The moment you have all been waiting for

This is gonna take a while

So there is this dude Hercules
some people call him Heracles
but for some reason that reminds me of testicles
and i do not want to be thinking about balls for this whole myth
so hercules is the result of one of Zeus’s many
many
many
affairs
this one is with a chick name Alcmene
he pranked her into sleeping with him by disguising himself
AS HER HUSBAND
but this affair has a twist
because see when hercules is born
zeus steals him
and takes him up to olympus
and while his wife is asleep
he puts hercules on her tits
and he drinks her milk and becomes immortal
bam
why does zeus not do this with all of his fucking kids

anyway hera wakes up and her tits hurt and she is like
what did you do zeus
have you been honking my tits while i am asleep
AGAIN
and zeus says no i just wanted my latest bastard child to be immortal
and hera says WHAT
I AM SO ANGRY I AM GOING TO MURDER THIS KID
and she sends a whole bunch of snakes to kill hercules in his crib
keep in mind he is a baby at this point
an immortal baby
being attacked by snakes
and the snakes do not even get a chance to fail to kill him
because he strangles them to death
pretty much without even trying
and then i guess at this point Hera realizes
oh right that’s what immortal means
it means i can’t kill him
okay well i guess what i should do then
is kill everyone he loves
(this is a pretty common strategy for Hera)

so she waits until hercules grows up
and gets frustrated with his math tutor
and breaks they guy’s face off in rage
and gets kicked out of his house
and sent very far away
and gets like
a wife named Megara
and some kids
and she makes him TRIP BALLS
so that he thinks that instead of a family
his house is full of HORRIBLE BEASTS
and so he murders all of the beasts
but it is a prank
the beasts are actually his family

so hercules feels pretty bad about this
and is like holy shit hera
how long are you going to hold a fucking grudge
i touched your tits with my mouth ONE TIME
when i was like A WEEK OLD
and anyway zeus made me do it
he said it wasn’t rape if you were asleep
so come on when are you going to lay off
and hera says well i guess i will leave you alone
as soon as you perform TEN LABORS FOR THIS KING I LIKE
his name is Eurystheus by the way
also i am going to interfere with you in every way possible
so hercules says ok
and he goes to Mycenae and meets this king Eurystheus
who is a massive prick
just this huge cowardly fuck parade
who demands valuable animals from all over the goddamn world
so let’s review
tit-grabbin badass who can murder snakes with his little baby sausage fingers
thumbs down
quivering mangina with a name like a congeital penis deformity
TWO THUMBS WAYYY UP
so hercules does some labors:

first he has to go kill this lion
called the nemean lion
it is just like any other lion
except that it is invulnerable
hercules is all shooting arrows at it
and those arrows want nothing at all to do with killing that lion
so hercules says fuck it you know what
how about i just beat it to death
with my club
and he tries that but the club is like
noooo wayyyy
so plan C is
strangle the lion to death
and that is what he does
he just biceps that fucker into oblivion
and then he is like well i sure do like this hide
i want to wear it as a cape
too bad it is fucking INVINCIBLE FUR
but then he has a great idea
and he uses the lion’s own claws
to skin itself
because he did not embarass it enough by choking it to death
so then he goes back to Eurystheus
and tosses the lion head into the throne room like sup
which scares six flavors of shit out of the king
and at that point eurystheus actually is so freaked out
he orders some dudes to build him a bronze pot
partially buried in the ground
specifically for him to hide inside whenever hercules shows up
now see if I was a king
and i had the favor of hera and everything
and i was such an all-gobbling pussy that I needed to hide from a guy
who was PLEDGED TO THE GODS TO SERVE ME
i would build myself like
one of those bookcases
that swivel around like from scooby doo
not something that one of my servants might accidentally shit in
anyway that was the first labor

so then Eurystheus gets through shitting himself
and jumps out of his vase and is like hey
hercules
heres one
why don’t you go kill the hydra
it shouldn’t be too hard
its only a massive poisonous swamp dinosaur with nine heads
and hey i mean
out of those nine heads
only maybe one of them is immortal
that is like
less than ten percent of the heads
you should be fine
so hercules gets his nephew Iolaus to drive him there
and they go and find the hydra’s cave
and shoot fire at it until it comes out to eat them
so hercules grabs it by the throat
and the hydra grabs him right the fuck back
and also there is a giant crab
but that’s really not a big deal
hercules basically just crushes to death
in between yawning and scratching his ass
and then starts beating all the heads to a pulp
i mean okay picture this
hercules uses a club as his primary weapon
with this club he is managing
to REMOVE THE HYDRA’S HEADS
AT THE SHOULDERS
this is pretty impressive but it doesn’t change the fact
that every time hercules beats off a head
hehe beats off
two more grow from the stump
so this thing has like 50 goddamn heads
by the time hercules has the idea
to have his nephew set fire to the bleeding stumps
after he rips the necks off
and this actually prevents new heads from growing
so they spend like 8 hours just doing this
not very exciting at this point
because once you figure out the pattern
the end boss is really pretty fucking trivial
so they get it down to one head
and then realize oh thats right
this one is immortal
but this does not stop hercules from cutting off this head
and then burying it under a huge rock forever
basically proving that having an immortal head
and a totally mortal body
is actually worse than just being entirely mortal
then he cuts open the hydra’s body
and dips all his arrows in its blood
because the blood is incredibly poisonous
and goes back to Eurystheus
who is again hiding in his fucking chamberpot
but he gets his balls up enough
to tell hercules that killing the hydra
totally doesnt count as one of the labors
because his nephew helped out
but nobody gives a shit
because hercules killed a nine-headed immortal death-lizard
and anyway every time he flexes
like fourteen kids have epileptic siezures
from the sunlight glittering off his ripped pecs
Labor 2:
FUCKING COMPLETED

so eurystheus at this point figures out that if he asks hercules to kill anything
ANYTHING
he is going to kill it
and then he is going to bring back some part of that body
and it is going to be too big to remove from the castle
and it is going to rot
and eventually the castle is going to smell like the inside of an ass
so he is like shit
i need to think of a task that does not involve killing
and is impossible
oh i know
hey hercules go bring me the hind of Ceryneia
(its just some fucking deer that happens to live like 50 miles away)
oh by the way hercules you cant kill it
because it belongs to Diana
the goddess of hunting
and the moon
and no sex
and ripping the dicks off guys who kill her deer
have fun asshole
so hercules goes to Ceryneia
and finds this deer
and starts chasing it
and the deer starts running
and hercules keeps chasing
and the deer keeps running
FOR A FUCKING YEAR
nonstop
like hercules is snatching up little woodland animals
and apples and shit to eat
and pissing on the run
and drinking rainwater
and also the freely flowing tears of this hind
which is being forced to run nonstop for 365 days
i dont know if he did that i made that up
i dont even think deer can cry
but anyway it is the kind of thing hercules would do
so after a year
the hind gets tired
and so does hercules surprisingly
and they are chilling out on this mountain
and then the hind makes a break for a river
and for SOME REASON
this is the ONE RIVER
that will somehow magically allow the hind to escape
so hercules just goes you know what
fuck it
and shoots the deer with an arrow
not one of the poisoned ones just a regular arrow
and the deer just falls the fuck down
and hercules picks it up
and starts walking the 50 miles back to Mycenae
but then he stops walking
because right in front of him is diana
also apollo
they are like sup hercules
and hercules is like shit shit shit
hera is already pissed at me
what am i gonna do about these guys
diana is like hey there buddy
what are you doing with that deer
and hercules is like uhhhh
taking it to eurystheus in order to atone for brutally killing my family so hera won’t make me hallucinate and murder people anymore?
and diana says well i appreciate your honesty
here let me just heal the deer and then you can totally have it
this is coming from a chick
who fed a man to his own dogs
for SEEING HER NAKED
there is clearly a double standard here
in favor of men with imposing chins and washboard abs
labor 3 done apparently

so Eurystheus does some thinking
like hmm
if i tell him to kill an animal he does it
and if I tell him not to kill an animal
he also can do that
but at least with the second option
i do not have dead bodies in my house
so lets try that again
and he tells hercules to bring him this boar
living on a mountain called Erymanthus
he actually had kind of a good reason for asking hercules to do this
cause every day around lunchtime
the boar would come charging down the mountain
and just skullfuck the countryside with its tusks
running straight through houses and shit
salting the fields
deflouring the women
basically the boar is no big deal for hercules
he shows up and just pretty much yells at it a lot
and scares it so bad it runs into some snow and gets stuck and he puts it in a net
the REAL story is what he does on the way to get the boar
which is he goes and hits up his centaur homie Pholus
and they are sitting in Pholus’ tent eating dinner
and hercules is like dude let’s get wasted
and pholus is like i dunno man i only have this one jug of wine
and it is for everybody
i mean like seriously
all the centaurs
and hercules is like whatever man
and starts getting his drink on
the other centaurs smell the wine
and get understandably pissed off
and bust into the tent armed with rocks and TREES
ENTIRE FUCKING TREES
IT IS HARD TO UP THE ANTE IN THIS SITUATION
BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY ALL-IN
YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE SET THE TREES ON FIRE
so hercules sets them on fire
by throwing burning wood from the fireplace at them
and then starts going to town on them with his club
then he busts out of the tent and sees a whole bunch more angry centaurs
he responds to this in the only way he knows how
with incredibly poisonous arrows
he kills a bunch of dudes
and chases the rest for about TWENTY MILES
not exaggerating
TWENTY
meanwhile Pholus is back in camp
looking around at everyone he has known all his life
dead because his buddy wanted some free booze
and he sees this little arrow in one of the centaurs’ sides
and is like what
come on
this is a pansy-ass fucking arrow
how did this kill this guy
and he takes out the arrow
and touches it
like a dumbass
and the hydra poison kills him instantly
so hercules gets back to camp
and everybody is dead
and he’s like welp
guess they won’t be needing this wine after all
and then buries pholus
and leaves everyone else to rot and goes to get the boar
proving that the stronger you are
the drunker you can get
for free
also rules do not apply to you
murder is okay
anyway the boar freaks Eurystheus the fuck out
im telling you
it is shit city in his royal robes
it is a good thing he hides in a jar
because that jar is swimming in his waste at this point
i mean hercules just waltzes in
covered in centaur blood dragging a boar
like 4th labor: ACCOMPLISHED
what now bitch

so Eurystheus pokes his head out the top of the vase
like is the boar gone yet
you should get rid of that boar
and hercules is like shit son it just got here
you gonna have me just bring animals here
and then chuck them out the fucking window
why dont you have me do something useful
like punch a baby so hard it turns into a wizard or something
and eurystheus says i have a better idea
your main asset is your huge muscles
so how about i play to your strengths
and have you clean up after some motherfucking COWS
hercules says what did you just say
eurystheus says you heard me you schwarzenegger-looking son of a bitch
some COWS
TEN THOUSAND COWS
lets see you club your way through MOUNTAINS OF COWSHIT
yeah see i know this guy Augeus
he has a whole fuckton of cows
and he never
ever
cleans up after them
so how about you go do that
and hercules says what seriously
i could tear a cow in half like a phone book
with my balls
and you want me to do farmer bullshit
and eurystheus says fine dick
not hard enough for you?
how about you have to do it in a day
and hercules says fuck just kill me now
oh wait
immortal
totally forgot
and then he goes to these stables
he finds the king and is like hey dude i heard you have some cows
i heard these cows are covered in shit
COWSHIT to be precise
i may have the solution to your problem
but it is gonna cost you
one tenth of your herd
and Augeus is like hm well my cows are pretty fucking disgusting
but no
and hercules says how about if i do it in one day
and augeus says SOLD
so hercules just goes right out
and punches a hole in the barn wall
and then he walks through the hole
and then punches a hole in the other wall
meanwhile augeus is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT I HIRED YOU TO CLEAN THINGS
NOT PUNCH HOLES IN THOSE VERY SAME THINGS
and hercules is like chill dude
i can do both
i am MULTITASKING
and then he goes over to a river
and he just sort of turns that river 90 degrees
so that instead of going into a lake
it goes into a shit-filled cow house
river is definitely moving up in the world
so the river fills up the stable
and washes out the pounds and pounds of high quality cowshit
and leaves through the other hole
and miraculously does not drown ANY cows
at which point hercules is like haha pay up bitch
and augeus responds pay what
see i heard you were working for eurystheus
and for some reason that means i don’t have to pay you
if you dont like that you can take me to court
so hercules takes him to court
and wins
and augeus is like ok ok fine
i will pay you
IN YEARS OF BANISHMENT
GET OUT
so hercules kind of just slinks back to Mycenae
ass-tired and covered in shit
and on top of that when he gets back
eurystheus says oh by the way that didn’t count
because you got paid for doing that one
and hercules is like but he did not pay me money
he paid me in years of banishment
come on
and eurystheus says remember how i am a total ultimate dickwart
and hercules says oh yeah
well anyway labor 5 done sort of

labor 6 is just hercules has to scare away some birds
that all hang out at this lake called Stymphalos
literally he just has to chase away some fucking pigeons
except these pigeons have beaks that penetrate steel
and they are afraid of no man
which is why its a good thing that Athena shows up
and gives hercules some castanets
you know like those little clicky things you hold in your hands
when you are doing flamenco dancing or some shit
and they are made of metal
by hephaestus the god of making shit out of metal
so hercules runs screaming into the thicket waving these bullshit latin percussion implements around
and the birds fly away
mission accomplished

number 7:
you remember that sweet white bull king minos was supposed to sacrifice to poseidon?
well eurystheus does apparently
and he wants that fucker
so hercules walks on over to crete
wrestles the bull to the ground
and drags it back to mycenae before eurystheus even has time to hide in his fucking jar
eurystheus immediately releases the bull
like an asshole
and that thing just wanders around for the next few years
eating the townsfolk
probably raping more women
and siring more demon bastard offspring
great job everyone
another labor complete

the next one is a little less lame
because the thing that hercules has to bring back to mycenae
is a bunch of MAN EATING HORSES
they belong to a dude named diomedes
so hercules sails over to where diomedes lives
with a bunch of other dudes
and they all murder the guys tending the horses
and start stealing them
but then diomedes is like FUCK THATTTTT
and sends an army to kill them
and hercules looks at all his men who came with him
and is like stand back guys
i got this
you take care of the horses
and hercules is more than enough man to rape the entire army to death
also diomedes
meanwhile all his men are not enough man to handle these horses
which promptly drag them to death
and hercules gets back like hey guys i killed an army how are you doWHOA
I leave you alone for TEN MINUTES and what do you do
you get dragged to death by HORSES
jesus
so but then he takes the horses back to eurystheus
who
wait for it
LETS THEM ALL GO
BIG
FUCKING
SURPRISE
and the horses wander around for a while
until they come to MOUNT OLYMPUS
THE HOME OF THE GODS
and get eaten by wild beasts
another victory for conservationist dynamo
EURYSTHEUS OF MYCENAE
also another labor accomplished
this one is the 8th one

so by the time the next labor rolls around
it happens to be the birthday
of Eurystheus’ daughter
and eurystheus is like hm what can i get her
well i guess i could have hercules kidnap a pony
but i dont want to break my streak of needlessly releasing all the animals he brings me
oh i know
how about i have him bring back the warbelt of the queen of the amazons
it will make a fantastic accessory
for my daughter who i am pretty sure is a lesbian
so hercules is like ok
guess i have to go spend like a week
on an island
populated solely by incredibly fit women
who have probably never seen a man in their entire lives
and hm
it might get hot on that island
i better go without a shirt on
even if it does mean that my muscles will be FORCED
to glisten majestically in the dappled sunlight
and hercules’ friends are all
DUDE YOU TOTALLY CANNOT FIGHT THE AMAZONS ON YOUR OWN
CAN WE COME
please
so all these dudes sail over to the land of the amazons
and they get off the boats
and the queen of the amazons
who is named hyppolite
comes down to meet them
like sup
and hercules is like sup
and hyppolite is like what do you want
and hercules is like your belt plz
and hyppolite says well
normally i would say no
but ok
and is about to hand him the belt
when hera decides to be a huge bitch
and tell the entire amazon army
that hercules is there to carry off the queen
so the amazons come charging down the hill
with spears out
their monoboobs bouncing
(yeah the amazons always chopped off one tit
to make them better at fighting
because i guess a full delicious rack
is an impediment to vicious warfare)
and hercules is like oh shit oh shit what do we do
gotta think fast
so he stabs hyppolite in the face and takes her belt
and then he fights an epic battle with the amazons
and wins
because he just stabbed the queen in the face
so then afterwards he and the greeks all get back on the boat
without getting laid AT ALL
and go back to mycenae
and give the belt to eurystheus
who miraculously does not set it free to roam the countryside
and his daughter has the best birthday ever
and hercules only has one labor left
OR DOES HE

so now comes the tenth labor
and obviously eurystheus is thinking
well shit i only have one labor left
better make it a good one
maybe i can have hercules kill all my enemies
or punch some coal into diamonds or some shit
oh wait no
no how about
i ask him to bring me a WHOLE BUNCH OF COWS
yes
I hear this dude geryon has some cows
also he has three heads and three legs
hey hercules go get me geryon’s cattle
and hercules is like sure no problem where is geryon
and eurystheus is like oh just Libya
have fun
so hercules walks to libya
and when he gets there he is SO FUCKING PISSED OFF
he just takes a mountain
and tears it in half with HIS BARE HANDS
so hard that he creates the strait of gibraltar
and then just goes right on and starts killing people an animals in geryon’s land
including some lame generic brand cerberus
called Orthus
just some fucking 2 headed dog
anyway he just kind of murders in a straight line until he finds the cows
and then he grabs the cows and is like peace
but geryon of course finds out
and is like no you are not going to take my cows
and hercules is like what
no look im totally taking your cows
like right now
and geryon is like NOT IF I KILL YOU
so hercules kills him
and then heads home
sailing in a giant wine glass the sun gave him
because again
if you are handsome
the gods give you FABULOUS PRIZES
but there is a problem
because two sons of poseidon show up and try to steal the cows
but it is not really that much of a problem because hercules kills them
he kills them both
but then there is another problem
because one of his cows totally runs away
and swims across the ocean
and invents italy
and some king there named Eryx finds the cow
and you know what
Eryx is ALSO a son of poseidon
poseidon is basically just bathing hercules from every direction
in his congealed
corrosive
semen
so of course Eryx decides to keep the cow
and hercules is like fuck i need to get that cow
hey hephaestus hold these other cows for me for a second
and hephaestus is like actually i was gonna spend some time in the forge
you know
being the god of the forge
and hercules is like nah dude this is more important
and hephaestus gives in because he is a massive pussy
so hercules goes and finds eryx and is like
cow plz
and eryx is like make me
and hercules is like how about i fight you for them
and eryx does not realize what a bad idea it is to say yes to this
this is like trying to win a pie eating contest against the fucking bermuda triangle ok
so hercules makes a deal
if eryx wins, he gets to keep the cow
if eryx loses, he has to give back the cow
AND give up his kingdom to hercules
so he compounds his bad decision with a really shitty bet
like
best case scenario
he gets a cow
worst case scenario he gets his ribcage crushed and then hercules takes everything he loves
hercules of course wins
and is like you know what i am a little too busy to take your kingdom right now
how about i have one of my sons pick it up later
and eryx is like youre bluffing
you dont have any sons
you murdered your sons when hera made you trip balls
and hercules is like dude
i am motherfucking hercules
you think i cant make more kids
just give me the goddamn cow
so he packs all the cows back into his weird goblet boat
and starts sailing again
and is almost at Mycenae when hera is like SHIT
if he completes this labor
i might actually have to keep my word and FORGIVE HIM
for touching my tit that
ONE
FUCKING
TIME
we cant have that
ok i know what i’ll do
ill send some flies to bite the cows
so they run away
to EVERYWHERE IN EUROPE
so she does
and hercules just goes ahead and tracks down every single one of those fucking cows
and he grabs them all at once probably
and busts into mycenae like
EURYSTHEUS YOU BETTER NOT TURN THESE FUCKING COWS LOOSE
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SLURP FROM YOUR SPINE LIKE A CRAZY STRAW
and eurystheus is like fine fine
i promise i wont set them free
i’ll just SACRIFICE THEM TO HERA
BAHAHAHAHA
so he does that
and hercules is like you asshole
well at least im done with all my labors now
and eurystheus is like haha i didnt tell you?
two of those labors dont count
the hydra one cause you got help
and the stables one because im a huge asshole
so you get to do two more
BONUS LABORS
have fun
so labor ten complete
but two more labors added
so pretty much like
negative two completions
or negative one?
i dont know how math works im just telling a fucking story about muscles ok

so bonus labor 1 is pretty cool
basically hercules has to go grab some apples
they are golden apples actually
and they only grow in this one garden
and first of all no mortal knows where it is
and second of all
even if you do find it the apples are guarded
by a DRAGON with a HUNDRED HEADS
and also some nymphs called the hesperides
and the apples are called the golden apples
OF THE HESPERIDES
dude honestly i think if anyone in that garden can lay claim to those apples
it is the DRAGON
with the HUNDRED GODDAMN HEADS
not some sissy-ass nymphs
but thats the way it is i guess
so hercules comes up with a pretty good plan
which is he just starts wandering around
all over the world
hoping to just randomly run into it
and then when that inevitably fails
he goes and hits up this sea diety
nereus
and just grabs his fucking throat and is like TELL ME WHERE THE GARDEN IS
and nereus is like how about instead i turn into an OCTOPUS
and hercules is like NO
and nereus is like HOW ABOUT A FUCKING LION OR SOME GOATS
and hercules is like NO
and nereus is like HOW ABOUT A HOT CHICK
and hercules is like THAT WILL JUST MAKE ME CHOKE YOU MORE
LIKE I CHOKED MY WIFE
and nereus is like fine ill tell you
and he tells him
and then hercules keeps on going
he runs into this dude Antaeus
GUESS WHOSE SON HE IS
you got it
POSEIDON
this one is tricky because in order to crush him
hercules has to actually lift him off the ground
cause since antaeus’ dad is the god of earth and sea
touching the ground juices him up
ultimately though
hercules picks him up and smashes his ribcage like some fucking saltines
and then he keeps on truckin’
and he runs into
gasp
ANOTHER ONE OF POSEIDON’S SONS
Busiris
who actually manages to capture him
but only for like 10 minutes
because then hercules escapes
and kills him
maybe poseidon just has too many sons is the problem
and he is looking for a creative way
to get rid of some sons
and so he just tells his kids
hey guys you know what would make a great fathers day gift
murdering hercules
no matter what the problem is
the next dude hercules runs into is prometheus
now at this point prometheus has been chained to a rock
for 30 YEARS
getting his liver eaten out by eagles EVERY DAY
except when hercules shows up
he kills the eagle
just like prometheus told Io he would all those years ago
he just reaches out and snaps its neck like a wishbone
and prometheus is like holy shit
why did no one do this before
hey man thanks
wanna know how to get the apples of the hesperides
cause see
you cant go get them yourself
youll get raped by the dragon
and hercules is like sure tell me
and prometheus is like well you just have to get atlas
the dude who holds up the earth
to go get them for you
see he hates holding up the earth
and the hesperides are his kids
so you can totally get him to go
if you just hold up the earth for him for a little while
and hercules is like uh ok
and prometheus is like hey do you think you could
maybe like
release me from these chains
and hercules is like nope too busy
so he finds Atlas
who is holding up the entire world
i am not sure what he stands on though
but yeah hercules is like dude
can you tell me how to get into the garden
and atlas is like nope sorry
but actually you know what i can do
is if you would just hold the entire world for a second
i’ll go over and grab some apples for you
and hercules is like wait why dont you just put the world down
like rest it on whatever you are standing on
and atlas is like duh because it would roll
so hercules says ok and takes over holding the world
and atlas runs off to get some apples
and then he comes back with the apples
and hercules is like dude the entire world is pretty heavy
i am literally holding everything right now
i need you to appreciate that
and atlas is like oh i appreciate that alright
i appreciate it so much i am going to let you keep doing that for a while
maybe just like
FOREVER
and i will go give the apples to eurystheus
and hercules is like WHAT
DUDE
this was NOT the deal
and atlas is all IM MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL
and hercules is like fuck fine
well i didnt know i was gonna be holding the world for all eternity when i got up this morning
so i forgot to put on my special world-holding shoulderpads
and atlas is like oh shit really
well i guess i can hold the world for you while you get those on
and he does
and then hercules is like haha psyche asshole enjoy an eternity of debilitaing hell
and runs off
with the apples
but when he gets to mycenae
he finds out that
since the apples belong to the gods
eurystheus doesnt get to keep them
hercules has to immediately go and give the apples to athena
so she can take them back to the garden
so once again
no one benefits
no one is happy
and another labor is done

so now hercules is pretty cautious
before eurystheus gives him another labor hes like
hey eurystheus
that labor counted right
you arent gonna give me any weak shit
about how you didnt get to keep the apples so i have to get new ones
or like
that atlas got the apples for me so i have to do it again
because man
im seriously considering giving up on all this labor bullshit
and just going back to my old career
of strangling innocent people to death
and eurystheus is like no man its cool its cool
just do this one last labor and we are set
all i need you to do is go grab me cerberus real quick
he should not be hard to find
he is always in the same place
AT THE GATES OF THE UNDERWORLD
ok for those of you who dont know what cerberus is
cerberus is like the worst thing ever
got cloned three times
and then the clones got stapled to each other
and each of the clones has a rabid dog head
and is covered in live snakes
and instead of a tail
what does this motherfucker have
but a dragon
yes
a dragon
so this is what hercules has to just nip out and get
for eurystheus
i mean on top of this is the small detail
that no one gets to go into hades and then come back out of hades
unless you are zeus
or hades wants to sleep with you
or you are orpheus
or odysseus
or odysseus’ men
or you ask really nicely
really with every one of these myths i read
hades gets less and less intimidating
dude does not run a tight ship
which is why hercules just finds some cave in Thrace
and walks down that cave until he hits the underworld
like come ON
if I was the king of hell i would probably patch that shit up
anyway he’s not sure if he’s gonna be able to get out again
so before he goes in he gets religion
so if he is stuck there it will at least be somewhere nice
and he just struts down into hades
beating the shit out of ghosts
all the way down
til he gets to hades and persephone
and is like hey guys
can i take your massive murderdog real quick
seriously you wont even miss it
eurystheus is just gonna make me bring it back anyway
and hades is like yeah sure no problem
all you gotta do
is overpower cerberus
WITH YOUR FISTS
and hercules is like psh
dude
i rip MOUNTAINS in half
so he goes and finds cerberus
and is like hey lets do this
and puts all three of cerberus’ heads
in the ULTIMATE HEADLOCK
and does not let go
not even when cerberus’ tail
which let me remind you is a dragon
whirls around and bites him in the chest
nope he just keeps on holding on
until cerberus is like fuck
FINE
lets go to mycenae
and hercules carries the dog all the way there
and eurystheus shits himself so hard
his unborn great grandchildren shit themselves
there is just a whole brown festival
going on in his pants
and he is like SWEET FUCK
JUST TAKE THAT THING AWAY
and hercules is like well am i done with the labors
and eurystheus is like YES YES SURE YES
and hercules is like ok then
and takes cerberus right back to hades
after basically having emasculated the fuck out of the thing
and then goes on with his life
secure in the knowledge that he has killed a lot of sentient beings over the past few years
in order to atone
for killing three or four sentient beings this one time
and also for touching a nipple

so without any dudes to murder anymore
he gets bored
and he marries some chick named Deianira
and then one day they are out walking around
and they see a river
and for some reason they need to cross this river
probably because hercules does not understand
that fording a fucking RIVER is hard for some people
so he is just basically gonna wade across
and meanwhile his wife is like what the fuck do i do
and this centaur shows up like hey
hey
my name is nessus
i will carry you across safely
even though i bet your husband could do that
or at least chuck you across
anyway hop on my back
so she does
and he gets to the middle of the river
and is like oops change of plans
how about instead of taking you to the other side
i rape you
probably the centaurs were still pretty pissed off at hercules
for murdering like 80 of them
over some booze
so hercules continues his trend
of shooting centaurs with poison arrows
and hits that fucker in the heart
and they drift to shore
and before hercules can come over nessus is like
hey
hey lady
did you know that my blood is a magical elixir
that has the power
to make your husband never cheat on you ever
so here just take some of my blood real quick
and then if you ever think hercules is cheating on you
just smear some inside all his clothes
it will be great
trust me
not like i just tried to rape you or anything
and deianira is like ok sure
and takes some blood
and sure enough some time later
deianira is like hm my husband is a musclebound international hero
i bet he is probably getting some tail
other than my tail
i should use this totally legitimate elixir i found
and she smears it on hercules’ cape
and he puts it on
and is like dear god woman did you put HYDRA POISON in my CLOTHES
because you see
there was hydra poison in nessus’ blood
because there was hydra poison on hercules’ arrows
because there was hydra poison in the hydra
and hercules dipped the arrows in the hydra
just a little review cause i know this myth is pretty long
anyway hercules is in terrible pain
but he cant die
cause like
remember
hes immortal
so he is like shit shit shit
and he gets all his friends together and is like
hey guys do me a solid
set me on fire until none of me remains
and they are all like sure no problem
and then zeus takes him and turns him into a constellation
and he gets a new wife
named Hebe
who is not a fucking dumbass who poisons her husband
although to be fair
she is also the daughter of zeus and hera
so you know
little bit of incest
but you know actually i was pretty surprised to find out who her parents were
because i just did not expect
that zeus would ever have any kids with his wife
anyway hercules and hebe live happily ever after
just bangin’ and prolly having babies with like
three arms and speech impediments
and he teaches the world a valuable lesson
which is that if your parents are gods you can pretty much do anything you want
and that all problems in life can be solved by brute strength
even problems caused by brute strength
in fact especially those problems

the end

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13 thoughts on “The moment you have all been waiting for

  1. "this is like trying to win a pie eating contest against the fucking bermuda triangle ok"

    I need to work this into a conversation at least once a day. This is seriously the greatest sentence ever written.

  2. You know what? your're a good storyteller and i would comment about every story you tould in this awesome blog but because i'm lazy, i will just comment in only this story that's probaly one of the largers or so.

    Have a good day sir, an be happy cause the majority of the readers would just close the tab and you know, the comment is already as large as this story and im outta here.

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  7. Love this so much.

    For the record, Atlas didn’t hold up the Earth, he held up the sky. They just sculpted him holding up the Earth because how the heck do you physically depict someone holding the sky on his shoulders, I mean really.

    • They sculpted him holding the celestial spheres, which were Platos explanation for how the planets move without getting off track.

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