Tantalus: Yet another bastard

(Guys look over to the left
I am actually organizing this blog guys
it is totally crazy)

I can’t believe i didn’t do this one before

Ok so Tantalus right
fuck where do I even start with this guy
basically he’s this king of a place called Sipylus
which is practically an anagram of syphilis
so you know this guy is all class

anyway Tantalus starts moving in the right circles
and he makes a bunch of friends who are gods
and one night the gods are like dude come over
we’ll have a feast
it’ll be awesome
btw it’s a potluck

so Tantalus is like fuuuuuuck
i wanna make a stew
but I’m all out of meat
I KNOW
I’LL USE MY SON PELOPS
BRILLIANT
so he cuts up his son
and he boils him and makes soup
and then brings a big pot of filicide
to the gods’ party
all like SOUP’S ON BITCHES

but see here is the thing he forgets
is that these people are GODS
they have POWERS
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN YOUR SOUP
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN ALL THE SOUP
so when tantalus shows up like would you like to eat some murder
all the gods are like WHAT
GROSS
EW
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
THERE ARE STORES THAT SELL MEAT
ARE YOU
ARE YOU REALLY THAT LAZY?
LIKE
MURDEROUSLY LAZY?
and tantalus is like whoops you got me
my bad
but you guys can for sure bring him back to life
so it’s totally fine and i’m forgiven
right?
and the gods are like dammit fine

so they gather up all the chunks of Pelops
and put them in a sacred cauldron
and somehow magic reverse-boil them into a living dude
except WHAT’S THIS
PELOPS IS MISSING A SHOULDER
this is because Demeter
was so stressed out over her missing daughter persephone
that she was totally oblivious to all the cannibalism going down
and just ate pelops’s shoulder straight up not giving a shit
so the gods are like gr so annoying
hey HEPHAESTUS
and Hephaestus is like WHAT
and they are like make this guy a new shoulder out of ivory
so that happens
and then pelops turns out to be super hot
and then poseidon starts banging him up on mount olympus
but then zeus kicks him out
because he is pissed off at Tantalus still
because after the party
they find out tantalus stole a bunch of booze and stuff
also a gold dog
although actually he did not steal that from the gods
he stole that from his asshole friend Pandareus
who stole it from the gods
so this dude is basically just maxing out the fucked-up-ometer
so hard it shoots steam and gets rabies

so at this point
the gods are like why are we even friends with this guy
why did we ever invite him to any parties
why didn’t we just kill him instead
well it’s never too late for murder
so they kill him
and put him in Tartarus
which (if you recall) is basically double-hell
and they put some delicious grapes right over his head
and fill the shithole he’s standing in with tasty water
all the way up to his chin
but when he tries to grab the grapes
the grapes are like PSYCHE
NO GRAPES FOR YOU
and the water is basically the same brand of dick
so he is always hungry and thirsty
also i think there is a rock hanging over his head or something

so the moral of the story is basically just don’t be an asshole
except gods and stuff get away with being assholes all the time
so i think the REAL moral that tantalus illustrates
is don’t be an asshole THREE TIMES IN THE SAME DAY

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Tantalus: Yet another bastard

  1. I don't know what grad schools you applied for, but if you'd applied to my department, I would be full-scholarshipping your delightful ass.

  2. Pingback: Daedalus is a Way Bigger Asshole Than You Suspected | Myths RETOLD

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