Sparrows Are Another Kind Of Animal That Can Talk

Sorry I fucked up let’s pretend today is Saturday
what are you complaining about
now you get 1 extra day of weekend

Anyway so Japan right

it’s got these two old people in it
they are married
one is a man and one is a woman
i just thought i’d make that clear
so they have this pet right
it’s a sparrow
apparently that is a kind of pet that you keep in japan
and the old man is all ABOUT this sparrow
but see his wife
like just about every wife we have discussed for the last week
and really pretty much every woman that gets mentioned in myths ever
is resting on a vast underground reserve
of bitchtonium
which is a radioactive element
that basically just makes you a huge bitch all the time
so one day this woman is doing laundry
and the bird flies over to where she is keeping her starch
and is like THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS
YOINK
at which point this dame gets so butthurt
that her butt walks with a permanent limp from that day forward
and also she grabs the sparrow
cuts its fucking tongue
like she’s a mob boss or some shit
and then naturally the sparrow is like fuck this i’m leaving

so later the old man comes home
and he is like where is my lovable feathered pal?
and his wife is like HE STOLE MY STARCH SO I FUCKING CUT THAT BITCH
and the old man is like jesus christ woman
why do you always cut my friends on their tongues
fuck this i’m leaving
so he leaves and he goes looking for his animal buddy
and it takes him FUCKING FOREVER
but finally they just run into each other
and the bird is like sup dude
congrats on finding me
and the dude is like sup bird
congrats on being able to talk despite having a cut up tongue
and the bird is like dude i have not seen you in forever
let’s have a FEAST
so they feast
i don’t know where the sparrow gets all this food
but he is seriously hooked the fuck UP
like he is so hooked up
that the hooks he is hooked up with
are hooked up with other hooks
that are in turn continuing to HOOK HIM UP
so after like a solid week
of nonstop megafood indulgence
the man is like this is really great dude
but i kind of abandoned my wife a month or so ago
and she’s prolly getting pretty pissed at this point
like her natural state is pretty pissed actually
so i think she might be getting ultimate pissed
and when she is ultimate pissed sometimes she threatens to cut my tongue
maybe it’s better that i don’t go home
so he hangs out for like another week or so
but finally he’s like you know what
i kind of miss my house
enough to brave my venomous bitch of a wife
so im sorry dude but i really gotta go
and the bird is like aww fuck dude
it was great having you around
here
have some baskets
and the old man is like damn son
one of those baskets is really unreasonably heavy
and i am unreasonably old
how about i just take the light one
and the bird is like sure dude no problem

so the old man gets home
and his wife is like WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE I WANT TO CUT YOUR TONGUE
and the old man is like chill out i was just hanging with some birds
look i got a basket
and he opens the basket
and it is FULL OF GOLD
WHERE DO BIRDS GET GOLD
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PIGEON WITH A FUCKING ROLEX OR ANYTHING
so his wife is like oh shit yes
hold on husband
lemme try and get some birdgold real quick

so she goes to the bird’s house
which honestly given the details of this myth is probably more like a mansion
and she is like yo bird good to see you
and the bird is like fuck off bitch
and the woman is like aren’t you at least going to give me some presents
and the bird is like sure here’s two baskets but you can only have one
and the woman is like I WANT THE HEAVY ONE I BET IT’S FULL OF GOLD
but guess what
turns out it’s full of GOBLINS instead
i dunno how many goblins you can fit in a basket
but this basket is full of at least three times that many
and they jump out and beat the shit out of her
okay i was confused as to where a bird got gold
but WHERE THE FUCK does a bird get GOBLINS?
GOBLINS THAT ARE WILLING TO GET STUFFED IN A BASKET AND OFFERED TO STRANGERS?
I’VE SEEN DUDES WEARING ROLEXES
I HAVE NEVER SEEN DUDES TOTING A FULL ON GOBLINOID PICNIC PARTY OF PAIN
anyway then the old man remarries and has a son
and lives happily ever after while his wife gets ruined by monsters

so the moral of the story
is make friends with sparrows
i don’t know where they get all this shit
but they will HOOK
YOU
UP

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Sparrows Are Another Kind Of Animal That Can Talk

  1. Wasn't the sparrow being a bit of a dick? Cos like if the heavy basket was the same one each time baskets are offered then he was offering his bud the old man a basket full of murderous goblins. WTF is up with that?

    • in at least one version of the story
      she’s specifically a fairy
      which explains it
      because fairies think giving their friends
      a heavy box full of goblins
      is HILARIOUS

  2. Please, Grimm's Cinderella already had this lesson down pat. Her birds hooked her up for the ball and peeked out the eyes of her evil step family.
    ………sparrows are a little dark, come to think of it……God, don't get on their bad side.

  3. In the version of this story I read, the sparrow somehow turns into a hot chick. Which would explain the house.
    Maybe that’s who the old dude married in the end?

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