okay so guys
remember a couple days ago
when i said shiva seemed like a huge pussy?

guys
i retract the FUCK out of that statement

right now
i am sitting in my room
retracting my statement so hard
i am not going to shit for WEEKS

ANYWAY

the reason i am retracting my statement
is this story that happened one time

ok so there is this dude Brahma right
he is the creator of everything
so one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it
this hot chick
is his daughter

but as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
brahma is like OH DAMN
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT
THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY
and then he goes ahead and gives himself
THREE EXTRA HEADS
so he can check out his daughter from all angles
everywhere
forever
thus causing the world to get divided
into four directions
because the creator suddenly desires something
that is outside himself

okay so Brahma’s daughter gets wind
of all this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on earth instead
and she goes up to heaven

now brahma is like FUCK
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD
see this is the thing about being the creator
you do not consider options such as
moving your neck
or
in extreme cases
physical therapy
maybe a neck massage
limber up those muscles
NO
you grow an extra fucking head
looking straight up
and then you send it shooting towards heaven
all like NOM NOM NOM TITSTIME

so at this point
brahma’s daugher is up in heaven
like fuck what am i going to do
about this encroaching molester head
and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
like FUCK THIS SHIT
and chops off Brahma’s head
WITH HIS FUCKING THUMBNAIL
BAM

but instead of a hearty thank you
and maybe some victory poontang
shiva gets brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand
and he is like AW FUCK
THIS IS MY JERKIN’ IT HAND
and he transforms into Bhairava
aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO
I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO
and brahma is like oh no you are not son
you are going to get banished the fuck on out of here
is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around the land
as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven

so this is exactly what shiva does
until one day
he stumbles upon a group of sages
all sitting around praying the fuck out of themselves
and shiva rolls up
LIKE HEY HEY OOGA BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE WHATS UP
and the sages are like what the fuck is this shit
and the sages’ wives are like OH MAN I WANNA TAP THAT
and they all go dance the crazy wango bango tango with Shiva
and the sages are like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and they send a tiger after shiva
and shiva responds
by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S FUCKING SKIN
and wearing it as a skirt
and then the sages are like DOUBLEFUCK
and they send a poisonous snake after shiva
and shiva picks up the snake
and wears it as a fucking necklace
and the sages are like 3X FUCK COMBO
and they send an evil dwarf after shiva
that’s right
they have fuckable gold in india too guys
anyway shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over
stands on his face
and takes his club

then he turns around like COME ON ALL YOU HOT BITCHES
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST
so they do
and then shiva (aka bhairava remember)
goes to vishnu’s place
like hey vishnu lemme in
and vishnu’s bouncer is like who the fuck are you
and bhairava is like THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT BITCH
and then vishnu jumps out of the back room like OH SNAP
I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY
and bhairava fills brahma’s sticky skull with vishnu’s blood
like THANKS SUCKER
and then dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a fucking skull full of blood
he dances all the fuck over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party
with some women you stole
and eventually people will realize you can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven
seriously what the fuck is even happening in this myth

the end.