The Valar Fight Fire With Fire

Alright guys I’m still alive
barely
and here is a story about hurling fruit into outer space

so the story of Feanor is making me too sad and furious
let’s not talk about that guy for a while
let’s talk about the Valar and their problems
see, Feanor told everyone the Valar were being emo little bitches up on their mountain
just moping and not doing shit about the unending mystical bowel movement Melkor is perpetrating on the world
but that’s not entirely true
yes they are moping
yes they are on a mountain
but what feanor is forgetting is that these are dudes who wear flesh like a suit
they don’t need to be doing stuff with their bodies
they straight do shit with their MINDS

so what they do is
do you remember those trees Melkor burned down?
the ones with lights all up ins?
well they garden those trees SUPER HARD
and they get exactly one more fruit from each tree
and then both the trees die
and they leave them where they are so they can be sure never to forget to mope
but now they have these two weird radiant fruits
and they’re like what do we do with all this fruit
it is probably radioactive or something
and it is like wayyy too valuable/radioactive to eat
and if we don’t do anything it’s probably going to rot or give us cancer or something
OH
HEY
LET’S MAKE IT INTO PLANETS

so that’s what they do
they make the gold fruit into the sun
and the silver fruit into the moon
yes all these things have special names
but guys
I am just barely hanging on as it is
do not ask me to string fake elfy syllables together on top of everything

the problem though is that these people are not magic enough
they can grow weird atomic cantaloupes
and they can preserve them forever in the sky
but they can’t for the life of them make those fuckers drive themselves
so someone has to go pilot each of these things forever.
They get this chick Arien to drive the sun
because she’s a fire spirit anyway and her eyes are fire and she’s made of fire
and they get this dude Tilion to drive the moon
because … he really likes silver
i mean he REALLY likes silver
this dude is pretty much just like
an objectively worse dwarf
who is responsible for night time
seriously he’s terrible

let me tell you why he is terrible:
they try to give this guy some very simple instructions
like
do not get too close to the sun
she is a fire spirit and her eyes are fire and she is made of fire
and Tilion is like OOH SHINY
and just drives his moon-boat straight up Arien’s radiant ass
which singes the moon hardcore
which is why that thing is so dark
so then they make a rule
which is like okay
only one of you can be out at a time
when you’re done for the day you get to rest underneath the horizon for a bit
and then you have to take the subway to the other side of the world
so you can rise again tomorrow
and Arien is fine with this
it is not a very hard thing to do
but Tilion cannot fucking figure it out
he’s like wait
do you mean you want me to take turns with Arien
or like
fly all over the place at random and show up fuckin whenever
and then like sometimes fly in front of the sun and black shit out
and sometimes just not show up at all
and everyone is like uhh
the first option, please
and Tilion is like OPTION TWO IT IS

so that’s why the moon basically sucks ass
obviously melkor is not happy about this whole light thing
because i guess before this everything was just pitch black?
and that’s why all the crimes have been happening?
Melkor even goes so far as to send an army to the moon to fuck shit up
but Tilion is not a worthless asshole for once in his life and he keeps shit safe
and that’s good
because dudes are going to be showing up soon
and the Valar are trying to clean everything up because the place is a MESS and that is EMBARASSING

so the moral of the story
is do not hire someone to drive a thing around for you
just because they have an unhealthy obsession with the type of thing you want them to drive
that is not a job qualification
that is a fetish

THE END

RedditStumbleUponShare

One thought on “The Valar Fight Fire With Fire

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>