Yes, They Have Lumberjacks in Vietnam

Today’s myth
goes out to the much-maligned sister
of notorious serial killer Kratos “The March Mangler” October
apparently said sister is having a birthday
and likes fucked up shit
so here is a story about the pharmaceutical industry

so this story is about a lumberjack
his name is cuoi
which is not a super badass name for a lumberjack
but we will let it slide
because the first thing that happens in this story
is Cuoi is wandering through the woods
and he kills FOUR LIONS
FOUR
THIS IS THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR YOU COME TO EXPECT FROM LUMBERJACKS
oh shit wait they’re actually just cubs
NEVERMIND
way to go pusspants mcgee
way to kill babies with an axe

but Cuoi gets his comeuppance for this dickery
because suddenly HERE COMES MOMMA LION
like ROARR FUCK YOU
and Cuoi runs his ass up a tree and hides
so momma lion gets bored and kind of pokes her childrens’ corpses a little bit
doesn’t seem too upset
and then goes over to some weird bush
chews it up
and vomits it into all her kids’ mouths
AND THEY PROCEED TO COME BACK TO LIFE

so Cuoi is up in his tree like SWEET WIGGITY WIZARDS
THAT MUST BE THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE RESTORATION HEALING TREE
I’M RICH
and he waits for the momma lion to leave with her zombie kids
and then he jumps down and digs up the tree

but on his way home he trips over some dude’s dead body
and he’s like oh snap
what a perfect opportunity to use this tree I stole
so he chews up some leaves and vomits them into the old guy’s mouth
and then the old guy wakes up like SHIT YESSSSS
I HAD NOT LIVED NEEDLESSLY LONG ENOUGH
THANK YOU SIR YOU ARE PRETTY COOL
OH WHAT IS THIS IS IT THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE HERBS RESTORATIVE LIFE LIFE HEALING?
DUDE YOU ARE A PRETTY LUCKY GUY
JUST MAKE SURE NOT TO WATER IT WITH DIRTY WATER
OR IT WILL BLAST OFF INTO SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
and Cuoi is like okay crazy old dude
that sounds just about as reasonable as everything else

so Cuoi gets home
plants his tree
waters it with crystal clear spring water
and becomes INSTANTLY FAMOUS
i mean he is a dude who owns a tree that is basically a big leafy wang
dangling in the face of death
repeatedly slapping death’s nose and then jiggling a little
word is bound to get around
and things are going pretty well for Cuoi
he resurrects a dog
and boom
free dog
he resurrects a chick
and boom
free wife
Cuoi’s circle of friends
is limited only by the number of bodies he can dig up at the local mortuary

but then shit turns sour
and not in the way you are probably thinking
no, the world does not become overrun with old dudes who refuse to die
like in that Kurt Vonnegut story
where they all live in these tiny apartment complexes and I think eat each other
No instead what happens
is it turns out that that free wife Cuoi got hooked up with
actually already had a whole buttload of wealthy suitors
and they are a little miffed that Cuoi has suddenly stolen their prized booty
so what they do is they wait til Cuoi is out in the woods
and they all ambush his wife like HEY GURL WE GOT RICHES BUT WE ARE LACKING BITCHES
PERHAPS YOU COULD RECTIFY THIS DEFECIT
and Cuoi’s wife is like ew no guys
go away
so they kill her
OBVIOUSLY
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN PEOPLE DON’T WANNA MARRY YOU
this kind of begs the question
in a world where anyone who dies can be immediately revived with tree shit
does murder suddenly become less of a thing?
is it the kind of thing where like
somebody beats you at chess
or gives you incorrect change at 7-11
and suddenly it is blood city and you are the mayor
yes
I think that is exactly what it’s like

but so anyway these dudes get done killing this chick and they’re like oh shit
we just killed the wife of the guy who can RESURRECT PEOPLE
we have effectively accomplished NOTHING AT ALL
but wait
what if we just sort of
sprinkle her intestines everywhere
make a scavenger hunt out of her internal organs
no way can she get revived without all those things
ULTIMATE SUCCESS

so these jerks leave the wife’s disembowelled body by the river
and they all go home
and then Cuoi shows up like oh hey my wife’s dead
guess I better just revive WHERE THE FUCK ARE HER ORGANS
DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING YOUR ORGANS INSIDE YOUR BODY
THIS IS A DISASTER
but actually it’s okay
because his dog is like hey Cuoi you should totally disembowel me
and use my crazy dog organs to revive your wife
except dogs can’t talk
so really what the dog said was WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and Cuoi was like KILL YOU AND USE YOUR ORGANS YOU SAY?
DON’T MIND IF I DO
and then he cuts open his dog and stuffs its lungs inside his dead wife

so then his wife comes back to life
apparently the tree cannot tell the difference between dog lungs and human lungs
and then Cuoi feels bad about the whole dog thing
so he makes some replacement dog lungs out of clay
and stuffs them in his dog
and APPARENTLY THAT WORKS
so now Cuoi is surrounded by a shambling charnel-house
that vaguely resembles his loved ones
and he’s like SWEET
PROBLEM SOLVED FOREVER

except no
problem not solved at all
because it turns out that a chest full of dog lungs
makes you terminally unable to follow directions
case in point:
Cuoi keeps telling his wife that if she needs to take a piss
she should do it on the west side of the house
as far away from the magic tree as possible
the magic tree that is not supposed to be watered with dirty water
and which has resurrected this woman not once but TWO FUCKING TIMES
and what does she do?
she goes over to the east side of the house
pops a suat
and PISSES DIRECTLY ON THE HERBAL TREE OF TREE HERBS HEALTH HEALING RESURRECTION HERB

so Cuoi is inside the house
doing whatever it is lumberjacks do when they’re not jacking lumber
and suddenly there’s this HUGE EARTHQUAKE
and he runs outside to find ALL HIS PLANTS BLASTING OFF INTO SPACE
and his wife is standing with her pants around her ankles looking FURIOUS
and Cuoi is like WOMAN I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR FURY I HAVE A TREE TO CATCH
and he runs up to the tree
which is just now exploding out of the garden
and he hooks his axe to it
and just flies STRAIGHT TO THE GODDAMN MOON
and I guess he’s still there
you can see him if you squint
and apparently one leaf falls off that tree towards earth every year
but it always either gets burned up in the atmosphere or stolen by dolphins
because I sure as shit haven’t seen any immortality leaves around lately

so the moral of the story
is don’t put a dog in your wife
or you wife will put you in the dog house
ha HA

the end.

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2 thoughts on “Yes, They Have Lumberjacks in Vietnam

  1. Kratos "The March Mangler" October here to report that my sister liked your fucked up version of this fucked up myth. "March Mangler," she said, "Why aren't you as cool as this guy?" And then I cried a little bit. It was one of the better birthdays we've celebrated.

    Thanks.

  2. Thank you for this. It’s a wonderful retelling and reminded me of the confusion I had as a child when my parents told me this story. Happy Mid-Autumn Moon Festival.

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