What do I keep telling you guys about God?

Alright what the fuck is up with God

Seriously
basically there’s this one time
where god is just kind of hanging out in heaven
and Satan comes up to him like sup dude
and God is like not much man
but hey have you seen this dude Job
he is SOO fucking dedicated to me
he’s probably the best guy EVER
seriously I am all ABOUT job, satan
so of course satan is like hm
I feel like i need to ruin this
hey god
I bet Job’s only behaving himself cuz you haven’t ruined his life yet
i bet if you let me ruin his life he’d start hating you pretty quick
and God is like nuh uh
and Satan is like yuh huh
and god is like well go do it then
see if I care
and Satan is like YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE

so meanwhile Job is busy having dinner with his loving family
seven sons and three daughters
that’s right
this guy gets BUSY
when a messenger shows up like hey
all your cows got taken by bandits
also
holy fire rained down from heaven and set your sheep on fire
also
your kids are dead
don’t ask me how
and Job is like DARRRRRRNNN
I best go pray to got because I’m a GOOOD PERSON
OH LORD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ITS ALL GOOD

so then satan hits up god again
like hey god
what’s up
and god is like DAMN RIGHT PRICKDIVOT
LOOKS LIKE JOB IS STILL PRAISIN’ MY NAME
EVEN AS FIRE IS LITERALLY RAINING DOWN ON HIS ANIMALS
WHAT NOW SATAN
WHAT NOW
(I am so waiting for the day
when I get to repeatedly shout WHAT NOW SATAN
I feel like that will be the day
I will know I have won life)

but satan
being SATAN
is like well maybe he’s righteous NOW
but that’s only because he’s not covered in HIDEOUS BOILS
and god is like I’m not falling for this shit again satan
you’re just trying to get me to torment my most loyal follower
and satan is like aww you got me

bet you ten bucks he’ll curse your name if I give him boils
and god is like OH BITCH IT IS ON

so Job gets boils all over his body
and his wife is like ew what the fuck
why don’t you just curse god and die
and for some reason this is NOT AN APPEALING OPTION FOR JOB
so instead he sits down in a thick mixture
of ashes
tears
and regret
and all his buddies show up to laugh at his deformities
they are like hey Job what’s good
oh I see
NOTHING
NOTHING IS GOOD
and Job is like yeah
yeah

and then i guess he suddenly snaps
and he is like YOU KNOW WHAT
I
CURSE
and satan is like yeah yeah
what do you curse
and Job is like THE DAY I WAS BORN
and God is like BOOYAH
HIS PSYCHE HAS CRUMBLED BUT HIS IRRATIONAL LOVE FOR ME REMAINS

and then Job’s friends
proceed to be like
hey
hey Job
you’ve always been a pretty righteous dude
why is god suddenly shitting directly into your breakfast cereal?
did you assfuck a nun or something?
and Job is like NO
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
and his friends are like aw come on Job you can tell us
what did you do
punt a baby through a barnhouse?
play dungeons and dragons?
and Job is like NOTHING
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
AND IF GOD WOULD JUST MAN UP AND TALK THIS SHIT OUT WITH ME
I BET WE COULD GET THIS SHIT CLEARED UP BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I WOULD LIKE TO GET THIS SHIT CLEARED UP BEFORE LUNCHTIME
BECAUSE I AM SO WRACKED WITH NAUSEA THAT I CANNOT EAT

and what do you know
here comes God
like SHABAM DICKHEAD
I HEARD YOU HAD SOME QUESTIONS FOR ME
WELL I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU BONERCHEESE
first off
who made the earth
you, or me?
oh i’m sorry dickhead
cat got your tongue?
what a coincidence
I INVENTED CATS
also hail
in fact
I have a whole fort knox full of fucking hail up in heaven
for throwing shit at people whenever i feel about it
do you have a hail vault in your house?
didn’t think so
and what about storks
pretty sweet, right?
guess who made those?
TIME’S UP
IT WAS ME
I MADE STORKS
ALSO LIONS
ALSO DEER
I COULD GO ON
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ON
and Job is like alright dude I get it
i’m sorry
never should have questioned you
these hideous boils are yours to dish out as you please
and I am very sorry-
but god’s like HOLD ON I’M NOT FINISHED
I also made these sweet things called behemoths
they’re huge
they might be elephants i don’t know
OH OH
and have you seen this fucking LEVIATHAN I made?
it’s like a million feet long
covered in impenetrable scales
and it breathes fire
seriously have you seen this thing
i’m sorry dude I’m actually pretty high right now

so Job is like sorry God
won’t happen again
and god is like cool
here’s four times your former riches
plus new kids
next time don’t fuck with me

so the moral of the story is
God is about as easy to manipulate
as a five year old child
you can literally have a perfect track record
and he may STILL set fire to everything you love
and then cover everything else in horrific boils
so i guess
good luck?

The end.

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16 thoughts on “What do I keep telling you guys about God?

  1. You got it all wrong God didn't send the devil, He just told the devil to behold or open His eyes to what was already His. Job was up right, but not perfect, and He was under the old testament, the devil has tempted us all, and gained open doors in one way or another, He has our goat, but Jesus who is God, became flesh to be the perfect medator, and be the lamb sacrifice. Job tried to sacrifice daily to cover their sins, the sins of His family and His own, but this is not adequate it is his faith that made Him look forward to the messiah, who would redeem Him that is why He said, though worms destroy this body yet in my flesh will I see God, in the Resurrection. Satan got your mind all twisted up in the game, man God is not to blame the devil is the one who sent the fire, and the horse men, and all that stuff. Adam gave satan power over this world, and before Jesus was manifest in flesh He still had power over this world and the elements. Jesus took away this power, He had, now He only has power over the minds of some people, and though their human athourity He still does some things. Job was in the old testament say Jesus is Lord, and I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and arose from the dead. God said,"You are allowed to tempt Him, and attack Him, but not kill Him, but first He said,"BEHOLD WHICH MEANS OPEN YOU EYES". So if it was something the devil already knew He would not have asked, The devil is not all knowing, He has to ask questions, He went to Heaven on Adams power though not His own, because He was cast out of Heaven with no place there anymore. The devil if you noticed said,"JOB HAS A HEDGE AROUND HIM" this is a spiritual force field. WHen God said Behold it is because something Job did brought it down not because God didn't want to protect Him or because He had to prove Himself to satan, why would God have to prove Himself to the same devil He kicked out of Heaven, this meaningless creation God doesn't have to do that, and God knows the future so He doesn't have to test job to see what He will do. However, man has a will, and when man gives into temptation or starts having fear instead of faith, God has to allow the reality that man accepts to take it's course. Now we just believe in Jesus we don't have to sit in ashes to simbolize repentance like He did. You got it all wrong.

  2. Yeah, OVID, you got it all wrong, duh. Let me write a wall of text to tell you about it… or not.

    "i'm sorry dude I'm actually pretty high right now"

    There's a verse in there somewhere about burning sweet-smelling herbs as part of the sacrifice to God because their smell is pleasing to him. God being high half the time would explain so much.

    That these days, with so few burnt sacrifices going on (apparently smoking it yourself doesn't count; he's GOD, he needs more than a contact high), he's probably jonesing pretty hard, which is maybe why all the earthquakes, tornadoes, ice caps melting, etc. So all you stoners, burn up a joint for the Lord on Friday at 4:20 and let's see what happens over the weekend. Maybe it'll rain Skittles or cupcakes.

  3. Fuck the naysayers. Of course someone got offended that a person might not take a ridiculous biblical story seriously. My favorite Vivle story, followed closely with Sodam and Gomorrah…

  4. Can I just say….I am a Christian and I thought this was fucking hilarious! Just found this site today and have been reading for the past….two hours. Good stuff!

  5. "HIS PSYCHE HAS CRUMBLED BUT HIS IRRATIONAL LOVE FOR ME REMAINS"

    Excellent. Also, I love how at the end of the story, God gives Job a new family like it'll totally make up for the loss of his old one. I guess humans are all the same to God. Anyway, I found your site recently and it's really good.
    - Courtney

  6. OMG GUYS

    SOMEONE LIKE HAD AN OPINION AND DISAGREED, BUT HOW DARE THEY DO IT WITH A WALL OF TEXT

    BECAUSE WE CAN'T FIND THE STRENGTH TO USE THE SCROLL BUTTON, WE HAVE TO BE OFFENDED THIS GUY IS DEFENDING HIS BELIEFS

    LIKE WTF HOW DARE THIS GUY EXERCISE THE SAME RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH AS THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG AND OURSELVES, WHEN WE HAVE THE ABILITY TO NOT GIVE A SHIT

    :|

    • YEAH! A lot of atheists are like: I’m so oppressed by theists Z0Mg! Then say: HOW DARE ANYONE WITH DIFFERENT RELIGIOUS BELIEFS EXPRESS THEM! GRRRRRR!!!

      • Nonsense. I’m perfectly okay with people expressing beliefs as long as they aren’t dicks about it. Problem is, I’ve spent most of my life in the south, so the number of people I’ve met who aren’t dicks can be counted on the fingers of one head.

  7. Bro! Your Storys are Fkn Hysterical! I always find myself ROFLing! But man, Don’t post sht up that is offensive like this. It doesn’t offend me, but others might be. Plus, God isn’t a Myth, so why put him in here in the first place?
    Thanks for all the Laughs!
    Keep Up The Awesome Paraphrased Stories Man!

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