There Are Not A Lot Of Things Odin Won’t Do For Secrets

Alright guys
the format for my book is getting finalized
and unfortunately part of that finalization
means eliminating myths that are making me go over the page count
but your loss is your gain, actually
because that means that any myths I have to take out of the book
i can put up here
like for example
this one
So here’s a little story that illustrates just how different the Norse gods are
from ALL THE OTHER GODS EVERYWHERE:

So Odin, right?
He’s the Allfather
king of the gods
chopped up his giant dad and fed him to the sky.
Dude has friends in high places is what I’m saying
and all of those friends in high places
they are all WAY overshadowed by the high place that Odin is at
which is a big tower
equipped with a chair
that lets him check out ANY PERSON at ANY TIME
so if anyone is going to be omnipotent
it’s gonna be him, right?
WRONG, SUGARTITS.
THIS IS THE NORSE PANTHEON
WHERE EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS GODS SUCK ASS AND DIE.

Observe:
So Odin is a guy who likes knowledge.
He will do pretty much anything for knowledge
all the way from reading the entire encyclopedia
to this one time
when he NAILED HIMSELF TO A TREE.
YGDRASSIL, THE WORLD TREE, to be precise.
How does one even nail one’s self to a tree?
At a certain point I feel like you run out of hands to nail yourself with
although I guess Odin is the Allfather
and the least the Norse can do for their Allfather
is give him extra hands to help CRUCIFY HIMSELF WITH.

So why is he doing this?
Well apparently he is doing this in order to invent writing.
Yeah
he has to sacrifice himself
TO HIMSELF
in order for some invisible switch to flip in the universe
and unlock writing for everybody.
He has to sacrifice himself for NINE DAYS to do this
and during that time he does not eat or sleep or anything
and he only stops when the nails actually RIP THROUGH HIS BODY
and he falls down onto the ground
screaming
like you do when you’ve been nailed to a tree for nine days.
And then he knows all these runes
like the runes for increase and power and war
and most importantly
SEXUAL PROWESS.
Yep, guys
Odin stapled himself to a tree-stump for a week and a half
in order to make his dick work more efficiently.
That’s commitment.

So the moral of the story
is that you are not trying hard enough in bed.

The end.

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12 thoughts on “There Are Not A Lot Of Things Odin Won’t Do For Secrets

      • Excellent. That’s at least one birthday present sorted well in advance. And once again I am saved from having to be thoughtful by other far more talented people thinking for me!

  1. Yay for more Norse! I had honestly thought there were no more myths. By the way, I heard Loki ate a heart and gave birth to ALL monsters. Seriously though, that has to hurt… and being knocked up by a heart, really? (maybe he forgot protection…) How did it all come about?

  2. Talking about Death-Goddesses being lazy lays, Ovid, have you ever read about Maui trying to steal immortality for mankind, by going down on Hine-nui-te-pō ?.

    Her vagina ain’t got NORMAL teeth in it, like all the OTHER vaginas do, this is the thing. Plus, there is the whole thing about her even only BEING the Goddess of Night and Death, because she found out her husband was her daddy.

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