The Mouse, The Bird, and the Sausage

Seriously

I could just copy and paste this whole tale from Grimm’s
and you would probably think i wrote it
watch
I’ll copy over the first line:
“Once a Mouse, a Bird, and a Sausage joined forces.”
That is what this story is about
this story is about the unstoppable trio of two small woodland creatures and a hotdog

so yeah
the bird gathers the firewood
the mouse fetches water and makes the fire
and the sausage does the cooking
everyone is super pleased and it’s great
until ONE DAY the bird is out gathering wood
and one of his asshole bird friends has to show up and just fuck everything to bits
he’s like HEY BIRDFACE
LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TOTALLY GETTING THE SHORT END OF THE STICK HUH
GET IT I SAID STICK BECAUSE YOU ARE GATHERING STICKS
seriously though dude you have the shittiest job out of the three of you
all the mouse has to do is like get some water and make some fires
and making fires isn’t even work because making fires is AWESOME
and that sausage?
psh
all he does is sit by the pot for a few hours
and then towards the end he swims through the pot a couple of times to add flavor
first of all
that’s really weird that you have one of your friends swimming in your soup
second of all
it’s really weird that one of your friends is a sausage
and third of all
what were we talking about?
whatever
basically you need to stop carrying all the wood
or I am going to call you a pussnexus forever

so the bird comes home that night and he’s like ALRIGHT TWATBASKETS
THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE AROUND HERE
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY WE ARE GOING TO DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO DOES WHAT
and the mouse is like aw man come on
and the sausage doesn’t say anything because it’s a FUCKING SAUSAGE
actually wait in that case the mouse shouldn’t be able to talk either
and neither should the bird
so fuck it
nobody says anything
they all just make it known with meaningful facial expressions
and then they draw straws
and it turns out the bird is in charge of getting water and making the fire
the mouse is in charge of cooking
and the sausage has to get wood
haha sausage and wood are both euphemisms for penis

so the next day they try this stupid stupid arrangement
the sausage goes out to get wood
(haha penis)
and the bird makes the fire
and the mouse starts making some soup
but the sausage doesn’t come home and they start to get kinda worried
so the bird goes out to check on the sausage
and quickly discovers that a dog ate it
which is totally unsurprising because dogs love sausages
and the bird is like YOU BASTARD I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
(remember when i said the animals can’t talk
fuck that
they’re talking now
also they have police)
and the dog is like THAT SAUSAGE WAS CARRYING FORGED DOCUMENTS
I MADE A CITIZENS’ ARREST
WITH MY MOUTH
seriously that is part of the story
what did i tell you about copy and pasting this bullshit festival
so there’s nothing the bird can do in the face of that watertight legal defense
so he flies back home
and meanwhile
the mouse has decided that it is time to swim through the soup for flavoring
forgetting that he is in no way a sausage
and that even if he was a sausage it would still be pretty weird
and the boiling water kills him and i guess he ends up adding flavor after all

so the bird arrives home and the mouse isn’t there
and the bird is like WHERE ARE YOU YOU SILLY MOUSE
and he’s looking all over everywhere
and then the house starts burning down
and the bird is like OH SHIT GOTTA GET SOME WATER
so he goes to the well to get the water but he fucks up and drowns instead
and then the house burns down
and everyone is dead
hooray!

So the moral of the story
is don’t take advice from birds
or else your house will burn down
and you will drown while your friends are alternately boiled and eaten by dogs

the end!

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8 thoughts on “The Mouse, The Bird, and the Sausage

  1. "the mouse has decided that it is time to swim through the soup for flavoring
    forgetting that he is in no way a sausage"

    I foolishly assumed that the sausage swimming in the water was something you made up. That it isn't is quite brilliant.

    I think I have a new favorite fairy tale.

  2. I always love the random thrown together combos in fairy tales — there's one that's a coal, a bean and a straw. It also ends with death all around. They're just too ridiculous!

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  5. You sir, or ma’am, are fucking amazing at retelling stories. We read this in class and it was the weirdest. most fucked up, and boring fucked up story to ever read on the third day of school. Thank you for this.

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