The Frog Prince is So Much Weirder Than I Thought It Was

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Okay where was I

Oh yeah
PRINCESSES
HOW COULD I FORGET
so yeah there’s three princesses right
they’re all pretty blisteringly hot
but there is one princess
the youngest one actually
who is SO HOT
that she gives boners to the SUN
seriously that is part of the story that is not an embellishment
but yeah apparently there’s not much to do when you’re a princess
so the only thing this chick has to amuse herself with
is a ball made out of solid gold
that she repeatedly chucks up in the air and then catches
she doesn’t even play catch with her sisters
presumably they have their own gold balls
and they are all just chilling out in different parts of the palace
throwing balls at the ceiling
that is what you do when you are a princess
this myth makes me happy I’m broke

anyway one day youngest mcprincess is hanging out by some little pond
playing her sad sad game of solitaire catch
when she fucks up and drops the ball into the water
and this pond may be little
but it is deeper than a mineshaft full of philosophers
bitch is not getting that ball back

OR IS SHE
see she’s sitting there crying
louder and louder and LOUDER
when suddenly she hears someone be like alright fuck fine what do you want
and she turns around and BOOM THERE’S A FROG
A TALKING GODDAMN FROG
and surprisingly her first response is not to freak the fuck out
her first response is to explain the problem to him
at which point he’s like psh
grabbin’ balls is what I DO
I’ll totally get your stupid toy for you but you gotta promise me something
and the princess is like ANYTHING
YOU CAN HAVE MY CROWN OR MY BEADS OR MY DRESS OR WHATEVER
and the frog is like hm
while i would like to see you naked
i think i’m going to make you promise to be my best friend forever
like i get to eat with you
and sleep in your bed
and we will be superpals it will be so great
and the princess
who doesn’t know the meaning of friendship because she is functionally an only child
is like SURE I PROMISE

so the frog dives down to the bottom of the pond and grabs the ball
brings it back up
gives it to the princess
and then the princess is like GREAT AWESOME BYE
and runs away before the frog can stop her
not that a frog could ever actually stop a person from doing anything
but you understand what i mean

anyway she gets back home and she’s eating dinner
when suddenly someone starts knocking on the door
all like HEY PRINCESS
HEY YOUNGEST PRINCESS
IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR ME TO CALL OUT FOR YOU IF YOU HAD A FUCKING NAME
and the princess goes to the door and HOLY SHIT IT’S THE FROG
she’s like FUCK HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOCK ON THIS DOOR GO AWAY
and then she slams the door and goes back to dinner
and her dad is like who was that
and the princess is like oh it’s just some frog who can talk
and the king is like oh well that’s reasonable
but so the frog is outside like fuck
how do i get inside this castle to be with my sworn best friend
(the frog also does not understand how friendship works)
but then he’s like OH
I KNOW
I WILL BUST SOME RHYMES
YO CHECK IT OUT
A PROMISE IS A PROMISE AND YOU MADE ONE, SEE
NOW YOU BOUT TO GET SERVED LIKE A MAITRE’D
HOW BOUT SOME RESPECT NOW FOR SAVING YOUR BAUBLE
I BET THAT IT’S NOT THE ONLY BALL THAT YOU GOBBLE
and the king is like hm
some sick flows
I give them a B+
let the frog in

so the frog comes hopping in and he’s like yo princess
are you gonna stand there being a bitch all day
or are you gonna put me up on the table and let me get my grub on
and the princess is like I am kind of digging the bitch option
and the king is like I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DISRESPECTING A RHYMESMITH OF HIS CALIBER
so the frog gets put on the table and he eats a bunch of the princess’s food
and then he’s like oh man i’m pretty tired
how about we go sleep in your bed
and the princess is like EW EW FROGS IN MY BED
and the king is like I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO NOT SLEEP WITH RAPPERS
so the princess carries the frog to her room
and puts him down in the corner
and gets into bed
and the frog hops up to her bed like yo
how about a little of that bed action for me
or i could tell your dad that you have no appreciation for my delirious lyrics
and the princess is like APPRECIATE THIS
and then DASHES HIS BRAINS OUT ON THE FUCKING WALL
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED
WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG
no wait it’s okay
because instead of dying
this random burst of violence turns the frog into a FUCKING GORGEOUS PRINCE
WEREN’T YOU WONDERING WHERE ALL THE PRINCES WERE AT?
THEY WERE INSIDE THE FROG ALL ALONG
and then it turns out the prince’s whole royal entourage is on the way right now
to pick him up because he was under a curse and now it is broken
and also he marries the princess
and then his entourage shows up
lead by a dude name Iron Heinrich
that’s right
IRON HEINRICH
they saved that shit for the very end
the reason he’s called Iron Heinrich is because when his master got frogged
he became SO UPSET
that he worried his heart was ACTUALLY GOING TO EXPLODE
and when you are a motherfucker like Iron Heinrich
you can take out a small township with one well placed heart explosion
it was a serious problem
so what was his solution?
aspirin?
NO ASSHOLE
HE NAILED THREE METAL BANDS AROUND HIS HEART TO KEEP IT IN LINE
THREE
METAL
BAAAAAAAANDS
and as he’s driving the prince away from the palace
to some other palace
there’s this huge breaking sound
and the prince is like OH FUCK WAS THAT THE CARRIAGE
and Iron Heinrich is like NO
IT’S MY HEART
BREAKING THE IRON BANDS I NAILED TO IT
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
then he runs up a mountain and punches the sun right in its boner

so the moral of the story
is try to brutally murder every frog you come across
because one of them is bound to be a prince
and then you can totally cheat on him with his unbelievably manly carriage driver

THE END.

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14 thoughts on “The Frog Prince is So Much Weirder Than I Thought It Was

  1. You've got to do "The Juniper Tree"; it's got a standard-issue stepmother, cannibalism, and the strongest songbird ever.

  2. Or how about Jack the Giant Killer? It's part fairytale, part Arthurian romp and "known for violence, gore, and blood-letting," according to Wikipedia. I think they're making a movie version too…

  3. @orangeblossom, he already did a version of jack.
    anyways I wonder which bands he nailed around his heart? Metallica, megadeath, and Anthrax, maybe?

  4. I would buy and wear a shirt/poster that said:

    Deep as a mineshaft
    full of philosophers

    Though in Winter just wearing a poster can be a bad idea.

  5. I was always most freaked out by the idea of the frog eating with the princess. What did she have that he could eat? Was he a frog with teeth? Highly distubing.

  6. Aaaaaand no kisses, only mindless violence. I don't know why I'm surprised.

    REQUEST! the Tinder Box (the one with the dogs with giant eyes and kidnapping) and/or Bluebeard.

    You are awesome.

  7. If you are taking requests anytime soon, how 'bout La Llorna? That one always creeped me out as a kid (actually it still does creep me out).
    You are full of Win!
    Californianinkansas

  8. @mrskippy

    If we assume that this guy is the MAXIMUM amount of manliness then you'd best be replacing at LEAST one of those bands with Slayer, maybe all 3.

  9. C'mon, the manly dude sounds like Faithful John only minus his own story. The dude turns to stone slowly because he's too damn faithful for his own good, and no one believes him!

  10. I have a theory that Iron Heinrich and the frog prince were doin' it. I mean really, using iron bands on your heart to keep it from exploding 'cuz your master got frogged? That's way beyond platonic bromance. It also explains why the prince married the asshole princess. He needed a beard.

    Only flaw in my theory is that if I were shagging a dude as awesome as Iron Heinrich, I'd want the whole world to know, homophobia be damned. But otherwise it fits.

  11. The frog and princess remind me of Naruto and Sasuke respectively. ‘Cause Naruto’s always like: “OMFGZ SASUKE WE’RE LIKE TOTALLY BEST FRIENDS!!!!” And Sasuke is like: “… I will kill you…” Am I the only one who thinks that?

    • Except Sasuke pussies out constantly and ends up getting his arm blown off. This gal doesn’t threaten, she just straight-up murders.

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