The Pied Piper is the Reason You Always Pay Your Contractors

Yo:
Silmarillion Wednesday
today, fairytales
i am trying to establish a pattern here guys how’s it working

OKAY SO TODAY
I’m going to tell you a tale I can’t believe i haven’t told you yet
it was suggested to me by self-proclaimed erotic queen, Elizabeth Sexx
and it is about proper labor practices

okay so there’s this village called Hamelin
it is in germany
and rats travel there from all around
probably because it’s got ham RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME
but it’s okay
because the cats pretty much have that shit on lock.

UNTIL THEY DON’T
yeah suddenly the rat population just SEXTUPLES
probably because of sex-tupples
which is a term i just made up
but I’m like a thousand percent sure you already know what it means.
anyway all the cats DIE
and all the food DIES
i mean gets eaten
and then the rats are out of food to eat
so they just start eating anything that is not either tied down or on fire
and then they eat the tied down and on fire things too
pretty much the only things they don’t eat are bullets and swords
which would be kinda ideal
if bullets and swords did anything against “a black sea of rats”

wow.
so the whole town goes down to city hall
and they’re like dude, mayor, fix this shit
and the mayor is like what do you want me to do
bullets and swords don’t work
all our cats have died of terror/shame
we don’t have enough food left to poison
things are NOT LOOKING GOOD MY FRIENDS

but then
this dude throws open the door of town hall
scattering like a hundred rats
and then like a thousand rats are dislodged from the ceiling
it is like a big rat party
with a rat pinata full of rat confetti and more rats
and the mayor is like WHO INVITED YOU TO THE RAT PARTY
and the stranger is like I INVITED MYSELF
I AM THE PIED PIPER, AND CRASHING RAD PARTIES IS WHAT I DO
and the mayor is like NO DUDE YOU MISHEARD ME
I SAID RAT PARTY NOT RAD PARTY
and the pied piper is like OH
WELL IN THAT CASE I HAVE A FEE FOR EJECTING THE RATS FROM YOUR PARTY:
A THOUSAND BUCKS
and the mayor is like dude
a THOUSAND?
I will give you fifty thousands of bucks
just get all these fucking rats out the village
and the piper is like DEAL

so everyone goes to bed in their seething beds of rats
and early in the morning
the pied piper runs through the village, soloing on his pipes
and all the rats are like HOLY SHIT
WHAT A RAT SOLO
I MEAN RAD*
and they all swarm out from everywhere to stage rush the piper
who leads them all out of town
and into a river
where they all drown.
BOOM.

okay, so awesome
the rats are gone, and the piper gets $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
right?
WRONG
because the mayor takes this opportunity to execute the time-tested strategy of kings everywhere
NOT
PAYIN
FOR SHIT
seriously why are kings such cheap assholes??
anyway the pied piper is like ok bro you are going to regret that
and he leaves
and everyone is like oh fuck dude what did you do
and the mayor is like uh
I just got rid of all our rats
FOR FUCKING FREE
what does it look like?
and they’re like it looks like you pissed off someone who is probably a wizard
FOR FUCKING FREE
and the mayor is like yeah well everyone has an opinion

so that night
while everyone is sleeping
the pied piper rolls back through town
(by the by
why the fuck is he the “pied” piper?
I don’t see him passing out any pies
or getting into any fights with clowns
or even being slightly delicious
dude plays tunes for rats
he needs to fix his damn name
although who wants to be groupies for The Rat Piper I guess)
anyway he’s rolling through town
playing his tunes
and everyone is so relived cause of no more rats
that they don’t notice when their children all turn into zombies and sneak out the house
to follow these sick tunes
and the piper leads all the children out of town
through a door he opens up in a mountain
and then he closes it behind all of them
and the only one who escapes is a little gimpy kid
because he was too slow to get inside before the door closed
so he tells everyone and everyone is sad
but hey, no more rats!
and at least it was free, right?
right?

Okay so the moral of the story
is break your children’s legs
all the legs
it will help keep them from being kidnapped by wizards

the end

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9 thoughts on “The Pied Piper is the Reason You Always Pay Your Contractors

  1. Thanks for doing this one. It’s always been one of my favourites, mostly because it’s creepy as all hell.

    Also, with regards to sex-tuppling: “tupping” is actually a slang term for fucking.

  2. I’m pretty sure he’s ‘pied’ as in ‘pie-bald’ — he’s usually depicted wearing crazy multi-colored clothing.

    Love this story!

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