Snow White and Rose Red: No Relation to That Other Snow White

Hey so there’s this chick who had a birthday right?
technically it was yesterday
especially in sweden where she lives
but i have not gone to sleep from her birthday day yet
so i guess that means I was partying so hard
that i arrived fashionably late
to her birthday party
in the WRONG COUNTRY
so yeah happy birthday, Titballista Bjonkersstein
here’s a story about dwarves
there are no gay dudes but you are just going to have to DEAL WITH THAT

Alright so there’s this woman right
like most people you find in fairytales
she is terrible at naming children
she names them snow white and rose red
because she has some rose bushes out front of her house that are those colors
maybe she got snow white from reading some fairytale about dwarves
who knows
either way
shitty at names
but unlike other fairytale moms
she does not die inexplicably in the first paragraph
so that’s a point in her favor

anyway this family is PAINFULLY happy
they live in a cottage in the woods
and they try set up some feeble distinction between snow white and rose red
but really they’re just a couple of fucking kids
running around causing a ruckus
or actually
causing no ruckus whatsoever
they are great kids
they aren’t assholes or starving or anything
SO ALRIGHT WHERE DOES THE STORY COME IN?

so one night it’s winter and everything
and they’re all hanging out by the fire being real familial and shit
when all of a sudden KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
HERE COMES THE DOOR POLICE MAKING NOISE ALL OVER YOUR DOOR
and so snow white goes to the door like WHO THE FUCK IS IT
and the dude outside is all A BEAR
A BEAR IS OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE
I AM THE BEAR IN CASE THAT WASN’T CLEAR
and they are kind of worried about letting a talking bear into their house
but this is one smooth talking bear so eventually they let him in
and he sits in front of the fire
and the two little girls proceed to repeatedly punch him in the head
and tug on his fur
until any normal bear would have eaten them and then shat in their mom’s lap
but this bear just sits there and takes it
because he’s a shitty bear who can’t stand the cold
I guess he lost his cave or something
but seriously what kind of bear needs to couchsurf through fucking hibernation

anyway this continues to happen ALL WINTER LONG
the bear keeps showing up
and the girls keep punching him in the head
and he gets to like the family and they get to like him
who knows why
but then winter’s over and he’s all PEACE DUDES SEE YOU NEXT WINTER MAYBE
I GOTTA GO GUARD MY CAVE FULL OF TREASURE AGAINST THE DWARVES
see in the winter the dwarves are all frozen into their evil dwarf burrows
but in the spring the burrows thaw out and they are free to come charging out
dick first
hucking shit into bags and fucking your valuables
WAIT NOW HOLD ON BEARPANTS MCGEE
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAD A CAVE ALL ALONG?
A CAVE FULL OF FUCKING RUBIES?
AND YOU DECIDED TO CRASH AT SOME COTTAGE IN THE GODDAMN WOODS?
YOUR BEAR LICENSE IS HEREBY REVOKED

ok but anyway they’re all pretty sad but what are you gonna do
gotta keep those dwarfdicks off your diamond tiaras
or whatever
i mean what kind of treasure does a bear keep in a cave
i figure all the good shit gets scooped up by dragons
i feel like the main kind of treasure you find in a bear cave
is bear shit
okay this tangent is kind of getting away from me
lemme get back on track
ahem

so snow white and rose red get over the loss of their abusable animal pal
and they go out walking in the woods
and pretty soon they come across this dwarf
he has his mandatory dwarf beard stuck in a log and he is very frustrated
so he sees snow white and rose red and he’s like WELL WELL WELL
NO ONE TOLD ME HUSSY BRIGADE WAS MARCHING THIS WAY
AND ME RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARADE ROUTE
HEY ASSCLOWNS HOW ABOUT FREEING MY BEARD FROM THIS TREE
I MEAN I’M STILL GOING TO HATE YOU AND MAYBE PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
SHUT THE FUCK UP
and Snow White and Rose Red are like SURE BUDDY NO PROBLEM
and they chop off the end of his beard and set him free
and he’s like YOU COLOSSAL COCK CACTI
THAT WAS MY GOIN’ OUT BEARD
RUINED BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKERY
WELL I’LL JUST BE TAKING MY MASSIVE BAG OF RUBIES AND LEAVING
and then he disappears and they don’t even think that is weird or anything
remember they are fairytale people

so that would be fine
asshole dwarf
sack full of rubies
whatever
but then they are out fishing the next day and they run into the SAME FUCKING DWARF
he has failed at fishing so hard
his beard is tangled in his fishing line
and the fish is too manly for him
and it is basically going to beardslam him into the water and then drown him
but the girls save him by
YOU GUESSED IT
FURTHER RUINING HIS BEARD
so obviously this does not please the dwarf
his beard is just getting mutilated
he’s like LISTEN DICKSHITS
IF I WANTED A DE-BEARDENING I’D STICK MY HEAD IN A FUCKING WOOD CHIPPER
WHAT IS THIS SHIT
ARE YOU A FUCKING BARBERSHOP QUARTET
BECAUSE IF SO
WHERE IS THE FAT GUY AND THE REALLY TALL TENOR
WHERE ARE YOUR STRIPED SHIRTS
WHERE ARE YOUR WEIRD FLAT STRAW HATS AND YOUR HOOKED CANES
and the girls are like we are not a barbershop quartet
and the dwarf is like DAMN RIGHT
SO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY FACEJACKET
and then he picks up ANOTHER huge bag of treasure
and he leaves

now you’d think that by this point
snow white and rose red would have gotten sick of helping this guy
they save his life and he basically just spews a thick mucous of insults
out of his scabby dwarf beard
and then picks up a bunch of rad treasure and disappears
you’d think that perhaps when they found the dwarf being mauled by an eagle
they might let him die and go looking for his sick riches
WELL IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THEN YOU THOUGHT WRONG
because see what you are forgetting
is that everyone in fairytales is either stupid or an asshole
there is nothing else
so yeah they see this eagle nonsense
and they manage to yank the dwarf out of its grasp
and the dwarf is like YOU SIPHYLITIC TWANKSHANKS
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY JACKET
THIS IS MY GOLDFUCKING JACKET
THERE’S A GOLD RING ON THE FRONT OF IT AND YOU LINE IT UP WITH THE GOLD AND
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF
RACING AROUND THE FOREST RUINING MY CAREFULLY ENGINEERED LOOK
DO I SHOW UP TO YOUR BARBERSHOP
SLAP THE COCKS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
AND TEAR YOUR WEIRD STRIPED JACKET WHILE AN EAGLE TRIES TO MURDER YOU
DO I?
DOOOO IIIIII?
and the girls are like alright dude whatever
and they leave him where he is
and he gathers up all his jewels
but see he is that rarest of fairytale creatures:
a stupid asshole
actually those aren’t that rare
but anyway what he does is he just sits right down and starts counting his jewels
right there in the middle of eagle territory
and the girls come walking back home while he’s doing this
and they see all his fat loot
and he’s getting ready to let fly with some REALLY BRUTAL INSULTS
when WHOA SHIT HERE COMES THAT BEAR FROM EARLIER
and the dwarf is like uh hey bear buddy what’s good
look the way I see it
you could eat me
that would be okay except that i don’t shower and my beard is full of knives
OR
you can eat those two girls
they think they’re in a barbershop quartet or something
they’re fucking crazy
crazy DELICIOUS that is
and the bear is like fuck this and he kills the dwarf
and then BAM he turns into a HANDSOME PRINCE
OF COURSE
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN SHITTING YOURSELF WONDERING WHERE ALL THE PRINCES WENT
IT’S OKAY GUYS THEY WERE INSIDE THIS BEAR
so yeah he’s all thank you for saving me guys
that dwarf put a curse on me that made me into a bear
and the only thing that could lift the curse was if he died
good thing I’m a bear and killing things is basically what I do huh?
and then they are all rich for a long time
and they are happy forever because money makes you happy

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to curse someone
do not turn them into a FUCKING BEAR
that’s like putting someone in prison
but the prison is a GIANT ROBOT SUIT

THE END.
(also happy birthday)

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11 thoughts on “Snow White and Rose Red: No Relation to That Other Snow White

  1. ps Wikipedia also gives a "citition needed" explanation for the german names of the two Snow Whites (they're spelled differently or something to do with dialects…?)

    • That’s true.

      Snow White with the evil queen and her mirror is spelled Schneewittchen in German, meaning Snow White in low German.

      Snow White with the bear prince is spelled Schneeweißchen and is the high German spelling of the name.

  2. I'm a little confused as to why it took the bear so long to kill the dwarf when he's a goddamn bear, but whatever. I guess everybody in fairytales really is stupid. That should be the moral of the last two weeks.

  3. If there's one thing I've learned from playing Dwarf Fortress, it's that fish want to beardslam dwarves into the water and drown them.

  4. I thought dwarves were obsessed with gold. WTF is this ruby business?? This story must be historically inaccurate. Goddamn translators.

  5. Wait… I am nearly 25 now and I just realised that both are called Snow White, even in German, although of course they PERFECTLY covered that up by naming that seven dwarves girl Schneewittchen and this one Schneeweißchen, meaning EXACTLY the same thing. And I didn’t realise that? Damn, I’m stupid.
    Nevermind. Back to reading. Where was I? Ah, yes. The heading.

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