THE MAD BEGGAR CHOU TIEN

This comes courtesy of one of the books on my desk
and also china, I guess

So Chou Tien is a pretty normal dude
but then he turns 14
and he gets the flu so bad he goes crazy
and his family doesn’t want to catch the crazy
so they make him go live on the streets forever

Chou Tien isn’t sad about this, though, cause he’s a crazy person
he just spends all day every day telling everyone how great life is
and every time a new dude becomes president
he just walks into that dude’s office
and he’s like “hey dude
life is great
welcome to being president!”
and the presidents just LET HIM DO THIS
because ancient China predates the secret service

but Chou Tien is wrong
life sucks in china at this point in history
because the mongols are there
and they are not down with the peasants
they are so afraid of a rebellion in fact
that they don’t let anyone have any weapons
and people have to share like 1 kitchen knife per seven houses
I KNOW
IT SUCKS

but so one day this dude name Chu Yuan-chang shows up
to tell the peasants to start killing mongols
and Chou Tien comes up to him like “good times ahoy!”
and Chu is like “I LIKE YOUR STYLE, SIR
PLEASE
COME WITH ME AND BE MY MILITARY ADVISER”
and that is exactly what this crazy homeless guy does

so Chu is about to fight a battle
not with the mongols, mind you
but with another rebel leader
because he uh
he got a little sidetracked
and he’s like “Yo crazy advisor
what are my chances of winning this battle?”
And Chou Tien yanks his head out of a jug of booze
and is like “Good times ahoy!”
and Chu Yuan-chang is like “GREAT!”
and that shit gives him the confidence he needs
to go out there and win the battle
and then become president!
(You should know that when I say president
I actually mean emperor
you cannot become president just by being good at war, guys
that is silly and never happens)

So Chu Yuan-chang is president now
and he’s freaking out
because he’s like “Chou Tien helped me become president
he could destroy me just as easily!
Like … like what if…
what if he starts saying BAD TIMES AHOY?
HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT?
Oh, simple
kill him”
So he has his guards go get Chou Tien
and he’s like “Alright dude, sorry, gonna kill you”
and Chou Tien is like “Aw dude
major party foul
you can’t kill me
I’m immune to fire and water and weapons”
But of course this is exactly the kind of thing a crazy homeless guy would say
so Chu Yuan-chang just ignores him
and the way you ignore people in ancient China
is apparently to put them in a giant iron pot and cook them to death

so seven hours later Chu opens the pot
to try some of the delicious hobo soup he’s been making
except he gets surprised pretty good
cause Chou Tien is still super alive in there
NAPPIN’
And Chu is just like “okay fuck this
get thee to a nunnery”
but he doesn’t mean nunnery
he means buddhist monastery

so Chou is in the buddhist monastery
and all the monks are sposed to keep an eye on him
but a couple weeks later all the monks show up at Chu’s castle
like DUDE
we CANNOT HANDLE this rowdy hobo ANY MORE
shit is IN-TIGGITY-TOLERABLE
and Chu is like alright let me see what’s up
so he goes down to the monastery
and Chou Tien is running around doing mad kickflips and kegstands
tracking dirt all over the noble eightfold path
pissing on everyone’s nirvana
and Chu Yuan-chang suddenly realizes
that he is not going to get anywhere with this guy
and why the fuck did he even hire him in the first place
so he’s like “Hey Chou”
and Chou is like “Yeah Chu?”
And Chu is like “Name anything you want
I will give it to you in exchange for getting the fuck out of my face”
and Chou is like “WHAT A COINCIDENCE
ALL I WANT IS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE
SERIOUSLY DUDE WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TELL FANTASY FROM REALITY”
and then he goes away and lives happily ever after
and Chu Yuan-chang kills all his other advisors
because apparently Chou Tien was the only thing keeping him from going off the deep-end

so the moral of the story
is if you want to kill a crazy homeless wizard
use acid
they’re immune to everything else

THE END.

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3 thoughts on “THE MAD BEGGAR CHOU TIEN

  1. I think you’ve got a few of your Chus and Chous confused. But I’m not going to blame you for that, I nearly got them wrong just trying to write this sentence.

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