The Holy Grail is Exciting. Galahad is Not.

Quick announcement my friends:
I am still going to post all the Arthurian myths
that have been requested thus far
but i’m not going to be taking any more arthurian requests
cuz i am working on some secret special project nonsense now
EXCITING
(I will still take requests for other shit though just to be clear)

Alright so when last we left our heroes

Percival was a retard
Lancelot was a masochist
Galahad was the chosen one
and Bors was less important than everyone else
EXCELLENT
SHALL WE CONTINUE?
YES

so Lancelot gets back to camelot
and Arthur is like whoa fuck
welcome back dude
let’s have a feast
but Sir Kay busts into the room like NOT SO FAST ASSHOLE
ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE SUPER DRUNK
YOU MADE A PLEDGE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER EAT DINNER ON SUNDAY
UNTIL YOU HAD SOME KIND OF LUDICROUS ADVENTURE
and Arthur is like oh fuck
guess we can’t eat because of my shortsighted drunken oath

but then RIGHT ON CUE
here comes some dude like hey guys
a bigass stone just appeared in the moat
AND GUESS WHAT
it has a SWORD in it
did merlin do this?
seems like his M.O.
fuck no merlin hasn’t gone anywhere near these assholes in YEARS
he’s off getting his dick sucked by pterodactyls in the prehistoric or some shit
who knows
he’s merlin
he does what he wants

anyway they all go out to see this sword
and there is a big plaque on it
like HEY ONLY THE BEST KNIGHT EVER CAN PULL ME OUT
PS IF YOU TRY TO PULL ME OUT AND FAIL
IMA STAB YOU LATER
so Arthur is like hey lancelot
you’re the best knight ever right?
go pull out this sword
and Lancelot is like fuck no
I have a REALLY ABYSMAL SELF IMAGE
also i don’t want to get stabbed
and Arthur is like shit well if Lancelot can’t do it
then no one can
hey Gawain see if you can do it
and Gawain
who has a habit of agreeing to EVERY SHITTY PROPOSITION
is like yeah sure
and he tries
and predictably fails
and arthur is like BALLS
now you’re gonna get stabbed dude

hey percival try and pull out the sword
and Percival is like DUR OK
and he ALSO fails
and arthur is like DOUBLE BALLS
ok well this counts as an adventure let’s have dinner

but no sooner do they start having dinner
then BAM Galahad shows up
and oh yeah i forgot to tell you
there’s this seat at the round table
that no one is allowed to sit at
because if you sit in it it sets you on fire
dunno why they keep it around honestly
but anyway when galahad shows up the chair is like HEY GALAHAD SIT ON ME
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU A LONG TIME BUDDY
so galahad sits right there
smack dab next to his absentee father actually
and then not only that but suddenly THE GRAIL SHOWS UP
GUYS WHY ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING FOR THIS THING IT IS JUST FOLLOWING THEM AROUND
and it gives everyone their favorite food
and then leaves
and Gawain
who of all the knights of the round table
is the dude who knows how to party the hardiest
is like DUDES
WE TOTALLY GOTTA GET THIS FUCKING GRAIL
OUR FEASTS WILL BE THE BOMB DIGGITY
and everyone is like shit yeah let’s do this
and Arthur is like no wait guys don’t leave me alone aww
well at least hang out long enough for Galahad to try drawing that sword
you know
from that stone?
and Galahad is like oh yeah i kinda know all about that shit
i actually brought a scabbard for it
no sword just a scabbard
i’m Galahad
you are going to have to get used to this kind of behavior from me
and he goes outside and takes the sword
and it is not very exciting at all
and then arthur is like shit well that was a buzzkill
HEY GUYS LET’S HAVE A TOURNAMENT
and Galahad refuses to wear a shield for some stupid reason
and then just straight handles everyone
all the way to the ground
except for Percival and Lancelot who just stay the fuck away
and Arthur is like well that was boring
alright guys I guess it’s grailtime
man i’m gonna be so lonely
PS pretty sure most of you are going to die on this quest
so uh
bye?

so then Galahad suits up and heads out
still without a shield
and pretty soon he comes across some monastery or something
and he is kind of tired
or at least his horse is tired
Galahad doesn’t get tired
he just gets progressively more perfect
anyway he goes into the monastery
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
TWO OTHER KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ARE THERE
including world champion stupid-name-haver
sir Bagdemagus
and Galahad is like hey guys what are you doing here
and Bagdemagus is like DUDE THERE IS THIS SWEET SHIELD HERE
EVERYONE WHO WEARS IT EITHER DIES OR GETS MAIMED
TOTALLY GONNA WEAR IT
so the monks show them the shield
and they are like dudes
if you are not the best knight ever
this shield is just gonna rain a whole world of pain on you
and Bagdemagus is like WELL I OBJECTIVELY KNOW
THAT I AM NOT THE BEST KNIGHT EVER
STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THIS
BUT FUCK IT I’MA WEAR IT ANYWAY
and Galahad is like ok dude i’ll just wait here
you know
for your corpse to get brought back and then i’ll take the shield
cause it’s mine
i mean duh that’s why i’m not wearing a shield
and Bagdemagus is like ARRIGHT DUDE SEE YOU IN A BIT

so Baggy-d gets like ten feet outside the monastery when a knight shows up
like HEY ASSHOLE LET’S FIGHT
as you do
and then IMMEDIATELY RUINS BAGGY’S SHIT
and is like dude that shield really clashes with your EVERYTHING
go give it to Galahad
and then Galahad is like alright well that was predictable
and Bagdemagus is like ERK DYING

CUT TO LANCELOT AND PERCIVAL
they’re just wandering through the woods
suddenly Galahad shows up
but
true to custom
no one knows who anyone else is
so they all start trying to beat the shit out of each other
except galahad doesn’t try
he just succeeds
and he hits Percival in the head real hard with his sword in the process
PROPHECY
FULFILLED
and then some hermit shows up like hey lancelot you kinda suck now huh
and then Galahad gets the fuck out of there
and Lancelot goes off to cry alone in the forest

so he’s in the forest
he passes out
some dude comes and steals his armor while he’s asleep
he goes to confession to try and convince god to give it back
and god gives it back
but then lancelot just proceeds to get unhorsed
again and again
by progressively less skilled knights
until he starts to feel REALLY shitty
guess god has a new favorite dude now?

MEANWHILE PERCIVAL
he is walking off his galahad induced concussion
when he finds a boat covered in black silk
his evil alarm should be going off at this point
but it is not
because remember
he is an idiot
so he gets on the boat and there’s a chick there
and she’s like hey Percival wanna fuck?
and Percival is like only if you get me drunk first
so she does
but then at the last second he remembers that Jesus hates sexytimes
and he crosses himself
AND THE WHOLE BOAT EXPLODES
CONVENIENT
and then the chick turns into a witch and is like DAMN YOUUUU
and flies away
at which point a WHITE boat shows up
and percival is like ok well this seems safe
and he gets on THAT boat and it sails away
guys if I were an evil witch
i would probably set myself up in a white boat
because no one seems to suspect white boats of ANYTHING
anyway then a few minutes later Sir Bors finds that same boat
as a result of his shitty god-trials
and he’s like oh shit hey percival what’s good
and Percival is like
EVERYTHING

Meanwhile Galahad is riding through the woods
winning at all things ever
seriously
this dude wins at so many things in such a short period of time
not even MALORY bothers to say what they were
and Malory fucking talks exhaustively about EVERYTHING
i mean normally Lancelot can’t even scratch his fucking balls
without Malory composing an eight page long sentence about it
but somehow Galahad manages to bore EVERYONE
WITH THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS SUCCESS
so after he does this for a while
he rolls up on a castle
and he sees a bunch of knights hanging out outside
I guess siegeing the fuck out of it?
it is not clear from the information given what they are actually doing there
anyway Galahad sees all these dudes and is like WELP
GUESS I BETTER HIT THEM WITH SWORDS
so he rides by
and he smacks some guys off their horses
and then swordslaps some asshole in the helmet REALLY HARD
and that asshole?
HE IS SIR GAWAIN
BOOM
PROPHECY
DOUBLE-FULFILLED
and then Galahad rides away before anyone can figure out what’s happening
so basically
Galahad’s main role so far
has been to show up just long enough to seriously wound his sworn comrades
then ride away as fast as he can
SPORTING AS FUCK
anyway then he finds that white boat the other dudes are on
also Percival’s sister shows up
she’s like yo percival what’s good
and Percival is like
AS I WAS JUST TELLING MY PAL BORS:
EVERYTHING

so the boat just starts magically taking them somewhere
and they land next to a castle
and some knights come out like
HEY
WELCOME TO SHITTY CASTLE
I SEE YOU HAVE A WOMAN
GONNA NEED HER BLOOD REAL QUICK
and the three knights are like aw hell no
and proceed to murder the fuck out of all the other dudes
ALL DAY
until the dudes from the castle are like ok
we get it
you are great at killing
we still need that blood though
seriously we have a chick in here that is dying
she needs virgin blood all over her face
and Percival’s sister is like fuck it whatever
and Percival is like SIS
THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU
and Percival’s sister is like dude look
it’s either this or go back home and embroider for the rest of my shitty life
this right here
this is the most metal way that I can hope to die
i’m going for it
so she does
and then probably her blood fails to heal the other chick
BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW MEDICINE WORKS
PEOPLE ARE NOT VAMPIRES

anyway then they drag Percival’s sister’s body back onto the boat
and the boat sails them to some castle where the grail is
and they staple a note to her boob for Lancelot to find later
and they go inside to check out this grail shit

MEANWHILE LANCELOT STAYS FAILING
but i guess he finally abuses himself enough
by wearing an uncomfortable shirt and repeatedly apologizing to god
that god is finally like UGH SHUT UP FINE
and the boat shows up with the dead chick in it
and Lancelot climbs aboard and finds the note
like lol we found the grail tough tits lancelot
and he’s like aw damn
maybe i can still make it in time to see the grail a little?
so the boat takes him to the same castle
and he climbs out and he goes to the door
and there are some lions but they aren’t really a problem
and he gets to the door to the hall where everyone is chilling with the grail
BUT HE CAN’T GO INSIDE
THERE IS A SWORD AND IT IS LIKE NO LANCELOT FUCK YOU
and Lancelot is like dammit sword
at least move out of the way so i can see the grail a little bit
I am trying to get a good photo for my vacation slide show
and the sword is like HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I KNOCK YOU OUT FOR A MONTH
and lancelot is like well that works too i guess
and he wakes up a month later and goes home
and makes more sex mistakes with Guenevere

MEANWHILE Bors Percival and Galahad roll out with the grail
and IMMEDIATELY get arrested by some shitty king
but it’s okay because they have the grail
which apparently has the power to turn dungeons into party city
they are in jail for years but it doesn’t even matter
and finally the king dies and he calls them all up like dudes
i am so sorry about that shit
and now i am dead
and everyone is like fuck who should be king
oh
how about GALAHAD
He’s great at everything why didn’t we think of this to begin with
so Galahad is king
but only for like ten minutes
because then Jesus and God and Joseph of Arimathea and Zeus and David Bowie show up
like hey Galahad come up to heaven
make sure to bring the grail
and Galahad is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they beam him up to heaven
and Percival is like AW BALLS
and dies of sadness in a monestary
and Bors is like well shit
better go back to Camelot and make sure my uncle isn’t making any sex mistakes
and then the kingdom is like well shit
who’s gonna be king now?
and then they probably get murdered by the Saxons
and nobody gets to see the grail ever again
ESPECIALLY not Gawain

So the moral of the story
is you can achieve the impossible
if you just believe
but honestly it isn’t worth it
because you have to like never have sex or anything
plus as soon as you achieve the impossible
your friend with leukemia is just going to grab it and ascend to heaven

THE END

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5 thoughts on “The Holy Grail is Exciting. Galahad is Not.

  1. "and Galahad is like oh yeah i kinda know all about that shit
    i actually brought a scabbard for it
    no sword just a scabbard
    i'm Galahad
    you are going to have to get used to this kind of behavior from me"

    Could not stop laughing. Brilliant post, brilliant site.

  2. “Galahad doesn’t get tired, he just gets progressively more perfect.”

    “Galahad doesn’t try, he just succeeds.”

    From now on, whenever I hear a Chuck Norris joke, I shall mentally replace “Chuck Norris” with “Galahad.” It’s funnier, awesomer, and it makes more sense.

  3. “because then Jesus and God and Joseph of Arimathea and Zeus and David Bowie show up like hey Galahad come up to heaven make sure to bring the grail”

    This is kind of sad now.

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