Author Archives: Ovid

Vasalissa Has a Scary Doll

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Alright my little boner bundles
today’s myth is from Russia
and I would not even know about it
if not for the tender ministrations
of sexy chef Marjoram “Garlic Love” Cuminstein
here it goes:

Okay so there’s this chick Vasalissa
she has a mom for like ten minutes
and during those ten minutes
her mom gives her a doll and she is like “yo
this doll is magical as fuck
if you feed it food
it will talk to you and solve all your problems.”
then the mom dies
because this is a fairytale and that is how they do

let’s fast forward real quick
because if you’ve read any fairytale ever
you probably know what happens next:
the dad marries some bitch with two bitchy daughters
and then proceeds to go on a ton of business trips and shit
to give the evil stepmother ample time for child abusin’
the only difference is that in this story
Vasalissa pretty much gives no fucks
because every time her stepmother gives her a shitty chore to do
the magic doll just does it instead
and whenever she gets upset and asks the doll what to do
the doll is just like “whatever bitch
just go to sleep”
and then she does and she feels great

So basically Vasalissa spends years literally doing nothing but sleeping
well
sleeping and stuffing food into a doll’s mouth
and then finally her dad goes away on the ULTIMATE BUSINESS TRIP
and her stepmother is like “yo
Vasalissa
it looks like your dad abandoned us
he stopped sending us money and stuff
TIME TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS”
except that what is really happening
is that the stepmother is hiding all the money and the letters
that the dad is writing
and she really just wants to move because all the neighbors hate her
because she sucks
honestly, though
this seems like a pretty dumb decision to me
because if they go live in the middle of the woods
how is the evil stepmother gonna get at all the money the dad sends home?
i do not think they had mail forwarding in ancient sad-ass russia
seems like this crazy jerk lady is just screwing herself out of free money
but whatever

so anyway, now they’re out in the middle of the woods
and Vasalissa is freaking out
so she stuffs some food into her doll and she’s like “doll
what do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch, be cool
just go to sleep.”
and Vasalissa is like “wow, that makes me feel a lot better!”
and then she does.

so this goes on for a while
and when Vasalissa repeatedly fails to just die in the forest
the stepmother gets impatient and comes up with a plan
so what she does is she gets both her daughters
and puts them in a room with Vasalissa
and has them all start sewing
and then she goes around and turns off all the candles in the house
except for the one in the sewing room
and then WHOOPS
she accidentally turns off that one too
and then she’s like “OH NO
VASALISSA
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE TO GO TO OUR NEIGHBOR TO GET SOME FIRE
BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE MATCHES IN OLD SAD-ASS RUSSIA
too bad our closest neighbor is none other
than BABA FUCKING YAGA
THAT MEAN-ASS WITCH WITH METAL TEETH AND A BAAAD ATTITUDE”
and Vasalissa
seeing as she has spent her entire life so far pretty much consequence-free
is like “okay, that sounds cool
see you punks later”

So she goes over to Baba Yaga’s house
and on the way she gets passed by some white dude on a white horse
and all of a sudden the sun starts coming up
and then this red dude on a red horse rides by
and the sun comes all the way up!
and then when she finally gets to Baba Yaga’s house
(which is a constantly spinning penthouse on chicken legs
surrounded by a fence made of skulls, hands, teeth and fire)
this black dude on a black horse rides by her
and jumps over the fence
and DISAPPEARS
and then it is night time
and then Baba Yaga finally shows up
riding her magic mixing bowl
by jamming her mixing rod into it over and over again
in a totally nonsexual way
and covering her tracks with a broom
even though logically she shouldn’t be making any tracks
because her mixing bowl FUCKING FLIES
but whatever

so Baba Yaga rolls up and she sees Vasalissa
and she’s like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU”
and Vasalissa is like “I’m Vasalissa and I need some matches or something”
and Baba Yaga is like “Well I don’t have matches
this being old sad-ass russia
but what I DO have are skulls full of fire
would you like a skull full of fire?”
and Vasalissa is like “uh yes please
that sounds totally rad”
and Baba Yaga is like “TOO BAD.
You know what you get instead?
You get to do INFINITE CHORES FOR ME
and if you fuck even one chore up
I WILL EAT YOU
RAAAAAAA”
and Vasalissa is like “ok, sounds good to me”

But actually Vasalissa is freaking the fuck out
so she finds some scraps from Baba Yaga’s massive dinner
and she feeds them to the doll like “what the fuck do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch,
chill.
Go to sleep.”
And Vasalissa is like “Oh man that makes me feel much better”
and then she goes to sleep.
Is it just me, or could this doll have been easily replaced by some Vicodin?

Anyway, in the morning Baba Yaga gives Vasalissa a ton of chores
and then leaves
and then the doll does all the chores like a boss
other than the cooking
because I guess if the doll could cook for itself
then it could eat the food
and ask itself questions
and then it would tell itself to just shut the fuck up and go to sleep
and then it wouldn’t be much use to anybody.
BUT WHATEVER
Baba Yaga comes back and is pretty disappointed that she can’t eat the girl
which is pretty dumb, because she totally can eat the girl
I mean the girl is right fucking there
trapped inside her fence of death and fire
and Baba Yaga has a whole mouth full of METAL TEETH
so really she can eat anything she wants
she could eat the fucking fence if she felt like it
and she’s stuck trying to get Vasalissa on a technicality?
what the balls.
I guess I shouldn’t complain though
because this is good news for Vasalissa
it means she gets to spend even ANOTHER day in the house
doing MORE CHORES
(which the doll does for her)
and then Baba Yaga comes home again and is like “DAMMIT
NOW ALL MY HOUSEWORK IS DONE AND I DON’T GET TO EAT CHILDREN.”
A common problem, I’m told.

Oh yeah, and while this is all going on
those different colored horsemen keep showing up
the white dude shows up in the morning
the red dude shows up at sunrise
and the black dude shows up at nightfall
and so on the second night
when Baba Yaga is eating her massive dinner
Vasalissa is like “Hey can I ask you some questions?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Sure
just be forewarned
sometimes I randomly kill people who ask me questions.”
and Vasalissa is like “Okay, that’s cool. So who’s that white dude on the horse?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the morning. He works for me.”
and Vasalissa is like “What about the red dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the dawn. He is also an employee of mine.”
and Vasalissa is like “And the black dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Are you seriously not seeing a pattern here?
Like, come on
your wilful ignorance is making me really want to randomly kill you for no reason”
and Vasalissa is like “Uh, No further questions!”
and Baba Yaga is like “DAMN RIGHT
Now I get to ask YOU a question:
how come you were able to do all those chores I made you do?”
and Vasalissa is like “Oh, I have this magic doll that my mother blessed.”
and Baba Yaga is like “Oh shit, why didn’t you say so?
I am totally allergic to blessings
so I need you to get out of my house immediately.
Here, have a skull full of fire!”

So Vasalissa runs home with the fire skull
and when she gets home it turns out that her step-family really sucks at fire
like they haven’t been able to light a single goddamn candle
the whole time Vasalissa’s been gone
so they’ve basically been starving to death because of the mom’s amazing plan
and then it gets even better
because as soon as Vasalissa brings the skull into the house
it runs around and sets everyone on fire
(except vasalissa and her doll)
and then Vasalissa just goes back home and waits for her dad to come back
and the later gets married to a king or something!

So the moral of the story
is that talking to your action figures is not just sound romantic practice
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE.

The end.

The Nutcracker is a Total Head Trip

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For some reason I keep getting reminded of this story
so now I’ma tell it to you
BOOM

So it’s christmas
and this family is getting presents
there are all these kids and shit
but the only people who really matter
are this girl named Mary
and her creepy magic uncle Drosselmeier
Drosselmeier shows up at the party with a present for the kids
the present
is a WHOLE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
that Drosselmeier built HIMSELF
because he is a BOSS
so Mary is pretty jazzed about this
but she is even more jazzed about this regular-ass nutcracker
which isn’t even a present for her specifically
but actually one of those cheapass gifts that people give “to the whole family”

that’s right
this girl thinks a dumb wooden dude who can break nuts in his mouth
is more fun than an ENTIRE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
this girl is not my kind of girl, let me just say that right now.

So anyway, all the kids get in this big fight over the nutcracker
but Mary is clearly the most responsible out of all of them
so she gets put in charge of all the nutcracking
and then they proceed to crack nuts with the nutcracker
until the nutcracker cracks from excessive nut cracking
…
NUTS

So Mary is sad about this, but fuck it, who cares
she’s just some dumb kid
but so she ends up staying up late staring at this nutcracker
and it sorta turns into a tiny dude for a second, which freaks her out
and then the clock strikes midnight
and creepy uncle Drosselmeier is hanging out on top of the clock
like some kinda crazy time gargoyle
and then ALL THE SHIT HITS EVERY SINGLE FAN
cause like BOOM
RATS
ALL UP IN THE ROOM
and one of the rats has SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so Mary flips out, obviously
and she falls over and busts open the glass toy cabinet with her elbow
and then the nutcracker is like FUCK THIS
only his jaw is broken so it’s more like FFUTH VISH
and he runs into the toy cabinet
and leads an all out toy rebellion up in those rats
except the toys are just some dumb toys
whereas the rats are AN ARMY OF GODDAMN RATS
AND ONE OF THEM HAS SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so things are going pretty bad for the toys until Mary throws a shoe at the rat king
then she passes out from blood loss
cause remember
she just put her fucking elbow through a glass door.

So when she wakes up she tries to tell everyone what happened
but let’s face it
it’s a pretty dumb story
so everybody just figures Drosselmeier got her wasted at the party or something
but Drosselmeier, for his part
sits down with Mary to fix her nutcracker
and tell her the story of KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
(which is also apparently the story of why nutcrackers look so fucked up)

okay so basically what happens in the story
is there is this queen and she is making sausages
because apparently she is a pretty poor queen who cannot afford a cook
but then this other queen shows up
and this queen is the queen of the RATS
and she is like “Yo queen
I am also a queen
we are basically like sisters
you should let me eat all the lard for your sausages”
and the queen is like “THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE”
so the rat queen and her babies eat all the sausage lard
and then the king comes home
and the queen is like “hey honey, I know you were looking forward to some sausage
but I thought maybe tonight we could try … a salad?”
and the king is like “NOOOOOO FUCK THAT GIVE ME SAUSAGES”
and the queen is like “Uhh the rat queen sort of ate them”
and the king is like “SCANDAL! SHE MUST BE STOPPED!
DROSSELMEIER!”
and Drosselmeier shows up inside his own story like “sup”
and the king is like “Oh man Drosselmeier
it’s a good thing you’re in this story
I need you to use your mad inventing skills
to build me THE ULTIMATE MOUSETRAP
put some robots in it, and some flamethrowers
put some cheese covered in rat pheremones
those rats won’t know whether to eat that cheese or fuck it
and while they are confused, we can hit them with hammers!”
and Drosselmeier is like “I will build you a mousetrap
but I might not take all of these suggestions you are giving me”

so Drosselmeier builds a better mousetrap
wait what am i saying
dude builds THE BEST mousetrap
and it is pretty much like a rat massacre up in the castle
for weeks and weeks
until the rat queen is like “Okay, that’s enough
time to retaliate for this mechanical genocide
with CURSES!
Hey king!
KING!
I’m gonna curse your daughter and make her be super ugly!”
and the king is like “OH FUCK
I’m really shallow
I don’t know if I would be able to love an ugly daughter.
THE MOUSE QUEEN MUST BE STOPPED”
So what he does is he buys like a hundred cats
and he puts them around his daughter’s crib
(oh by the way, his daughter is named Pirlipat
which is not the kind of thing you name a person who you don’t want to be ugly)
and he hires all these nurses to constantly pet these cats so the cats stay awake
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is that he doesn’t hire anyone to constantly pet the NURSES
so all the nurses fall asleep
and then the cats fall asleep
and then the rat queen
(whose name is Mouserinks
which again, is not a name for a good-looking person
but she’s a rat so it works
although it doesn’t work TOO well because she’s a RAT not a MOUSE)
rolls on in and puts her ugly curse on Pirlipat

so the king comes in in the morning
and he finds his daughter
with a big creepy grin on her face
and a cottony beard
and he’s like “DROSSELMEIER
COME FIX MY DAUGHTER’S FACE”
and Drosselmeier is like “well that’s not really my area of expertise
I mean I could build a robot to impersonate your daughter’s face
but somehow I don’t think that’s what you want”
and the king is like “FUCK YOU, FIX THIS ANYWAY”
so Drosselmeier goes out hunting for a cure for butterface

he searches for a whole month and doesn’t find shit
and finally he just gets sick of failing and calls up an astrologer
and the astrologer is like “Dude, it’s simple
the princess can only be cured of her ugly
by eating the meat of the nut KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
and the nut must be cracked and handed to her
by a man who has never shaved or worn boots in his life
and after he feeds it to her
he’s gotta take seven steps backwards with his eyes closed
WITHOUT STUMBLING AT ALL.
I mean it’s pretty much just common sense is what I’m saying.”

So Drosselmeier and the Astrologer go out looking for KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
they go out looking for many many years
and finally it turns out it was just in some thrift store down the street
and also the man mentioned in the prophecy is Drosselmeier’s nephew
which you’d think he might have thought of in the first place
unless he mistook his no-shaving, no-shoe-wearing nephew for a bear or something

oh and the king has totally promised the princess’s hand in marriage
to whichever dude can crack the nut with his teeth
so dudes are spitting out teeth like a toddler spits out antifreeze:
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
man, I gotta stop saying shit like that
anyway, then Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew, Hippie McBearpants
and Bearpants cracks the nut no problem
hands it to Pirlipat
then he starts walking backwards
he takes one step
two
three
four
five
six
OH SHIT HERE COMES THE RAT QUEEN
FUCKING SHIT UP AS USUAL
and the dude trips
and then the curse flies across the room and sticks to HIS face
so at least the cottony beard is gender appropriate now
but that’s a small consolation
because now this dude is so ugly that Pirlipat refuses to marry him
and so he is cursed to be ugly FOREVER
and I guess that’s where nutcrackers come from?

so that’s a nice story
and now the nutcracker is fixed
and Drosselmeier goes home
and Mary goes to bed
but then in the middle of the night she wakes up
only to hear the seven-headed rat king whispering in her ear
like “hey girl come over here, lemme whisper in your ear
lemme tell you something that you might like to hear:

I’ll bite your nutcracker in half from his teeth to his taint”
and mary is like “WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THAT”
but then she gives the rat king a bunch of candy so he goes away

but then what do you think he does?
he KEEPS DOING THAT SHIT
all the time
until finally the nutcracker is like “FUCK THIS
GET ME A TINY SWORD”
so Mary borrows one from her bro
and then the nutcracker just kills that mouse king
and brings back all seven of his crowns as proof
and then she is so happy to be rid of creepy rat voices
that she looks at the nutcracker and she is like “dude
I don’t care how ugly you are
I would still totally do you
that princess pirlipat was a biiiiiitch”
and BAM
all of a sudden Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew
who now magically does not look like a nutcracker anymore
but there is nothing to indicate that he has shaved or started wearing shoes?
but anyway Drosselmeier is like CONGRATULATIONS
YOU JUST WISHED SO HARD YOU BROKE THE FRAME NARRATIVE
HERE, HAVE A MARRIAGE
and then they get married
completely fucking with my preconception of how old Mary was

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need to actually go outside to find your soulmate
just profess your undying love to your action figures
and let the hotties come to YOU

THE END.

Dorian Gray is Creepy Sexy

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14

Awright my little sex tadpoles
today you are going to hear about a dude who is rude and crude
but knows an excellent plastic surgeon
they call him
DORIAN GRAY
(not to be confused with gay mystery author Dorien Grey)
This dude lived way back in the day
inside one of Oscar Wilde’s novels
AND THIS IS HIS STORY

So first off there’s these two dudes
One is named Basil and he is a painter
the other one is named Lord Henry and he is an asshole
so Henry shows up at Basil’s crib one day like HEY BASIL
HAVE I TOLD YOU YET ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD PARTY ALL THE TIME AND TO HELL WITH EVERYONE
and Basil is like Yes Henry
that is all you are ever telling people
you seem to be completely incapable of any other form of speech
and Henry is like COOL STORY BRO
HEY
WHO’S THAT HOT DUDE YOU’RE PAINTING?
and Basil is like Oh
that’s Dorian Gray
he is pure and innocent and totally fuckable
don’t talk to him, you’ll ruin him
but Henry doesn’t hear him because he’s already over there by Dorian
RUINING

He’s like HEY DORIAN SO I CAN SEE YOU’RE PRETTY HOT
BUT YOU’RE GONNA GET OLD, BRO
AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BUNCH OF AWESOME MEMORIES OF HOW HARD YOU AND I USED TO PARTY
LET’S ROLL
and Dorian is like Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss
and on his way out he gets real angry at his own portrait
because it represents a pinnacle of hotness that he’s totally gonna age out of
and he’s like Man
I would give my right nut to have that painting age instead of me
Good thing I’m not in a book or anything
cause if I was
the author might hear me saying this and do something CRAAAAAZY

So meanwhile Lord Henry is doing everything he can to fuck this kid up
he is taking him to sweet parties and hobnobbing with all the nobles
and Dorian is just eating his bullshit right up
and then one day Dorian is wandering through the slums
and he finds this theater
and he goes inside and immediately falls cock over balls for this hot actress named Sibyl
two days later:
BAM
engaged to be married
SHIT MOVES FAST WHEN YOU ARE THIS GOOD LOOKING

so naturally everyone but Dorian and Sibyl are pretty worried about this
because these kids hardly know anything about each other beyond cup size
except actually Sibyl’s mom isn’t really worried
cause Dorian seems rich
and Lord Henry isn’t really worried
because who needs worrying when you have all these whores to take care of?
so actually the only people who are worried about this
are Basil, who worries about everything cause he’s no fun
and Sibyl’s bro
who is a sailor
and so is blessed with the ability to see fiascos coming from MILES AWAY.
That’s a thing sailors can do
because of storms or something
you can trust me on this
I rode my bike past a couple boats the other day

anyway, Sibyl’s bro is like SIBYL
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THIS GUY IS CLEARLY A BIG BUCKET OF FIASCO
I CAN TELL BECAUSE I AM A SAILOR
and Sibyl is like pshaw, bro
have you SEEN his junk?
I think i’m in love!
Everyone wears such tight pants in this day and age
IT IS TRULY A GOOD TIME TO BE A LADY
and her bro is like alright dude
but if he breaks your heart
I swear I’ma kill him
OOPS LOOK AT THAT
TIME FOR ME TO GO TO AUSTRALIA AND LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE AT FIASCO CENTRAL

So Dorian is super excited about his upcoming marriage
and he takes his posse
(thems being Basil and Henry)
to go see Sibyl do some Shakespeare
in preparation for him going to do some Sibyl
but oh shit what is this?
It turns out Sibyl SUCKS AT ACTING NOW
because she is so genuinely in love with Dorian
that her fake emotions don’t work anymore
she’s like DON’T YOU SEE, DORIAN
NOW THAT I’VE MET YOU
I CAN QUIT ACTING AND WE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER
and Dorian is like uh
that’s kind of a dealbreaker actually
peace
(somehow this reminds me of a much more realistic version of the gift of the magi)

So Dorian gets home
oh yeah and he has that painting now that Basil made of him
and when he gets home he goes and looks at it
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE PAINTING APPEARS TO HAVE CHANGED
now it is sneering in a really infuriating way
so Dorian covers it up with a towel so it won’t watch him while he sleeps
and he goes to bed feeling kinda bad about the whole Sibyl thing
but then he wakes up in the morning and it turns out she killed herself
and he’s sort of upset
but then Henry is like WHY WORRY ABOUT THAT
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORRYING ABOUT
MORE WHORES
BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW, MY FRIEND
MORE WHORES
IS THE ONLY KIND OF WHORES
THAT RHYMES
and Dorian is like YOU MAKE SUCH BRILLIANT POINTS
LET’S GO GET FUCKED UP AND NEVER BE SAD AGAIN

MANY YEARS PASS
Dorian stays true to his word
he basically goes through life like King Midas
except instead of gold
everything he touches turns to debauchery and suicide
seriously
this dude’s friends are killing themselves faster than toddlers in an antifreeze factory
i’m sorry, that was kinda tasteless
BUT THAT ANTIFREEZE SURE WASN’T
but yeah, this guy is cruel and unusual

he is cruel mainly in the ordinary ways
like with drugs and being an asshole and stuff
but he is unusual in that the more fucked up he gets
the more fucked up his portrait gets
(he keeps it in his attic now)
but he just STAYS PRETTY
and everyone is hearing all these rumors about him
but they’re all like WE CAN’T BELIEVE THOSE RUMORS
THIS DUDE IS JUST WAY TOO PRETTY

man, whoever is in charge of cursing paintings or whatever
let me just say right now
I would def give my right nut to be so pretty people considered me infallible

ANYWAY
one day Dorian is on his way home
and he sees that Basil guy walking through the mist towards him
and he tries to avoid him, but Basil has like a homing beacon for assholes
so he rolls right up to him and he’s like HEY DUDE
I HAVE TO WARN YOU:
PEOPLE ARE SAYING TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU
and Dorian is like Yeah well
those things are all true
and Basil is like WHAT? NO.
and Dorian is like naw dude check it out
look at this portrait in my attic
and Basil is like HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY PAINTED THAT
and Dorian is like Yeah
and now it’s all fucked up because of shit I did
oh, and also I’m murdering you now
okay and now I’m going to go establish an alibi
and then I’m going to blackmail a chemist I know to dissolve your body in acid
then I’ll act kinda weird at some parties for a while
and finally head off to the opium district to get so fucked up my problems disintegrate
how do you feel about that?
and Basil doesn’t say anything because he’s dead and Dorian is high as balls

But when Dorian leaves the opium den
some chick is like OOH THERE GOES PRINCE CHARMING
and Sibyl’s sailor bro just happens to be hanging out there
WAITING for Dorian to drop in
so he chases him down and he puts a gun to his head and he’s like DUDE
I don’t know your name
or your face
but my sister used to be engaged to a dude she called prince charming 18 years ago
and that is all the evidence I need to shoot you with bullets
because frankly
we live in a time before the internet
and research is hard

but Dorian is thinking fast
despite all the opium playing bumper cars in his cerebrum
so he’s like Dude
If I really was the dude who fucked over your sister
I wouldn’t still be lookin’ this good 18 years later, would I?
and the sailor is like Well, you DO look pretty good.
You go on home now, totally unsuspicious handsome guy
sorry to have bothered you.
And then he goes back to the opium den and everyone is like DUDE
THAT WAS TOTALLY THE GUY YOU WERE LOOKING FOR
and he’s like FUCK

So he goes back to chasing Dorian
like the revenge-crazed Elmer Fudd to Dorian’s Sociopathic Bugs Bunny
and he manages to track Dorian down while Dorian is hunting
but it turns out british dudes are really terrible at hunting
so some guys just accidentally shoot the sailor in the face while he’s skulking in the bushes
and Dorian is saved once again!
DID YOU COME TO THIS BOOK EXPECTING JUSTICE?
YOU DON’T KNOW OSCAR WILDE VERY WELL, DO YOU MY FRIEND?

Okay so cut to Dorian lounging with his old pal Henry
and Dorian is like Hey man
remember Basil?
Totally murdered that guy.
And Henry is like No you didn’t, Dorian
you’re too sexy for murder.
And Dorian is like Oh, right.
Well anyway I’ve decided to change my ways
like, the other day I was out in the country
and I totally DIDN’T seduce a farmer’s daughter I saw standing around.
How about THAT?
And Henry is like Nope.
No, no, no.
You’re not going to change your ways, Dorian.
You are too sexy to change your ways.

So Dorian is like FUCK
FINE
and he leaves and goes up to his attic to see his portrait
to see if his half-assed promise to be good made his painting any prettier
and obviously it didn’t
except that now his portrait looks like a total hypocrite
and that really pisses Dorian off, I guess
so he whips out a knife and stabs that painting right in its hypocrite face
and the next thing anyone knows
there’s this crazy scream from upstairs
and everyone goes up there to find a perfectly unharmed portrait of pretty young Dorian
and some gross dead old dude stabbed to death on the floor
but when they check his copious amount of rings
they discover
THAT THE OLD MAN IS ACTUALLY DORIAN GRAY HIMSELF.
WHO DID NOT SEE THIS COMING?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
THEN USE THAT HAND TO SMACK YOURSELF.

so the moral of the story
is don’t stab a magic portrait of yourself that grants you eternal youth.
pretty basic stuff, really.

THE END.

If Your Last Name is Lambton, I Pity You

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3

Okay!
So!
There’s this dude named Lambton
he comes from a long line of dudes who are named that
and some of those dudes were/are pretty rich
but this particular Lambton is just a regular dude, mostly
he likes to go fishing and yell obscenities
two fitting and proper things for a young man to do
and one day he is doing both of these things simultaneously
when he gets a nibble on his line
and reels in
A REALLY FUCKED-UP LOOKING WORM
so he’s like “ew, gross” and throws it in a well
and then a mysterious stranger comes along like “oh no
it looks like that worm in that well has nine mouths!”
and Lambton is like “Eh, whatever.”

FLASH FORWARD SEVERAL YEARS
Lambton has grown to regret his days of fishin’ and swearin’
and has joined the crusades to make up for his grievous crimes
by killing a bunch of dudes in a foreign country
which means he is miles away from his home town
when the worm he caught suddenly becomes FUCKING MASSIVE
seeing as there are no predators to worry about in the well
and it starts terrorizing the countryside
eating houses and sucking on cow tits
and the only way anyone is able to keep the worm happy
is by offering up a whole assload of milk every day
and if they don’t
it throws a tantrum
and i don’t know if you’ve ever seen the kind of tantrum a worm with 9 mouths can throw
but I know for sure that I haven’t
and also that I do not want to.

So finally Lambton gets back from the crusades
only to find that his hometown has become an UNHOLY CTHONIAN NIGHTMARE VILLAGE
and he’s like “well, I just spent several years swording people
it shouldn’t be too big of a jump for me to start swording worms
but still, I better ask some bullshit oracles for advice.”
So he goes and hits up an oracle
and the oracle is like “okay yo check it
you will totally kill the worm
but then you have to immediately sacrifice the very first living thing you see
or else the next nine generations of dudes in your family will NEVER DIE IN THEIR BEDS”

okay
freeze frame
that does not sound like a bad thing to me
if I was assured that I would never die in my bed
I would just spend 100% of my time
sleeping and getting laid
FOR ALL ETERNITY
I mean if the curse was something like
“the next nine generations of your family will never die EXCEPT BY PROLONGED RECTAL CANCER”
that would seem like a bad thing to me
I mean that’s a curse you can really get behind, so to speak
ha HA!
ANYWAY

so Lambton hears this curse
and he comes up with a pretty solid plan for avoiding it
see, he goes to his dad
and he’s like “When I kill the worm, I will blow my hunting horn 3 times
and then you gotta release my favorite hunting dog
and she will come running over to me
and then I will kill her
it will be pretty sad
but it is better than suddenly running into a hot chick
and having to stab her or be cursed
I hate when that happens.”
and armed with this solid plan
and also a sword
and a suit of armor made entirely out of spears
Lambton heads over to the worm’s crib

So the worm is all up on Lambton before you can say “oh god there’s a worm all over my body”
but Lambton is giving no fucks
because his spear armor is carving that bitch UP
but the worm is managing to give even LESS fucks
because every time a spearpoint chops it in half, it just puts itself back together
my friends
this worm is giving less fucks
than there are chunks of its mutilated body writhing around
but Lambton just keeps on truckin
and finally he manages to chop that worm in half so hard
that it is forced to give at least a few fucks
and those fucks
ARE ITS LAST

So Lambton is pretty jazzed
and he blows his horn to have his dad release the hound
but when his dad hears the horn
he is SO EXCITED TO HEAR THAT HIS SON IS ALIVE
that he completely forgets everything that they have arranged
and just comes running into the clearing himself
and then Lambton is like “fuck
so either I can kill my dad
or curse my family for nine generations?
great job, DAD”
then he calls his dog and kills that
basically for no reason other than to relieve the stress
generated by the fact that now his family is super cursed
hooray!

So the moral of the story
is that there is at least one scenario
where it would probably be okay
to stab your dad.

The end.

The Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a Rousing Tale of Violence and Pals

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Hoo boy
finally got around to cracking open this gargantuan volume
lent to me by none other than world-renowned MC “Slick” Nick Gold-dick
(his dick is actually made of gold, guys)
So I’m just gonna tell you what happens at the beginning of this thing:

Alright so
BACK IN THE DAY
there is this dynasty in China
called the Han dynasty
and it’s doing great
but then it stops doing great
wanna know why?
EUNUCHS
that’s why.
Yeah
these no-ball-having motherfuckers are all up in the king’s ears
telling him to do dumb shit
like uh
well
like chopping off people’s balls and then making them your advisors I guess
and meanwhile, all these fucked up omens are going on
like one day a SNAKES start falling out of the ceiling in the castle
and also there are tornadoes
and black vapor flying into the throne room
and pestilences
and rainbows?
yep
and some sage dude figures out that this is all because of the eunuchs
but the eunuchs are TOO POWERFUL so that have that dude put under house arrest
and then they become SO POWERFUL
that the king literally starts calling them “Daddie”
GREAT

BUT MEANWHILE
out in the country there is this dude named Chang Chio
he’s an angst-ridden med student who is wandering around in the woods one day
when BAM
ANCIENT SAGE ALL UP IN HERE
and the sage is like COME INTO MY CAVE SON
YOU HAVE JUST WON THREE COPIES OF THE BOOK OF HEAVEN
and Chang Chio is like oh shit, what does that do?
and the Sage is like IT GIVES YOU POWERS, SON
POOF
and he disappears
and all of a sudden Chang Chio is a FUCKING WIZARD

So Chang Chio makes a lot of friends real fast
because the fastest way to make friends is to be a fucking wizard
and then he’s like whoa
wait a second
I’ve got all these friends I’m not using
how about I have them TAKE OVER THE EMPIRE FOR ME
so he makes everybody put on yellow turbans for some reason
and then they go to war

But here is the problem with war, my friends:
war is a thing that is fought between maybe like ten or twenty powerful dudes
using about a million really poor and desperate dudes
and along the way, setting fire to all those poor desperate dudes’ houses, families, and livestock
so word gets around that there’s about to be a war on
and that the war is scheduled to steamroll right through the Yuchow Prefecture
and so the Prefect of Yuchow is like “oh damn”
“I like having a home.”
“maybe we should defend ourselves.”
so he has the great idea of putting up signs all over town like “WANTED:
AN ARMY.”
like that’s gonna work

But here’s the thing:
IT TOTALLY WORKS
because this one dude happens to see the sign
and his name
is LIU PEI
and if you don’t think this dude is the real deal
let me describe him to you as he is described in the book:
Okay, so he’s real tall first off
and also he has really long ears, like touching his shoulders
and his hands hang down below his knees
and his eyes are bugged way out so he can see BACKWARDS
PAST HIS REALLY LONG EARS
of COURSE this dude is a hero
when you look like that, it’s either war hero or the FUCKING CIRCUS
and he’s looking at this want ad, and sighing SO HARD
that he attracts the attention of ANOTHER crazyass soon-to-be war hero
this bald freak named Chang Fei
and Chang Fei is like DUDE
FINALLY SOMEONE WITH EYES AS HUGE AS MY OWN HUGE EYES
LET’S START AN ARMY
and Liu Bei is like DID YOU SAY “LET’S GO GET DRUNK?”
and Chang Fei is like CLOSE ENOUGH

so they go to the club
and they are getting tipsy
when all of a sudden this HUGE dude with EVEN BIGGER EYEBROWS rolls in
and he’s like SERVE ME UP SOME DRANK ON THE DOUBLE
I AM ON MY WAY TO JOIN THE ARMY
and then Liu Bei and Chang Fei remember what they were supposed to be doing
and they’re like DUDE
how would you like to join OUR ARMY
RIGHT NOW
and this dude
who’s name is Guan Yu
is like YESSSSSSSS

so the three of them swear to be bros forever
and they slaughter some oxes to prove they’re serious
and then they lure a bunch of townspeople into the army by having a fat feast
and they get these SICK weapons
like Liu Bei gets a double-edged sword
and Guan Yu gets this curved blade that weighs about a million pounds
and Chang Fei gets a spear

So the yellow turban dudes show up pretty soon
and these three dudes and their 500 other dudes stomp the shit out of them
obviously
because they’re the protagonists
I mean, I could get into how they do it
but that part is pretty boring, honestly.
I’m sure you can imagine a way better version of all these battles
replete with flying bears and a dismemberment machine
although to be fair, that’s basically what Guan Yu is.
Anyway, instead of going home, these dudes CONTINUE GOING TO WAR.
They go to war AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
but by the time they get to war
the battle is already over
it was already solved by the imperial troops
who basically just set all of the yellow emperor’s guys on fire
and then this guy named T’sao T’sao showed up commanding imperial troops
and there’s this brief aside about what a perfect asshole he is
and how some sage basically said that one time
and he was raised by eunuchs
which is like being raised by wolves
except the wolves are people and they have no balls
but ANYWAY
then Liu Bei and Co show up to ANOTHER battle and they basically win it singlehandedly
and the dudes they saved are like WHO ARE YOUR OFFICERS
and they’re like UH
WE DON’T HAVE THOSE?
and the dudes are like oh well let us just dish out some MAD DISRESPECT to you then
and Guan Yu is ready to decapitate everybody
because that is what he do
but then Liu Bei is like dude

Chill out.

and that is only the BEGINNING of the story
but SO FAR
it seems like the moral of the story is
if you don’t like how shit is going down in your neighborhood
start an army
i mean, it seems pretty easy
just have a barbecue and give swords to whoever shows up.

NOT the end

Charlemagne is Heteroflexible

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Here’s one I learned from Italo Calvino:

Okay so Charlemagne is this guy you may have heard of
he used to be the king of france or something
pretty great dude all around
you can play as him in Age of Empires 3 I think
BUT WHEN OUR STORY BEGINS
dude is being totally unreasonable about a hot chick

Now friends,
I know a hot chick is not an unusual thing to be unreasonable about
but dude is being SERIOUSLY unreasonable
like most dudes get a little stupid around bonafide hotness
but that stupidity generally only extends to hot chicks who are not corpses
but this chick we are talking about here
she has DIED
and Charlemagne is still swoonin’
he’s got her up in his bed
doing god knows what to her
and everyone is starting to get a little grossed out
ESPECIALLY the archbishop
because if you are the archbishop of a big kingdom like this
it is kind of a black mark against you
if your boss is a necrophiliac

But the archbishop has mad respect for Charlemagne
he figures that there’s gotta be something fishy going on
like magic or some shit
so he sneaks into Charlemagne’s room in the middle of the night
and he sticks his fist in the hot chick’s mouth
and what does he find under her tongue?
A MAGIC RING
DUH
but no sooner does the archbishop take it
then Charlemagne wakes up and falls INSTANTLY IN LOVE with the archbishop

So Charlemagne is dragging this archbishop around with him wherever he goes
they eat together
go hunting together
they sleep together
which is really the great thing about being a king, I think
is that a truly legit king can be as gay as he wants
and no one can really say shit about it

but finally the archbishop gets bored of all this affection and ass-sex
and he’s like dammit
what am I going to do with this ring
if I just leave it lying around
who knows what kind of twank is going to pick it up
but if I keep holding onto it I am looking at either death by exhaustion
or rectal prolapse
OH I KNOW
I’LL THROW IT INTO A LAKE

so he does
but all that does is make Charlemagne fall in love with the lake
and then he builds a chapel there and spends all his time there forever
and it’s really kind of a shitty place, so that sucks.

Alright so the moral of the story
is that if you find yourself falling in love with someone
stick your hand in their mouth real quick
just to make sure it’s legit.

THE END.

Andromeda is in a Galaxy of Trouble

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So here’s one I totally glossed over back in the day

Okay, so there’s this kingdom with some dumb rulers
the queen (Cassiopeia) is real pretty
and the king (Cepheus) is just kinda there
so Cassiopeia gets it into her head that she’s not just real pretty
she is THE GODDAMNED PRETTIEST PRINCESS IN THE WHOLE GALAXY
This is wrong for a number of reasons.

ONE: She is not a princess
she is a queen.
TWO: These are greeks we’re talking about
I don’t think they even had any idea what a galaxy was
THREE: Oh yeah, gods get pissed when you say shit like that.
WE ARE GOING TO BE FOCUSING MAINLY ON PROBLEM THREE TODAY.

So one of Poseidon’s nymphs pricks up her ears and hears this nonsense
or rather, she digs poseidon’s prick out of her ears
how did poseidon get his prick in both of her ears, you ask?
what do you think that trident is MADE OF, my friends?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS MADE OF

Anyway, this nymph hears Cassiopeia gettin’ all titflated over her beauty stats
and she’s like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.
POSEIDON:
SOLVE THIS BITCH’S MISCONCEPTIONS
WITH VIOLENCE.”
And Poseidon is like what’s that?
I can’t hear you over the sound of my dicks in your ears
and the nymph is like “I SAID KILL SOME MORTALS”
and Poseidon is like oh yeah ok
I do that all the time anyway.

So poseidon shows up at Cepheus’s palace like “Bad news, guys.
Looks like I’m gonna make a sea monster eat your daughter cause of some things your wife said
It would be nice if you could chain your daughter to a rock
you know
for the sea monster’s convenience.”
and Cepheus and Cassiopeia are bummed
but they have long ago come to terms with the fact
that sometimes they are going to have to give up daughters
in order to keep being arrogant all the time
so they chain their daughter Andromeda to a rock and they wait

but HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA, BATMAN
who happens to fly by right at this very moment but PERSEUS HIMSELF
he is sailing through the sky on a mile-high violence-boner
having just murdered medusa and taken her head
so he seas that sea monster getting ready to devour a hot chick
and he’s like “Holy shit, time to use my hero skills to nab some poon.”
so he runs down to Andromeda’s parents like “Hey guys
I will save your daughter from that monster
but then
FINDERS KEEPERS”
and the king and queen are both like “Okay okay sure”
So Perseus dive bombs that beast
and cuts its face open
and then he’s like “ALRIGHT, IT’S MARRIAGE TIME”
but then this other dude named Agenor pops up like HEY
ANDROMEDA PROMISED TO MARRY ME FIRST
and Perseus is like “Oh yeah?
Well pop quiz, douchelegs:
which one of us has a magic monster head that turns people to stone?
Oh man
are you having trouble answering my question?
Perhaps it is because I JUST TURNED YOU TO STONE WITH THIS MONSTER HEAD
HAHAHAHA”
then he grabs Andromeda and flies into space on his murderboner
and the rest is history
(and by history I mean constellations)

So the moral of the story
is that it would be a lot easier for you to get a date
if you had a monster head that turned people to stone.

Just sayin’

The Bear Necessities

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Hahaha holy shit
I totally forgot about this one
(see below for sad news about shirts, by the way)

Okay so there’s this nymph named Callisto
she’s hangin’ out, minding her own business
and for ZEUS: GOD OF LIGHTNING
hangin out minding your own business is the SEXIEST THING IN THE WORLD
so he’s got his dick out and everything
but he knows he’s gotta be super crafty
because Callisto has already been warned about the likes of him
by ARTEMIS HERSELF
the goddess of NO SEXY-TIMES FOREVER
so here’s what he does
are you ready for this?
okay
so Zeus turns into Artemis
and he goes down to Callisto like “Hey
remember all that stuff I said earlier about no sex?
Haha what a wacky miscommunication!
What i meant was every sex
all the time
starting NOW”
at which point Zeus leaps out of his ladysuit and
(in the words of one of the more watered-down versions I found)
“Makes Callisto his girlfriend.”
wow
that’s gotta be the creepiest euphemism for the nonconsensual crotch-gouge I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, Callisto gets pregnant
like ya do
and then she happens to run into her old pal Artemis
who’s like “hey girl what’s up where have you been?
not having any sex, I hope!
HAHAHAHAHA!”
and callisto is like “Uh yeah.”
and Artemis is like “Great!
Let’s celebrate by getting naked and rubbing soap all over each other
and then killing any men who happen to stumble upon our incredibly sexy bath routine”
and Callisto is like “Uh”
and Artemis is like “NONSENSE. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES”
but when Callisto takes off her clothes, it is pretty obvious she’s preggo
cause Zeus’s manbatter rises quickly, if you know what I mean
so Artemis is like “YOU SLAG
GET OUT”
Wow
way to support a woman who has just been raped, Artemis
you do a real bang-up job of sticking up for your girls.
Anyway then Callisto goes off on her own and has a baby named Arcus.

MEANWHILE
Artemis is up on Olympus gossiping with Hera
and she’s like “OH. MY. GOD, Hera
I had this one nymph in my posse, right
her name was Callisto
and what did she do?
she went and got herself RAPED
by your HUSBAND.
God, the nerve of some people”
and Hera is like “YES.
THE NERVE.”

Awesome
so now justice is about to be served for real
let’s cut on over to Zeus’s place to watch the shit hit the fan.
… Wait
nothing’s happening over here
Zeus is just hangin’ out listening to his favorite jams
where’s Hera?
Where could she possibly be?
Oh
there she is
over there, where Callisto is
REVENGIN’

she’s like “Oh hey there, slankblanket
so you like humping my husband, huh?
well how about I turn you INTO A BEAR
RAAAAAAR”
and at first Callisto is like SWEET, BEARS ARE AWESOME
but then she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR
and then even later she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR AND I’M SAD
because she misses her son
who didn’t turn into a bear
and got raised by his grandpa instead
but then it’s okay
because one day fifteen years later
Arcus is out hunting and he TOTALLY RUNS INTO HIS MOM
and his mom is like YAYYYY MY SON
and her son is like OH FUCK A BEAR
and he shoots an arrow at her
like ya do
and she’s about to get TOTALLY MURDERED
when Zeus hears the sounds of her screaming over his favorite jams
and he’s like OH SHIT
PROBLEMS
QUICK:
BULLET TIME
and then the arrow goes into SLOOWWWWW MOTION
and Zeus comes down and he’s like ok let’s see
I could just move this arrow so it doesn’t kill Callisto
but that’s LAAAAAME
FUCK IT
EVERYONE IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
So Callisto becomes Ursa Major
and Arcus becomes that other bear constellation
even though he wasn’t a bear and that kinda sucks for him but oh well

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is that bears are people too
really gnarly radical people with sharp claws who will try to murder you
and then time stops and you turn into bears also.

THE END.

Uh oh Shirts

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Hey guys
sad news:

after I run out of shirts this time around
(and I’m pretty close to doing that)
I will not be selling the Norse Crisis Flowchart shirt anymore
at least not in the foreseeable future.
Here’s why:
first of all, I’m going to be sequestering myself on a farm from the beginning of July through late August. A farm is not the ideal place for making/selling shirts my friends, and this is a fact.
second, after a fiasco with paypal, involving an order that got put off during finals week, then cancelled, then reordered, then put off again, my account is now in trouble, and one more misstep could mean deactivation or at least something gnarly. I don’t want to deal with that right now.
Third, I’m just plain tired of making these shirts right now! If someone was making them for me, that would be different, but I’ve had enough of running to my studio every week to screenprint and keep up with the orders and stuff envelopes and mail these bastards.

So yeah, come get ’em while the getting’s good. I’m already out of Ladies’ mediums, and I only have 1 more each of Ladies’ Larges and Mens’ Xtra Larges.

It’s been a good run, but all good things come to an end.
(Myth later tonight)

As if I Needed Another Reason To Hate Cats

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Today’s myth goes out to Thunderdome veteran
Elayne “The Pain” McClain
it is about the origin of species
or at least one specie in particular
is that the singular of species?
whatever
HERE WE GO

So in hell
(and I’m going to call it hell
because this story was made up fairly recently
and all the gods in it were made up too, I think
so I am going to call them whatever the hell I want too)
the height of animal technology
is the snake
dudes are all about snakes down there
they’ve got it all:
they’re poisonous
hard to spot
sociopathic
what’s not to love?
So they start this massive ad campaign
to get the people who don’t live in hell to start liking snakes
predictably, this does not work
because people who do not live in hell
have way better animals to choose from
THAN FUCKING SNAKES
a couple gods even go so far as to make a bet with each other
that one of them is going to make snakes popular first.

they both lose.

Let me reiterate, friends
the animal in question is not a koala
or a llama or an adorable chipmunk
the animal is FUCKING SNAKES
I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER ANIMAL
THAT CAN TURN PEOPLE TO STONE
JUST BY BEING SOMEBODY’S HAIR.

but finally this snake problem goes up the chain of command
to some really important hell-dude called
uh
let’s call him Scruffles
and Scruffles is like HM
THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT THESE SNAKES
OH SHIT I HAVE A PLAN
so what he does
is he goes all around the world and does some demographic research
about why people fucking hate snakes
the problems are these:
1 – scales are gross
2 – no one wants to be friends with something that will poison them in their sleep
3 – no legs
4 – no ears either
5 – too much tail
6 – fucking snakes. I hate snakes.

so having done this market research
Scruffles tracks down a snake and he’s like hey
how about a little elective surgery
and the snake
who has just watched Indiana Jones shoot a dozen of his pals in the face
is like “YES PLEASE.”
So Scruffles takes this snake
and gives him some ears
and puts hair on him
and some legs
and gives it a body, but leaves a good amount of tail
and he can’t take away its gleeful sociopathy
so he does the next best thing
he takes away its venom
and replaces it with RAZOR SHARP CLAWS
and suddenly everyone is all about this thing
which is
YOU GUESSED IT
a cat

so that’s why cats and snakes have pretty much the same eyes
and they’re both shitty and they don’t care if you live or die
and witches make friends with them
and if you grab a cat’s face and hold your hand over its ears
it totally looks like a hairy snake
so good luck getting that image out of your head

now I think we can all agree on the moral of this story
which is that if someone doesn’t like a thing you like
you can easily win them over
by changing that thing into a completely different thing that they like

THE END.