Daedalus is a Way Bigger Asshole Than You Suspected

Yes guys I heard you
you want me to translate more of Tolkien’s dense jungle of fancy names for you
and you will GET more Silmarillion
I guarantee
except you are going to have to wait til Wednesday
because today I dug up a Greek myth you might also dig.

So Daedalus
you may remember him as the very smart guy with the very dumb sperm
but before he was that guy
he was the royal arch-nerd of Athens
trained by Athena herself
and he had an apprentice

this apprentice was named Perdix
or Talos
or Calus
or Circinus
or … Tantalus?
You know, maybe there were more than one of these dudes
and Daedalus just went through them like blueprint paper
which he probably also used as toilet paper
because he was too lazy to go to two different stores
you know how geniuses are.

But that is all baseless conjecture
so we’ll pretend these dudes were all the same person
because it makes the story easier
and we will call them all Perdix
because it sort of sounds like bird dicks
and now you have to think about that.

Perdix is twelve years old
and he is mad smart
I mean Daedalus is smart
he can build handjob robots and do math and parallel park like a motherfucker
but Perdix is so smart
one day he finds a fish skeleton on the beach
and he discovers he can use it to cut sticks in half
and then invents the saw
HOLY SHIT
this kid is so smart he can cut sticks in half with some brittle-ass fish remains
he is performing construction work
armed only with the type of shit satiated cats pull out of their gullets in cartoons
fuck inventing saws
who gives a shit about that, you can buy those at the store
who is this guy who can CONQUER WOOD WITH GARBAGE??

So Daedalus hears about this and is like aw hell no
I have been trying to figure out how to chisel granite with a rusty tin can for like
AGES
this kid is going DOWN
and then it turns out Daedalus is right
except what Perdix is going down on
turns out to be Perdix’s MOM
who is also Daedalus’s sister
DUDE IS LIKE TWELVE
HE HAS SO MUCH GAME.
and Daedalus is like okay
so not only is this guy better than me at science
he is also better than me at sex?
fuck this, everybody dies

so he’s like hey perdix
come with me up to this high tower so i can give you a geography lesson
and Perdix is like okay what’s the lesson
and Daedalus is like the lesson is that geography is very dangerous
when you are hurtling towards it at high speeds
ka-PUSH!

so perdix dies
and Daedalus stuffs him in a bag and starts dragging him to the dump
and people are like whoa dude what’s in that bag
and Daedalus is like “oh well I saw a snake on the ground
and it is against the law to leave snakes lying around
so i picked it up and put it in this bag”
but friends
take it from me
there is a big difference between a bag full of snakes and a bag full of dead kids
people figure out daedalus’s crafty ploy
about the same time the bag starts leaking copious amounts of blood
seriously for a genius inventor he is pretty bad at disposing of bodies.
I guess he does pretty good with Icarus, though, now that i think of it.

Anyway, Athena is not a big fan of this whole scenario
but all she does about it is turn Perdix into a partridge
and that is why partridges always stay low to the ground
or in pear trees or whatever
it’s because they don’t want to get pushed out of any more buildings
even though they can FUCKING FLY NOW.

As for Daedalus, he gets kicked out of the city
which is not a big deal because he just moves town the road to Crete
where he makes his living building anatomically correct fursuits for the nobility
until he gets in even more trouble

So the moral of the story
is you can either be successful in science
or successful in bed
being both is just asking your friends and instructors to defenestrate you

THE END.

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2 thoughts on “Daedalus is a Way Bigger Asshole Than You Suspected

  1. Handjob robots, eh? Are you a Borderlands fan, by any chance?

    I guess I also might as well take the time to tell you how much I love your site, even though sometimes I get jealous that I didn’t come up with idea first. But you probably do a better job than I could, so I’m content to just enjoy your writing. I’ve unapologetically declared to my friends on multiple occasions that it’s the best thing on the entire internet. Keep up the awesome work.

  2. Holy motherfuck, I didn’t know this myth! This Daedalus is something else. It makes sense that “Perdix” would mean “partdridge,” that’s what “perdrix” with an “r” means in French.

    Also I’ll work this week on scanning the Wendigo/Windigo story!

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