The Norse Can Never Have Enough Booze

Alright so Aegir right

he is having this HUGE PARTY
or rather
he WANTS to have a huge party
but he has one problem
and when you’re dealing with norse gods
this is a problem that is pretty easy to have
the problem
is that aegir
DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH BOOZE
okay now let’s put this in perspective
you see over the course of the average norse god party
the average norse god
consumes enough ale
to give alcohol poisoning TO A TRAIN
and not just any train
one of those carnival trains like you see painted on kids’ walls
with all the animals in them
giraffe?
DEAD
monkeys?
DEAD
elephant?
LYING IN A PUDDLE OF VOMIT
TRYING TO DRUNK DIAL HIS EX GIRLFRIEND WITH HIS MASSIVE ELEPHANT FEET
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS MY FRIENDS
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS
so obviously Aegir has kind of a problem

but fortunately Aegir also has a solution
he is like hey Thor
you’re good at taking things from people right?
and Thor is like SHIT YEAH
and Aegir is like sweet man
howsabout you head on over to Hymir’s place in Jotunheim
and get his magic cauldron
which i can use to brew NEARLY LIMITLESS ALE
and thor is like whoa shit i get to kill giants
AND I get to get trashed afterwards?
I WISH THERE WAS A WAY I COULD DO THIS TWICE AT THE SAME TIME

so Thor hits up his buddy Tyr
who happens to also be Hymir’s son
and the two of them set out to get them some cauldron
so first they run into Tyr’s mom
who is just this 900 headed amalgamation of butt-ugly
Thor is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and Tyr is like hey mom
think we can borrow dad’s cauldron to go get shitfaced
and Tyr’s mom is like SOUNDS GOOD TO ME BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO ASK MY HUSBAND

so they go ask Hymir
and Hymir is like FIRST EAT FOOD WITH ME
and thor basically dicks everyone out of a meal
by just straight up devouring TWO OXEN AT ONCE
So Hymir is like shit son
if you’re gonna keep eating my food
we are going to have to get more food
i guess we’re going whaling tomorrow

SO THEY GO WHALING
But that is apparently not hardcore enough for thor
because before they leave
he straight rips the head off Hymir’s best ox
basically just being a dick for little to no reason
and then while Hymir is busy catching two whales
Thor does one better
and catches THE FUCKING MIDGARD SERPENT
he drags that fucker up to the surface
and it pulls him down so hard
his feet bust through the floor of the boat
HYMIR’S BOAT, mind you
and he is just standing on the seafloor
beating the serpent with his hammer
pretty much playing the manliest game of tug of war EVER

but Hymir gets the bajeezus scared out of him by this serpent
and he is like FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
and he cuts thor’s fishing line
and the serpent gets away
and thor is like DAMMIT ASSHOLE
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF SOME KIND OF GRUESOME DEATH OR SOME SHIT
WELL THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET HIT BY HAMMERS
and thor hits him with his hammer
and Hymir falls out of the boat
then thor drags him and his whales and the boat back to Hymir’s castle
like dude can I have your cauldron yet
come on i’m trying to get drunk here

so Hymir realizes he is just being emasculated at a pretty astonishing rate
so he is like ALRIGHT FINE
BUT YOU GOTTA PASS A TEST FIRST
BREAK THIS CRYSTAL GOBLET
so thor is like shit dude
no problem
breaking things is like
what i do
and he takes that goblet
and chucks it at a stone pillar
but the PILLAR busts open instead
no explanation is ever given for this
you would think it was an enchanted glass or something huh
but it’s not
because the next thing thor does is he throws the glass at Hymir’s FACE
and it breaks
and Hymir is like OWW DAMMIT WHATEVER DUDE
JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
JUST
GET OUT
YOU ATE ALL MY FOOD
YOU KILLED MY BEST OXEN
YOU RUINED MY BOAT
AND I THINK YOU JUST BROKE MY FACE
TAKE THE FUCKING CAULDRON I DONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE
so thor takes the cauldron
which is a mile deep by the way
he just picks it up on his head and carries it home
and the gods spend the rest of the night inventing new levels of drunk

so the moral of the story is
if you are trying to have a sweet party
but you don’t have enough booze
just beat the shit out of your friend’s dad
he’s prolly over 21 he can hook you up

the end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

14 thoughts on “The Norse Can Never Have Enough Booze

  1. ok i am currently getting weird looks from people by trying to suppress my laughter. (i’m currently on a train) fuck man this is some funny shit right here!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>