I just fucked another dude’s wife
2) as per my agreement with the dude I now have to fuck HIM
3) I just killed two men but honestly who gives a shit
FUCK WHAT DO I DO

so he goes back to his room and he starts feverishly praying again
and pretty soon the lord shows up like HEY BUDDY I BROUGHT YOU SOME MORE MEAT
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEAT FOR ME?
and Gawain is like NONE
I GOT NOTHING
and the Lord is like ARE YOU SURE
and Gawain is like SURE AS CRYSTAL
and the Lord is like welp
okay then
guess you are free to go
and Gawain is like YESSSSSS

but he still feels like shit though
because he just fucked a dude’s wife and then lied to him about it
and even worse
he broke a SWORN AGREEMENT BETWEEN TWO MEN
this is not something that knights are supposed to do
so he mopes his way on down the road to the chapel where the green knight lives
and the knight is there like oh hey man
right on time
and Gawain is just like hurry the fuck up and end me man
I’m a wretched piece of shit and I deserve to die
and the knight is like alright dude just put your head on my murderblock right here
and then he brings down the axe
BUT HE DOESN’T CUT OFF GAWAIN’S HEAD
HE JUST KIND OF GRAZES HIS NECK A LITTLE
and then he stands up like haha Gawain I pranked you
i am actually the lady of the lake
and that whole castle was an illusion
and that chick was me
and the dude was also me
and this whole thing was a test
and you passed
because it is better to lie
than be gay
ONLY FUCK VAGINAS MY FRIEND THAT IS THE LESSON

but that isn’t the moral of the story
because see
if the lady of the lake was the chick
and also the dude
then the dude wasn’t really a dude
he was a chick
so Gawain wouldn’t have been fucking a dude
he would have been fucking a chick
so the moral of the story
is your life will probably be a lot more fun
if you assume every moral quandary is a test from magic fairies
and just have sex with EVERYONE

THE END

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16 thoughts on “Sir Gawain is a guy who only accepts shitty propositions

  1. I just googled 'goddamn tits fiasco' and… you invented that phrase. Even if for some reason you choose not to have that inscribed on your tombstone, I'll be there waiting, with a chisel.

    PS TOTALLY NOT A THREAT.

  2. What about the bit where she says 'here, take these magic panties to keep you safe from getting your head chopped off' and he says 'oh, ok, that's kinda appealing actually'… did you read a different version to me or something? Even if you are translating garter as vagina, there was still a certain amount of 'want my vagina of immortality' going on… CHARACTER MOTIVATION, DUDE!

  3. I wish I would have had this to hand out to my students a few years ago when we read this. Definitely would've cleared a few things up for them.

  4. I think it is

    GOD I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN
    BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO BE VIRTUOUS IN A METEOR SWARM OF TITS

    that is ending up on the tombstone.

  5. I'm pretty sure Tits Fiasco needs to be my new burlesque name. YES changing it after 5+ years will be a hardship, but COME ON PEOPLE, IT'S OBVIOUSLY THE BEST STAGE NAME EVER INVENTED!!!

  6. It was the Lady of the Lake at the end? I remembered it was Morgan Le Fay(e) who conjured up the Green Knight. Did the Lady of the Lake even exist when Sir Gawain & the Green Knight first came out?

    • I based this on the version in Arthur Rex by Thomas Berger. It’s more contemporary, and it has the Lady of the Lake instead of Morgan Le Faye. I view it as a kind of “Insert Random Magic Lady Here” type of situation.

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