The Cat

S’been a while
so i figured I’d dig out my copy of Grimm’s
and defeat any remaining hope/optimism you have left in your spirit
after this long and brutal winter

speaking of long and brutal winter
this myth takes place right before one
in Germany
which i think has pretty brutal winters
I was debating this with one of my friends yesterday
and we eventually decided
that neither of us know very much about germany
anyway the season is important
because this is the season a mouse and a cat decide to become roommates
right, yes
a mouse
and a CAT

now I will grant that there have been more unlikely fairytale living arrangements
but generally when i am apartment hunting
i like to make my decision based on three main requirements
1. Cheap rent
2. Easy access to public transit and grocery shopping
3. Relatively free of my natural predators
mouse has failed point three by a long shot
no kind of public transit is easy-access in old-times Germany
and i don’t care how cheap your rent is dude
you are LIVING WITH A THING THAT PEOPLE BUY SPECIFICALLY TO KILL YOU
but at least there’s a grocery store nearby
here’s how I know:

the first thing these two idiots decide when they move in together
is that they should get an emergency food stash
so that during the long brutal winter
the cat doesn’t uh
forget who her friends are
and the wintertime snack of choice in Germany
is a GIGANTIC TUB OF FAT
yep just fat
this explains things to me about german cuisine
so they buy this fat
but they don’t have a refrigerator
so they store it in the next best thing
a church
based on the foolproof logic that no one will ever steal anything from a church
so uh

ANYWAY
about two days pass and the cat gets hungry
and instead of eating her roomate
she does the considerate thing
and decides to sneak back to the church and chew the fat
with the priest
so she can sneak past him and chew the actual fat she has hidden in the church
[lol]
in order to do this she has to tell the mouse a brilliant lie
so she is like Mouse, hey
i gotta go to the church cuz uh
one of my sisters is having a baby and it’s getting baptized
i’m sposed to be the godmother or something
mouse sees nothing wrong with this
because he is a mouse and is lucky to even know how to talk

so the cat goes and eats the fat
and then comes home
and the mouse is like how was the baptism
and the cat is like good good
and the mouse is like what did they name the kid?
and the cat is like uh
Top-Off
yeah
Top-Off
and the mouse is like uh that’s a weird name
and the cat is like yeah well
they thought it would be really funny if she ever goes to mardi gras
or becomes a stripper
you know
stuff catholics do
and mouse is like oh ok that makes sense

so pretty soon the cat gets hungry again
and instead of BUYING GROCERIES
with the money I have NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT IN THE FIRST PLACE
she decides to steal more fat
so she’s like uh hey mouse
my slutty sister just squirted out another baby
i gotta go watch it be named
and the mouse is like yeah yeah ok
and then when the cat comes back all fat
he’s like what was THIS one named?
and she’s like uh
Half-Gone
and mouse is like what
that is not on the list of saint’s names I am pretty sure
and cat is like no no no you’re wrong
have you never heard of Saint Half-Gone, patron saint of dumb?
really mouse, I would think you’d be more familiar

so of course the cat gets hungry again
lies about another baptism
and goes to the church to finish off the fat
then she comes home and Mouse wants to know the kid’s name
and you would think she’d have put more thought into it this time
but nope
she’s just like “All Gone”
and Mouse is like that is DEFINITELY NOT A NAME
and Cat is like aren’t you forgetting about SIR THOMAS ALLGONE
INVENTOR OF THE LIGHTBULB?
and Mouse is like that’s Edison
Thomas Edison
and he hasn’t even been born yet
and Cat is like You mean he HADN’T been born yet
that’s why I had to go baptize him, DUH
and Mouse is like okay fine

so all that has happened
and it isn’t even winter yet
wait wait wait
….
okay, now it’s winter
and predictably
since neither of these animals goes to the grocery store
they run out of food pretty quick
and mouse is like okay well it’s a good thing we bought that fat
let’s go chew on it so that you don’t chew on me
and the cat is like uh
sure!
great idea!
so they go to the church
and they find the empty fat-bowl
and the mouse
(and get ready guys
this is that great part in all the grimm’s fairytales
where the evil malefactor is gruesomely punished
and the put-upon protagonist is rewarded with gold bars and blowjobs)
gets eaten by the cat.
Um.

So the original teller of this tale
at least as the brothers Grimm have recorded it
tells us that the moral of this story
is that this is just the way of the world
but I think the moral of the story is a little subtler than that
I think the moral of the story is
don’t be roommates with a storyteller
because they think this is how the world works

the end.

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5 thoughts on “The Cat

  1. As a German I can tell you that at least this year german winter was really fucking long. Still no comparison to Canada or Minnesota or whatever.

  2. I have a friend with Austrian parents. Her idea of a good lunch is bratwurst sandwiches with mustard and pork cracklings, topped off with a pretzel roll.

    I didn’t even know people stored up pork cracklings to use on top of more pork products. I didn’t know “pork cracklings” were a thing.

    So the tub of fat checks out.

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