Thyestes is one Massive Asshole Parade

ok so get ready to laugh your ass off

there is this guy Thyestes right
he has a brother named Atreus
one day they get together like hey
let’s murder out half-brother Chrysippus
in order to try and become joint kings of this kingdom we live in
OH WHOOPS IT BACKFIRED LOOKS LIKE WE’RE EXILED

so they haul ass over to mycenae
where word of their dickery has yet to spread
and the king there
eurystheus
(remember him?
he’s the guy who shoved his fist
up hercules’ ass
for like 13 years
)
is like hey guys
I have to go fight all the children
of the guy who i laughingly fisted for 13 years
wanna take over the throne while i’m gone?
you guys seem trustworthy enough
and Thyestes and Atreus are like SHIT YEAH BITCHESSS
and eurystheus is like alright awesome i trust you guys totally
cya later
and then gets promptly murdered
because he is trying to one-man ALL OF HERCULES’ PISSED OFF SONS

so now atreus and Thyestes are kings of mycenae
but see
it is hard to co-rule a kingdom
alongside a dude
who you already know
has conspired to murder your half brother
in order to be king of something
so plots start getting laid down THICK
thick like ten-ply molasses
so thick
that these plots are now part of the fucking fossil record
archeologists all digging down
finding rich plot deposits
theorizing as to what flavor of raptor
could concoct such incredibly thick plots

ok so what happens
is first atreus decides he wants to get in good with artemis
for whatever reason
seriously artemis is like the worst goddess
for a dude to be friends with
because 1) dudes do not have vaginas
and therefore do not have babies
and having babies
is something artemis helps out with

and 2)
as soon as you devirginize a chick
BAM
i hope you like meat cubes
because that is going to be the new nickname for your dick
after artemis is done throwing a knife party in your pants
and inviting all the knives

but so atreus makes a poor decision
and he cements this poor decision by being like hey
artemis
gonna sacrifice all the best goats in my flock to you
here let me go get them
and he goes and counts his goats all like
1
2
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS MADE OF GOLD
so he runs over to his wife Aerope like WIFE
HIDE THIS GOLDEN GOAT FROM ARTEMIS
YOU KNOW
THE GODDESS I PROMISED TO SACRIFICE IT TO
I NEED THIS GOAT SO BAD
I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHY
HIDE IT PLZ
and Aerope is like no problem
i will hide it
by giving it to the guy i am cheating on you with
it is the perfect hiding place

but PLOT TWIST
turns out Aerope is cheating on Atreus
WITH THYESTES
HOLY SHIT
DID SOMEONE JUST ADD SOME CRISCO TO THIS PLOT
BECAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT STARTED THICKENING JUST NOW
and thyestes is like thanks for this goat
i am going to use it for treachery
HEY ATREUS

so atreus is like whats up bro
and thyestes is like i heard you have a gold goat
and atreus is like i dont know how you know that but yeah
and thyestes is like i have an idea
how about you decree that whoever has that goat is king
then you will be king
and atreus is like i’m already king
we are both already king
and thyestes is like what
you dont want to be DOUBLE KING?
and atreus is like hm when you put it that way
and he goes ahead and makes this retarded degree
which
even if Aerope HADN’T given away the goat
would have made HER king instead of Atreus
and then Thyestes is like PRANKED LOOKS LIKE I’M KING NOW ASSHOLE

so then Atreus is like aw man bro what the fuck
give me the throne back
and thyestes is like sure fine ok
just as soon as the SUN MOVES BACKWARDS IN THE SKY
and atreus is like hey zeus can you do that for me
and Zeus is like sure dude
done
and thyestes is like fuck
i really didn’t expect it to be that easy
welp
looks like i’m banished from ANOTHER kingdom

so then atreus is king again
and he finds out his wife has been boning thyestes
prolly because she is suddenly less sexually satisfied
and he is like DAMN YOU THYESTES
I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS
BY MURDERING AND THEN COOKING YOUR CHILDREN

so he does that
and then he is like hey thyestes no hard feelings
about the whole goat thing
here come back to mycenae
have some food with me
and thyestes is like mm this is good what is this
and Atreus is like YOUR SONS ASSHOLE
and then he brings their hands and heads out from the kitchen
and puts on some kind of fucked up puppet show
which really kind of ruins dinner for everyone
especially thyestes
cause he just ate his kids or something

so thyestes runs away screaming and crying and shit
and he doesnt know what else to do so he goes to an oracle
and the oracle is like you know what you should do
bang your daughter
and then the incest baby you have from that
will kill Atreus
and Thyestes is like DONE

so he goes over to his daughter Pelopia
like hey honey i heard you like incest
and Pelopia is like really
that’s weird because i OH SHIT I’M GETTING RAPED
and she has a baby named Aegisthus
who she can’t stand to look at
cause of the whole incest rape thing
so she sends him to go live with Atreus
who raises him real nice
until one day Thyestes shows up like hey Aegisthus
guess what I am
I am your father
NO WAIT
i am your grandfather
NO WAIT
I am your father AND your grandfather
GUESS WHAT PUSSNEXUS
I RAPED YOUR MOM

and Aegisthus is like RRRRR THIS MAKES ME SO MAD
I AM GOING TO TAKE OUT MY RAGE
ON MY LOVING ADOPTIVE FATHER
BY KILLING HIM
BECAUSE I AM A BAAAAAAD PERSONNNNNN
so he killes Atreus
making Thyestes king AGAIN

so thyestes’ first act as king
is to exile Atreus’ sons
Agamemnon and Menelaus to sparta
but it turns out
you do not want to exile your brother’s warrior sons
to a nation of perfect warriors
because then they come back
and kick the shit out of thyestes
and agamemnon becomes king
and he and menelaus get to marry these spartan chicks
Clytemnestra and Helen respectively
and then helen gets stolen
and the trojan war happens
and while agamemnon is gone
Aegisthus seduces the fuck out of clytemnestra
all like hey wanna help me murder your husband when he comes back
and clytemnestra is like sure ok
so then they do that
they murder him in his bathtub
its like hey honey im home i see you drew me a bath how nice oh shi
so then 8 years later Agamemnon’s kid Orestes shows up
kills clytemnestra AND Aegisthus
and at this point the gods are like alright guys
we get it
you like killing each other
calm the FUCK down
hey orestes
guess what
you’re forgiven
go start a fucking baseball team or something
seriously

so the moral of the story is
have you ever played soccer
or basketball
or any of those sports like that
and did your coach ever tell you
don’t stop playing until you actually hear the ref’s whistle
so yeah the moral of the story is
don’t stop murdering until you actually hear the gods get sick of it
and interfere
you don’t want to stop murdering too early
just because you think its like
wrong or something
hold out for divine interference
they say murder doesn’t stop itself
but that is in fact exactly what it does

The End

RedditStumbleUponShare

5 thoughts on “Thyestes is one Massive Asshole Parade

  1. You forgot to mention the extra bit of murder that was Agamemnon sacrificing his daughter Iphigeneia so that some Greek boats could get a move on to Troy. Which is why Clytemnestra was willing to have a bath full of stabby goodness waiting for Agamemnon when he came home. Also because he brought home a bat shit crazy mistress, Cassandra. Who was also murdered.

    • She wasn’t crazy. She was the only greek seer who didn’t give riddles and instead explained exactly what was going to happen and how to stop it.
      She was also cursed so that no-one would believe a single word she said, including the large amounts of ‘I told you so’.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>