Zahhak Has Epaulets Made of Pure Brutality

holy shit you guys are buying a lot of shirts
thanks in large part I think to pajiba.com
(which is apparently a review site whose philosophy i really dig)
and themarysue.com
(which is just all around rad
and the picture of the flexing lady changes costumes when you refresh the page!)
for all you people who bought your shirts from last Monday onwards
you should know that I have a policy of always shipping out shirts once a week
on mondays
because all I have is a bike and very little time
so your hojillion shirts will all go in the mail the day after tomorrow

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT SHIRTS
LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME PURELY RAD UTTER NONSENSE FROM IRAN

that’s right
IRAN
this shit was not even on my radar until this crazycool chick
(who wishes to remain anonymous
and whose name is Thunderchucks “BOOOOOM” Murdertoots)
pointed out to me that there is this religion called Zoroastrianism
which is called that
because it came out of the yelling face of this dude named Zoroaster
it is about how there is this super chill god named after a Japanese car brand
and also this total dick named Ahriman who is all about shitting in his milk
and this religion possesses some of the BEST STORIES EVER
OBSERVE

So there’s this dude Zahhak right
he’s an all around nice dude
until this asshole Ahriman shows up like hey man you know what would be awesome?
killing your dad
and Zahhak is like you know what
I never thought of it that way
and BAM his dad is dead

and GOOD NEWS FOR ZAHHAK
turns out his dad was totally king of something
so now Zahhak gets to be king
this is the problem with kingship guys
your kids are kind of actively rewarded for killing you
but anyway Ahriman is not satisfied with the level of fucked up everything is
so he disguises himself as Anthony Bourdaine and shows up at Zahhak’s place again
and he’s like yo dude let me cook you some GOURMET MEALS
and Zahhak is like AWESOME
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
and Ahriman is like oh nothing
just kiss my shoulders a couple times and we’ll be good
and Zahhak is a little weirded out probably
but he’s not about to let this dude’s weird fetish get in the way of GOURMET MEALS
so he does it
and then suddenly
SNAKES GROW OUT OF ZAHHAK’S SHOULDERS
like OH SHIT
looks like Anthony Bourdaine’s shoulders had SNAKE HERPES
haha oh man i can’t believe that’s a sentence I just got to type

so anyway Zahhak is freaking out
like you tend to do when snakes are coming out of your shoulders
but no worries
here comes Ahriman AGAIN
this time disguised as a doctor
and he’s like hm let me take a look at these snakes
oh I’ve seen this before
it’s brain-eating shoulder snakes disorder
you just have to feed the snakes human brains or else they will devour you
not a big deal honestly

so Zahhak starts killing people and feeding their brains to his snakes
because I mean what else is he gonna do
and then he’s like hm
well as long as I am ceaselessly killing people to feed my snakeshoulders
I might as well declare war on the KING OF THE ENTIRE WORLD
yeah apparently they had those back in the day
what did I tell you about kingship guys?
it is a losing proposition

So Zahhak kills Jamshid, king of the world, pretty much without any problems
then he takes Jamshid’s daughters and bones the shit out of them a lot
and everyone is like MAN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW
I THOUGHT WE LIVED IN A WORLD CREATED BY AN OVERWHELMINGLY BENEVOLENT GOD
WHY IS IT THAT THE KING OF THE WORLD
IS A GUY WHO LITERALLY HAS BRAIN-EATING SNAKES FOR SHOULDERS
but things are about to change
because one night Zahhak has a BAD FUCKING DREAM
and he wakes up and calls some dudes to interpret it
and they’re like oh well that’s simple
dude named Feryadoun is gonna kill your ass real soon
and Zahhak is like FUCK THAT NOT IF I KILL HIM FIRST
but it turns out Feryadoun is just some kid who lives in the mountains
so Zahhak spends all this time and effort trying to find him
and just ends up with a couple fistfuls of mountaindirt and a plate full of sadness

but then one day this blacksmith named Kaveh shows up to Zahhak’s place
and he’s like yo man just wanted to let you know
I had 18 kids but then your snake shoulers ate seventeen of them
and Zahhak is like oh sorry about that bro
look i will totally not braineat your last son
but you gotta sign a form that says I am the most awesome and benevolent dude ever
and Kaveh is like FUCK THAT I AIN’T SIGNING SHIT
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I GO FIND FERYADOUN AND COME BACK AND KILL YOUR ASS
and Zahhak is like oh shit no don’t do that
but by the time he finishes that sentence Feryadoun has already killed his ass
I dunno how that mountain kid got so competent but he did apparently
and then he frees Jamshid’s two hot daughters and bones them into oblivion

so the moral of the story
is if a doctor ever tells you that the only remedy for your medical condition
is raw human brains
consider a second opinion

THE END

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6 thoughts on “Zahhak Has Epaulets Made of Pure Brutality

  1. Hooray, I'm glad Zoroastrianism has sweet myths. I guess something that old would have to have some weird shit.

    Plus, as far as my patchy understanding goes, good Zarathustrians are meant to live a rad life because when they die they kind of meet their spirit and it wants to know about all the cool stuff they've done.

  2. This reminds me, I read a story about Rostam, a Persian hero, in which he ends up killing his son because he disobeys a king. Good times. Also there was a woman warrior.

    The book I read it from described the ancient Persians as people who liked to kill each other with maces and make wine cups from the skulls of their enemies, which is FUCKING METAL.

  3. Fucking metal indeed. I've been following the blog for a months now and being Persian I'm really glad to see you finally did a Persian myth! If you're interested I can dig around and find you some more stuff on the subject. Most of it is in the Persian Epic the Shahnameh, which is balls long. There are shorter stories in the greater narrative though, like the one Cliff was talking about with Rostam and his son Sohrab which can be found individually (like here: http://www.iranian.com/Arts/2002/January/Sohrab/index.html , and here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rostam_and_Sohrab )

  4. Pingback: Zal and Rudabeh is like Romeo and Juliet but Nobody Dies??? | Myths RETOLD

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