The Tuatha De Know How to Fight a Fucking War

I took that fucking banner ad of the top of the page
cuz it made it look like someone was shitting directly into my website
and i felt like a whore
but it’s okay
because towering obelisk of masculinity Guns “Huge Dick” Fistheart
has made me into a much classier kind of whore by commissioning this tale of violence
(oh also if anyone who reads this shit goes to either SDSU
or SAIC
let me know which school i should go to)

Okay so there’s these dudes called the Tuatha De
and they spend a lot of time on some islands around Ireland
learning all the magic and getting all the cool shit
like some spear and a bigass foodpot
and whatever other kind of mystical nonsense people used to fill their houses with
before televisions and parking tickets and toddlers
anyway they get their shit set up pretty legit-like
and they just show up in Ireland and fucking murder everyone and take over
but in the process their chillest dude
whose name is Nuadu
gets his hand cut off
I mean it’s okay though
actually BETTER than ok
because they have some medical wizard named Dian Cecht
who just makes him a brand new hand out of FUCKING SILVER
and it works like a real live robot hand
totally ripping off Army of Darkness but that’s ok
but then Dian Cecht’s son doesn’t think a sweet robot hand is good enough
and starts trying to heal Nuadu’s old hand
and so his dad is like FUCK YOU SON
and hits him in the head with a sword
and his son heals himself
so Dian Cecht hits him HARDER
and this KEEPS HAPPENING
until finally his son is dead
and a bunch of herbs grow on his grave
but Dian Cecht mixes them all up so no one knows what the fuck any of them do
DIAN CECHT IS THE MOST SPITEFUL FUCKING DOCTOR I HAVE EVER HEARD OF

but so apparently getting one of your hands chopped off
makes you ineligible to be king
even if you have a totally sweet robo hand to replace your missing hand with
so they’re like fuck
Nuadu can’t be king
what do we do
oh i know
let’s just get this stupidass pretty-boy son of the king of a rival nation
to be our king
this could not possibly be disastrous
this kid’s name is Bres
which is just one or two or three letters from being Breasts
and let me tell you
that is the only good thing about this guy

BUT HOLD ON LEMME EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT BORN CAUSE IT’S PRETTY FUNNY
basically the chick who would one day become his mom is sitting in her castle
and she looks out at the ocean and she sees a ship or something
only then she looks closer and it is actually just some DUDE
coming across the water like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
totally blinged right the fuck out
and he charges right up to this chick and she is like what do you want
and he is like TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
and then they bang
and he gives her a ring
i guess as payment?
and then he leaves and she has this kid
and that dude is the king of the Fomoire
which is that rival kingdom that is gonna cause all the problems in this story

so anyway Bres becomes king
and he is a shitty king
no one likes him and he sucks real bad

BUT HOLD ON
LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER DUDE DAGDA REAL QUICK
BECAUSE THIS TALE I AM TELLING IS RIDDLED WITH FUCKING TANGENTS
okay so basically Dagda is some righteous badass who works for Bres initially
and he works with some shitty hack writer who has a mouth in the middle of his chest
and every day that asshole is like HEY DAGDA GIMME YOUR THREE BEST PIECES OF FOOD
and Dagda is basically starving to death because
LIKE AN IDIOT
he keeps giving the dude his food
so finally some other dude comes up to him and is like dude
just fucking put some gold coins in your food
and then that will be the best food
and then that asshole will choke on the coins and die
and for some reason that makes murder legal
AND IT WORKS
AND ACTUALLY DAGDA EVEN GETS A PRETTY SWEET COW OUT OF THE DEAL
ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY

so all the Tuatha De motherfuckers finally go to Bres and they’re like dude
you’re a shitty king
you’re basically starving the fuck out of us
and like
generally being a twat
how about step the fuck off the throne
and Bres is like ok that’s fair
but can i be king for seven more years first?
and the dudes are like sure whatever we’re not in any hurry

EXCEPT THE PROBLEM IS
BRES INTENDS TO USE THESE SEVEN YEARS TO GATHER A HUGE FUCKING ARMY
SO HE CAN KEEP BEING KING INDEFINITELY
so he goes to his mom and he’s like mom
when dad charged across the ocean to fuck the shit out of you all those years ago
which direction did he come from
and his mom is like THAT WAY
so Bres goes and hits up the kingdom of the Fomoires
and he’s like hey dad i got kicked out of that kingdom i was king of
and his dad is like what do you want me to do about it
and Bres is like lemme use your army to take it back
and his dad is like dude if you can’t fucking rule the kingdom then why should i
but honestly I’ve got nothing better to do so sure
here’s a bunch of champions
please be as irresponsible as possible

so meanwhile the Tuatha De back in Ireland are like FUUUUUUCK
why did we let this little shit be king for seven more years
that was seriously poor foresight on our part
but it’s cool because suddenly some hero shows up at their castle
(by the way Nuadu gets to be king now finally
I guess because after years of really shitty corrupt rulership
suddenly having a sweet-ass cyborg president doesn’t seem so bad
and yeah i know he’s a king not a president
but say cyborg president to yourself a few times out loud
and i think you will agree
it is a mega sweet thing to say)
anyway this hero is called Lug
I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be Lugh the long-handed
but i am frankly too lazy to check
regardless he is a pretty legit individual
because see he shows up at the gate
and the gatekeeper is like YOU CAN’T COME IN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROFESSION
and Lug is like well i’m a builder
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BUILDER
so Lug is like I’M A BLACKSMITH
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BLACKSMITH
and Lug is like CARPENTER
and the gatekeeper is like WE GOT ONE
CHAMPION
WE GOT ONE
WARRIOR
WE GOT ONE
SORCEROR
WE GOT ONE
DOCTOR?
WE GOT ONE AND HE IS INCREDIBLY SPITEFUL
and Lug is like ok fine
but do you have a dude who is ALL OF THESE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the gatekeeper is like fuck i guess not
come in
and then Lug comes in and Nuadu is like fuck
dude you have so many professions
i think you should be king instead of me
so now suddenly Lug is king

so then they gather a whole bunch of druids and shit together
to talk about how they are going to deal with Bres’s jackassery
and they spend like THREE YEARS talking about this
and finally they are like ok here’s what we’re going to do:
we are going to use magic to completely fuck them over
like they won’t be able to find water and shit
it’s gonna be great
not sure why it took us three years to come up with USE MAGIC TO WIN
but it did and we aren’t getting that time back so we might as well deal with it

MEANWHILE DAGDA IS OFF DOING WEIRD FOOD SHIT AGAIN
see they send him to go say what’s up to the Fomoires
and on the way he plays hide the sausage with the Morrigan up on top of some mountain
where she is bathing
honestly the Morrigan sounds super hot
but i would not want to bang her
because like my grandfather always used to say
never stick your dick in crazy
anyway Dagda goes to the Fomoires and he’s like hey dudes
lemme just chill with you for a bit and maybe don’t kill me?
and they’re like sure
but you have to eat a massive pot of your FAVORITE FOOD
(porridge)
we are going to make it all and then pour it in a ditch
and if you don’t eat all of it we will kill you
and so Dagda busts out his special porridge ladel
which is like as big as my nuts
which are huge
and he eats ALL OF THAT FUCKING PORRIDGE
and then passes out on the ground
and everyone laughs at him and uploads a bunch of compromising photos to facebook
and then he wakes up and he’s like fuck this i’m going home
but he looks like a fucking idiot because his belly is sticking out of his shirt
and so is his ass
but in the other direction
and his massive dong is dragging on the ground
I’m not making this up this is how the story goes
anyway suddenly some chick ambushes him and beats the shit out of him
literally she beats the shit out of him
like she manhandles him so hard he shits himself
and he is lying in a pool o’ poop and he is like what the fuck
i really want to bang you but i am impotent because of how much food i just ate
and she is like NO TIME FOR THAT
CARRY ME HOME ON YOUR BACK FOR SOME REASON
and he is like ok just lemme finish shitting
and then he does and she gets on his back
and she makes a mistake and her pubes start poking out
which just instantly leads to her and Dagda having sex
and then she’s like hey Dagda
you know that war you’re about to fight in
don’t do it
I will turn into rocks and trees and shit to prevent you from doing it
and Dagda is like bitch don’t tell me to not fight wars
i am going to make a point of ruining every rock and tree i come across now
in case one of them is you
WHAT A LOVELY ANECDOTE

so meanwhile war is about to happen
and Lug is being the battle commander dude
and he is asking everyone how they plan to win the battle
and basically the answer is
WE ARE GOING TO USE A BUNCH OF REALLY UNFAIR MAGIC
like seriously after I was done reading all the fucking magic they planned to do
i was like why not just end the story here
i mean how is Formoire supposed to win when fire is raining from the sky
and they can’t find water
and the ground is turning into zombies
and no one they kill even fucking dies?
that’s BLATANTLY UNFAIR
WHAT THE FUCK TUATHA DE
WAY TO RUIN THE SUSPENSE

but anyway yeah the battle starts
and Nuadu doesn’t want Lug to go into battle
because Lug has WAY TOO MANY TALENTS
but Lug is like fuck that and goes battling anyway
and meanwhile spiteful asshole extraoidinaire Dian Cecht and his medical wizard pals
are chucking wounded dudes into this big well they found
and healing all of them
and also the blacksmith and the carpenter and stuff are making like
a million spears a minute
so Formoire sends a spy to go into the Tuatha De camp
and ask their super expert blacksmith for a spear
and then use the spear to kill the blacksmith
but then they just chuck the blacksmith in the well and he gets healed
so then Formoire decides to just fill up the well with rocks
and for some reason they are totally successful in doing this
AND THEN THE REAL BATTLE BEGINS

so everyone is murdering each other SO HARD
like seriously a benny hill style massacre
dudes all slipping in profusions of blood
cartoon sound effects as motherfuckers rip each others hearts out with their teeth
it’s very heartwarming
but the Formoires have a secret weapon
which is this dude Balor
whose eyeball fell into a vat of evil contact lens fumes and turned into medusa
and in order to open it he has to lift this bigass gold ring
he’s a giant by the way i think
or at least he has a giant eye
maybe he just has like a wheelbarrow for his distended eye
that would be cool/horrible
but anyway right as he’s about to unleash his wretched eyebeams
Lug rolls up and just chucks a spear at him so hard
it catapults his eyeball out the back of his head
and paralyzes Balor’s entire army instead
at which point there’s some poet on Balor’s side who is just like OK OK
WHO KILLED BALOR
and Lug is like ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S WHO
and the poet is like ALRIGHT
WELL
LET’S YELL BATTLE STATISTICS AT EACH OTHER
and Lug is like OK COOL
so they start yelling about how many people were killed
but not in a straightforward way
they do it with COMPLICATED ARITHMETICAL EQUATIONS
WHICH I WAS TOO TIRED TO CALCULATE
SO HERE’S HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED ACCORDING TO THIS FUCKING LEGEND:
3+ 3 x 20 + 50 x 100 + 20 x 100 + 3 x 50 + 9 x 5 + 4 x 20 x 1000 + 8 + 8 x 20 + 7
+ 4 x 20 + 6 + 4 x 20 + 5 + 8 x 20 + 2 + 40 noblemen
PLUS
7 + 7 x 20 x 20 x 100 x 100 + 90 POOR PEOPLE NO ONE CARES ABOUT
WHO COUNTS CASUALTIES THIS WAY?
THE FUCKING MATHEMAGICIAN
THAT’S WHO
AND I DON’T THINK HE EXISTED IN ANCIENT IRELAND
THEY HAD WAY BETTER WIZARDS
LIKE THE WIZARDS THAT SET YOU ON FIRE
AND THE WIZARDS THAT TURN YOU INTO A CYBORG AND THEN DECAPITATE THEIR SONS

anyway yeah then the morrigan shows up for the fleshreaping
and she starts going on and on about how the future is really fucking bleak
and then i guess everyone kind of gets bored of listening to her talk
and wanders away
because that’s where the story ends
so that’s a great note to end on

so I guess the moral of the story
is fuck bitches
get wizards

THE END

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17 thoughts on “The Tuatha De Know How to Fight a Fucking War

  1. As far as I'm aware, Morrigan was completely red with her mouth on one side of her face. But hey. Rule Thirty-six, amirite? …no?
    Also, the Tuatha Dé Danann are bizarre. Their whole lives seem to consist of dancing, one night stands and fighting.

  2. @irishchangeling dude she's morrigan she can turn into whatever she wants. like when she wants to bang cuchulainn she turns into a hot redheaded chick. I mean in her natural state she is like THREE WOMEN so that is like ORGY IN A FUCKING BOTTLE RIGHT THERE

    @anonymous that sounds wrong

  3. Maybe I'm naive, but are there a lot of people who'd screw the matron and hag aspects of Morrigan? Considering they like to take the form of crows and go around being all bad omeny.

  4. Anon's math is right. Don't forget order of operations: you have to do all the multiplications and then add up all the totals.

  5. Erm….. I hate to point it out, Dan, but Nuada, a legendary Deity figure of Ancient Irish Celt Lore-history-myth is hardly going to be a Rip Off of a 20th century fantasy character. Especially considering the millennial span that separates the two entities.

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