The Bitch and Her Friend

Yep.

This is one of those stories where I can just transcribe the title directly
and it will sound like I wrote it
not only does it sound like I wrote it
it sounds like story should go something like
“So one time I ran up on this bitch, right
man
she was a HUUUUGE bitch
like, HUGE
but man
MAN
you shoulda seen her friend.”

but no
that is not the story i am going to tell you
this story is a fable and so it is about dogs

so once upon a time there is this bitch
literally a bitch
like in the way you used to use bitch when you were in elementary school
and someone had just called you out on using a dirty word
what i mean to say is
there is a pregnant female dog
and this is not just any pregnant bitch
this bitch is HOMELESS
so she hits up her friend
and her friend is actually a really nice dog
and not a bitch at all
in any sense
and this bitch is like HEY FRIEND
I NEED A PLACE TO CRASH WHILE I POOP OUT THESE PUPPIES
and her friend is like oh sure no problem
you can take my place
I will uh
go be homeless?
(dogs do not place as high a value as we do on having homes
because they are dogs)

so a week later the bitch gives birth
meaning she is no longer a bitch
but actually this just serves to uncover the next layer of her bitchery
because then her friend comes back and she’s like OHHHHH MAN
I AM SO TIRED FROM POOPING ALL THESE TINY DOGS OUT MY WOMB
CAN I CRASH HERE FOR LIKE ANOTHER MONTH OR SO?
and her friend is like uh sure
i don’t really mind being homeless cause I’m a dog
I hear one of my friends just discovered heroin
i may try that out

so then a MONTH passes
and this doglady comes back to her house with a heroin needle all sticking out of her haunch
and she’s like uh hey
i kinda need my place back
I am very sleepy
and her bitch friend is like oh
sure
you can have your place back
IF YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH ALL MY PISSED OFF SONS
because see
her puppies are all grown up now
and vicious and terrible
check and mate

so the moral of the story
is try not to give away your house
I thought we all knew this already.

The end.

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