The Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a Rousing Tale of Violence and Pals

Hoo boy
finally got around to cracking open this gargantuan volume
lent to me by none other than world-renowned MC “Slick” Nick Gold-dick
(his dick is actually made of gold, guys)
So I’m just gonna tell you what happens at the beginning of this thing:

Alright so
BACK IN THE DAY
there is this dynasty in China
called the Han dynasty
and it’s doing great
but then it stops doing great
wanna know why?
EUNUCHS
that’s why.
Yeah
these no-ball-having motherfuckers are all up in the king’s ears
telling him to do dumb shit
like uh
well
like chopping off people’s balls and then making them your advisors I guess
and meanwhile, all these fucked up omens are going on
like one day a SNAKES start falling out of the ceiling in the castle
and also there are tornadoes
and black vapor flying into the throne room
and pestilences
and rainbows?
yep
and some sage dude figures out that this is all because of the eunuchs
but the eunuchs are TOO POWERFUL so that have that dude put under house arrest
and then they become SO POWERFUL
that the king literally starts calling them “Daddie”
GREAT

BUT MEANWHILE
out in the country there is this dude named Chang Chio
he’s an angst-ridden med student who is wandering around in the woods one day
when BAM
ANCIENT SAGE ALL UP IN HERE
and the sage is like COME INTO MY CAVE SON
YOU HAVE JUST WON THREE COPIES OF THE BOOK OF HEAVEN
and Chang Chio is like oh shit, what does that do?
and the Sage is like IT GIVES YOU POWERS, SON
POOF
and he disappears
and all of a sudden Chang Chio is a FUCKING WIZARD

So Chang Chio makes a lot of friends real fast
because the fastest way to make friends is to be a fucking wizard
and then he’s like whoa
wait a second
I’ve got all these friends I’m not using
how about I have them TAKE OVER THE EMPIRE FOR ME
so he makes everybody put on yellow turbans for some reason
and then they go to war

But here is the problem with war, my friends:
war is a thing that is fought between maybe like ten or twenty powerful dudes
using about a million really poor and desperate dudes
and along the way, setting fire to all those poor desperate dudes’ houses, families, and livestock
so word gets around that there’s about to be a war on
and that the war is scheduled to steamroll right through the Yuchow Prefecture
and so the Prefect of Yuchow is like “oh damn”
“I like having a home.”
“maybe we should defend ourselves.”
so he has the great idea of putting up signs all over town like “WANTED:
AN ARMY.”
like that’s gonna work

But here’s the thing:
IT TOTALLY WORKS
because this one dude happens to see the sign
and his name
is LIU PEI
and if you don’t think this dude is the real deal
let me describe him to you as he is described in the book:
Okay, so he’s real tall first off
and also he has really long ears, like touching his shoulders
and his hands hang down below his knees
and his eyes are bugged way out so he can see BACKWARDS
PAST HIS REALLY LONG EARS
of COURSE this dude is a hero
when you look like that, it’s either war hero or the FUCKING CIRCUS
and he’s looking at this want ad, and sighing SO HARD
that he attracts the attention of ANOTHER crazyass soon-to-be war hero
this bald freak named Chang Fei
and Chang Fei is like DUDE
FINALLY SOMEONE WITH EYES AS HUGE AS MY OWN HUGE EYES
LET’S START AN ARMY
and Liu Bei is like DID YOU SAY “LET’S GO GET DRUNK?”
and Chang Fei is like CLOSE ENOUGH

so they go to the club
and they are getting tipsy
when all of a sudden this HUGE dude with EVEN BIGGER EYEBROWS rolls in
and he’s like SERVE ME UP SOME DRANK ON THE DOUBLE
I AM ON MY WAY TO JOIN THE ARMY
and then Liu Bei and Chang Fei remember what they were supposed to be doing
and they’re like DUDE
how would you like to join OUR ARMY
RIGHT NOW
and this dude
who’s name is Guan Yu
is like YESSSSSSSS

so the three of them swear to be bros forever
and they slaughter some oxes to prove they’re serious
and then they lure a bunch of townspeople into the army by having a fat feast
and they get these SICK weapons
like Liu Bei gets a double-edged sword
and Guan Yu gets this curved blade that weighs about a million pounds
and Chang Fei gets a spear

So the yellow turban dudes show up pretty soon
and these three dudes and their 500 other dudes stomp the shit out of them
obviously
because they’re the protagonists
I mean, I could get into how they do it
but that part is pretty boring, honestly.
I’m sure you can imagine a way better version of all these battles
replete with flying bears and a dismemberment machine
although to be fair, that’s basically what Guan Yu is.
Anyway, instead of going home, these dudes CONTINUE GOING TO WAR.
They go to war AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
but by the time they get to war
the battle is already over
it was already solved by the imperial troops
who basically just set all of the yellow emperor’s guys on fire
and then this guy named T’sao T’sao showed up commanding imperial troops
and there’s this brief aside about what a perfect asshole he is
and how some sage basically said that one time
and he was raised by eunuchs
which is like being raised by wolves
except the wolves are people and they have no balls
but ANYWAY
then Liu Bei and Co show up to ANOTHER battle and they basically win it singlehandedly
and the dudes they saved are like WHO ARE YOUR OFFICERS
and they’re like UH
WE DON’T HAVE THOSE?
and the dudes are like oh well let us just dish out some MAD DISRESPECT to you then
and Guan Yu is ready to decapitate everybody
because that is what he do
but then Liu Bei is like dude

Chill out.

and that is only the BEGINNING of the story
but SO FAR
it seems like the moral of the story is
if you don’t like how shit is going down in your neighborhood
start an army
i mean, it seems pretty easy
just have a barbecue and give swords to whoever shows up.

NOT the end

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8 thoughts on “The Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a Rousing Tale of Violence and Pals

  1. YES. I’m eating pho and reading this and getting so hopped up on sri racha that i will believe anything you say.

  2. Amusingly…. kinda totally what happens. Especially Guan You being a dismemberment machine. You should do the story of him and those six gate thingies

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