The Norse are fucking brutal

Alright so

you already know two ways the world might have been created
the mayan way and the greek way
and probably i guess you could make the argument
that you know the roman way too
because the romans are fucking copycatters
and maybe you have listened to some scientists
or some creation scientists
and you know one or two other ways
listen
I want you to forget everything you know about creation myths
because this myth
is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE WONDERMENT
and if you do not have a dick
it is going to SEW ONE ON
and then BLOW IT RIGHT THE FUCK OFF
you wanna know why?
because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME
SHIT
YEAH
so to start out the world is already pretty badass
it is just two things:
one is a sea of pure all-devouring fire
called Muspell
guarded by a dude named Surt who is just waiting
WAITING
to ride out and murder all the gods
and then set the world on fire
by comparison the other half of the world is pretty lame
it is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim
no dudes in it or anything
just a bunch of glacial bullshit
and in between muspell and niflheim
there is a bigass trench
called Ginnungagap
which is just the most fun fucking thing to say
go ahead and say that five times fast
i gotta hand it to these norse dudes
they know how to name shit
without making every other letter an X
or a ptl
wait thats not even a letter
that is like the sound a baby makes when it throws up
fucking mayans
anyway in this worthless empty hole
called ginnungagap
is where shit starts to get real
because the cold from niflheim
bumps up against the heat from Muspell
and causes a bunch of vapor to condense
in ginnungagap
to create a frost giant
in ginnungagap
dude’s name is Ymir
and actually he is more of an ogre than a giant
and he is actually more of a fucking pansy than an ogre
because what is the first thing this guy does
but go to sleep
right there
in ginnungagap
sweating like a motherfucker
he sweats so hard
that a man and a woman grow out of his armpit
and then he sweats EVEN HARDER
causing his legs to fuck each other
and have a baby
so then this cow shows up
Audhumla
and starts shooting milk everywhere
literally four rivers worth of milk
and Ymir drinks all of it
cause there’s pretty much no one else to drink it
other than his legbaby
so then the cow gets bored
and starts licking ice
because apparently this ice is salty
and all of this licking
melts away enough ice
to form the shape of a dude
or maybe it is just the dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit
ymir has mastered the art of being a neglectful father
anyway this guy’s name is Bor
he marries Bestla, the daughter of some giant
maybe the daughter of Ymir
who knows
Bor is quite a catch because he is super handsome and tall
but like
it doesn’t really matter
since i’m pretty sure Bor and Bestla
are like the only people who exist at this point
so they have three kids
Odin
Vili
and Vé
really the only one anyone gives a shit about is Odin
he is the ruler of all things essentially
and he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir
who is probably still asleep
and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered
although some versions say ymir became too evil
and had to be destroyed
but they are not really clear what that means
maybe he was just snoring REALLY LOUD
and pissing Odin off
anyway they kill him
and the resulting torrent of blood drowns all the frost giants
except for one
who escapes with his wife in a hollowed out tree
nice genocide Odin
what are you going to do next
further desecrate your grandfather’s body by tearing him apart
and using his limbs as decoration
for a universe you and your brothers are building?
yes
this is exactly what they do
i mean you gotta give them credit
they use pretty much every part of this dude
like not only do they make his blood into lakes and oceans
and his bones into mountains
and skin into earth
and his teeth into tiny rocks
but they use his skull to make the sky
here is a word to the wise guys
skulls are not meant to be used as the sky
this is such a shitty idea that they have to get some like
cheap slave labor to make it work
so they go over to Ymir’s corpse
which is pretty fucking gross at this point
crawling with maggots
and they are like hey maggots
wanna be a sentient humanoid species?
and the maggots are like sure
so they turn into dwarves
and odin is like great awesome
how about you repay us by holding up this skull we found
we wanted to make it into the sky
but see skulls are not really for that
so we need one of you to hold up each corner
we will even name you guys north south east and west
it will be awesome
and the dwarves are like fuck fine
but listen
guys
just because they have already used ymir’s skull
and skin and bones and teeth and blood
does not mean they are finished defiling his corpse
because the next thing they do
is they chuck his brains into the air
and they become CLOUDS
yes
did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor
WRONG ASSHOLE
BRAINS
BRAAAAAAAAINS
ok but then they settle down a little bit
and just make the stars out of all the sparks coming out of Muspell
and give all the land along the coast to the giants
i guess to say sorry for fucking ymir to death
and drowning most of the giants in the process
but the giants are still pissed
and Bor realizes oh shit
gotta protect myself from these giants
oh oh
i know
i’ll build myself a fort
but what will i build it out of
oh i know
EYEBROWS
YMIR’S
FUCKING
EYEBROWS
the fort he builds becomes a safe haven
for all the humans
called Midgard
oh also they drag ymir’s corpse over the gap
you know the one i’m talking about
ginnungagap
and Odin makes a place called asgard
using surpsingly few of Ymir’s body parts
and he lives there with his wife
her name is Frigg
and is apparently super-faithful to her
and fathers all the other gods
the first one he fathers is named thor
and i can already tell i am going to be talking alot about this dude
he is the son of odin and also the earth
the earth being both odin’s daughter
and his wife
oh also there is a tree at the center of the universe
called Yggdrassil
it has its roots in all the worlds
Muspell and niflheim
nflhel (which is just a fancy way of saying hell)
midgard (the eyebrow place)
jotunheim (where all the giants live)
also asgard
and this place called vanirheim
which is basically like one of the alternate universes
from like justice league unlimited
with like an evil spiderman and a cherry flavored batman or some shit
only instead of being the opposite of the asgard gods
(called the Aesir)
the Vanir in vanirheim are actually just way less depressing
than the aesir
and because of that
the two groups are CONSTANTLY at war
but eventually they make peace
and some of them actually join the aesir
which again
is just like justice league unlimited
and basically that is how the world gets made
proving once again
that your grandchildren are going to grow up and murder you
and also clouds are made of brains

The end

Share

19 thoughts on “The Norse are fucking brutal

  1. That is like the most hilarious thing I have read in my life. You ought to be doing stand-up comedy – or at least writing for it.

    I wanna see Eddie Izzard do that as a routine!!!

  2. hey thanks man

    eddie izzard and i
    see
    we are not in speaking terms
    this one time i fucked his cat
    after he specifically told me to not do that
    his cat exploded man
    in retrospect it was a bad decision

  3. Yeah, you might have rethought that one beforehand.

    He might not have minded if you had made the cat into a hat and given it to him, but – hair today, gone tomorrow.

  4. hey, y'know Grant Morrison wrote like a metric shit ton of JLA stuff off of Norse mythology, b/c he is the man and knows what's up.

  5. Pingback: There Are Not A Lot Of Things Odin Won’t Do For Secrets | Myths RETOLD

  6. Tell you what would blow my dick off, if the current generation of mind-less, lazy, hip-hop (also know as audio sewage), would learn to use punctuation. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just make a feeble attempt. What do ya say?
    And, maybe, learning how to form a sentence, a paragraph perhaps…?

    • Three of your four sentences are grammatically incorrect. The first two are run-ons and the last one isn’t English. If you’re going to preach grammar, you should learn it.

      • Hallelujah! Or wait.. That’s debunked. So Praise Odin!..? Anyways, this dude with “improper grammar and punctuation” at least writes shit that people want to read. And makes people laugh. Far more than just complaining about shit like the dude or dudette up there.

    • You are so right.. you took the words right out of my mouth even before I had the chance to type them.. The teacher says I’m a very slow typer.. I’m only 14, I take typing next year in grade 8.. But this is 2014 now.. It’s a modern year.. Schools have discarded the old word ways, that you were familiar with, in favor of “Grumelynnn’s New Grammar for a New World”.. Your familiar styles of punctuation died 23 years ago.. You should get yourself a copy of Grumelynnn’s work of literary art, and try to get yourself up with the times.. In it there are many changes to the English language.. In the glossary there are 57 more new forms of punctuation.. one of them is these “three dots” I end closing statements with.. One dot cuts off the statement immediately.. Three dots leaves time for the reader to explore and add his or her stored views and memories to the statement, making reading be a fuller experience.. just like the author here does…
      Grumelynn did real good when he invented the “three dots punctuation”.. but he’s no longer with us.. he died when the m-bike he was riding slipped on a wet rock and went sliding off down a half mile steep sheer cliff in Brazil north eastern quadrant during the national mountain bike competition.. We miss him a lot.. Do you know how much that hurts..? I mean do you really know how it feels..? I mean Really Really Really..?
      Have you seen the video on “Grumelynn’s Tumble”..? In the middle it gets real real messy.. You definitely don’t wants to be eating anything when that part comes up.. I was eating cold day old pizza when it showed, and I lost the whole thing all down my shirt in little chewed chunks and pepsi.. My boyfriend laughed and laughed till she got sick too.. Do you know how that feels to puke all down the front of your shirt..?

  7. You are definitely one of the most narrow minded fucking know it all’s I have read about in quite some time. I just couldn’t resist telling you. Get stuffed you fucking idiot.

    • Wowzers.. You sure do have a way with words, sweet young lady.. If you loved his majesty’s stuff That much, you’ll probably really get off on mine too.. In my stuff I accurately detail and mirror your personal inner workings in post #417..

      You sure do have an interesting way with words.. Maybe you should write children’s stories for Disney Corp, and bible schools.. I’d very much like to read your next chapter addition to the christinsanity bible.. But I’m just a wee bit concerned for you, from how you blend your words.. by any chance do you happen to wet the bed occasionally?.. Me thinks the handicap stores sell fairly large pullups.. You might want to check it out..
      I’m just a bouncin’ in my chair in pants-wetting excited wanton expectation of enjoying your next creative writing project dear one…

  8. Amazing, thankfully did not read this in public so no innocent bystanders were affected by my surprise snorts and raucous cackles. Thank goodness

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *