Author Archives: Ovid

A trio of sightless rodents

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Short one today
to make up for the LONG LONG FUCKITY LONG one from tuesday
also I have to get on a plane to LA in a couple of minutes
so here we go:

alright so there’s these three mice
they have vision problems
SEVERE vision problems
straight up macular degeneration cataracts glaucoma 3x combo
and their health insurance is SHIT because they are MICE
seriously
these dudes could not see the back side of a barn
which is problematic
because they LIVE in the backside of a barn
or at least somewhere on a farm
cause see one day the farmer’s wife comes sauntering by
and they’re like HOLY SOMEBODY’S COMING
WE’D BETTER DO THE SENSIBLE THING
AND START CHASING HER
so they do
or maybe they thought they were running away
but need I remind you they are FUCKING BLIND
so they are just running all up at her skirts and shit
and she is like EEK EEK EEK
OH WAIT
THOSE ARE MOUSE NOISES
I AM A HUMAN
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SEPARATES ME FROM FILTHY SQUEAKING BARNMAMMALS
IS MY ABILITY TO USE TOOLS
SPECIFICALLY THIS CARVING KNIFE
so she just turns around like SHABAM FLOORTWATS
and the mice have no clue what is about to happen because they CAN’T FUCKING SEE
so she cuts off all their tails
now let me ask you my friends
have you ever seen such a thing in your life?
if you grew up on a farm
the answer is:
probably

BUT MY FRIENDS THAT IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY
because apparently this is all some kind of fucked up allegory
for how there were these three dudes
named Hugh Latimer, Nicholas Ridley and Thomas Cranmer
they ran afoul of the queen at the time
Queen Mary the First
because they were being WAYYYY too protestant
especially Thomas Cranmer
who happened to also be the archbishop of canterbury
and that is kind of a conflict of interest?
so Mary rounds up these dudes
and she’s about to set them on fire if they don’t convert to non-protestantism
and Tommy is like WHOA WAIT
I TOTALLY TAKE BACK ALL MY PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID
I GET TO LIVE NOW, RIGHT?
and Mary is like uh nope
still gonna set you on fire
and Thomas is like WELL SHIT
I GUESS I TAKE BACK ALL THE NON-PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID THEN
PROTESTANTS 4EVA
and then he dies
and this is like that rhyme about the mice
because in this story
the three dudes who got burned represent the mice
except instead of being blind
they are protestants
and the queen represents the farmer’s wife
except instead of cutting off their tails
she sets them on fire
and the whole thing is about religion
which just goes to show
that if you are coming up with a rhyme to celebrate history
folks give you a LOT of leeway

THE END

MONKEY KING

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Okay so some guy recommended this myth to me
I forget his name
but it was probably something badass like Omar McPunchkittens
whatever
let’s talk about arrogant primates

So there’s this stone monkey
he hatched out of a stone egg
that’s normal
SO ANYWAY
this monkey becomes king of all the other monkeys
presumably because none of them want to have to try and punch him
seeing as he is made of STONE
so that’s pretty sweet
he finds them this secret cave under a waterfall and shit

BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS MONKEY
he’s like man
I’m made out of stone and I’m a king and everything
but you know what I’m NOT?
IMMORTAL
and the other monkeys are like dude
only sages and immortals and buddhas are immortal
and the monkey is like NOT A PROBLEM
IMMORTALITY AHOY

so he gets on a raft
which is a terrible dumb thing for a stone monkey to do
and then he sails for a long time until he finds some random sage
and in true kung-fu movie fashion
this sage dude has ol’ monkeytimes carry water and chop wood for 7 years
also he changes his name from ol’ monkeytimes to Wu K’ung
and then after seven years he’s like okay monkey guy
seems like you are serious about learning this shit
also you have done HELLA chores and I am pleased
so here
here are the 72 transformations of immortality
also a somersault that will carry you around the world
and Wu K’ung is like AWWW SHITTTT
dude lemme at least give you a couple bucks
to pay you back for all these sweet transformations
and the sage is like naw bro
just make sure to not use your powers for being an asshole
and the monkey is like oh haha sure okay

so he goes back to the other monkeys
and he has to save them from some demons or something
and then he’s like well shit
better get these dudes some weapons
so he does
and then he goes to the dragon king who lives underwater
and he’s like yo dude
i want a really great weapon
and the dragon king
who is FUCKING TERRIFIED of Wu K’ung
is like sure dude
have this 3,000 pound sword
(if you’re someplace that uses the metric system
I think that’s about 7 kilometers)
and Wu K’ung is all like NOPE
TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like ohhh shit
okay
here’s a 7,000 pound axe
and Wu K’ung is like NOPE
STILL TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like well uh okay
all we have is this huge iron bar that some guy used to make the oceans
and the monkey king is like PERFECT
I’LL TAKE IT
the staff is super huge
but it shrinks on command
and it also has its exact total weight written on it
which is like 13,000 pounds
and Wu K’ung is like hey guys
while I’m here
how about also some armor and sweet pimp clothes and fancy sandwiches?
and everyone is like sure okay dude just don’t hurt us

so the monkey king comes back to his monkeys
and they’re like DAMN BRO YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAZING
and he’s like uh yeah
I KNOW
NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE A NAP
TRY NOT TO GET BLINDED BY ALL MY SICK FINERY
so he falls asleep
and starts having this CRAZY dream
where demons are dragging him into hell
and he’s like whoa now FUCK THIS
and whips out his staff and brutally emasculates these demons
and then fancyswaggers right into the mouth of hell
into the inner sanctum or whatever
and he’s like HEY CHINESE SATAN
WHAT’S THIS ABOUT?
and chines satan is like uh
uh
lemme check the book that says when everyone is gonna die
oh
look
it says you’re gonna live to be like three hundred and-
FUCK THAT, says the monkey king
and he walks over to the book and he’s like lemme just fix that real quick
and just straight crosses his name out
and then crosses out the names of all his monkey pals
and then he goes back to earth and his monkeys are like yo dude where you been
and he’s like oh nowhere
just CUTTIN’ THROUGH THE RED TAPE OF HELL
LIKE MAYOR MCBADASS AT THE RIBBON-CUTTING FOR AWESOME ISLAND
WIELDING THOSE GIANT NOVELTY SCISSORS
LIKE A GUILLOTINE
OF JUSTICE

so word gets around
and everyone starts to get pretty worried about this dude
so finally they all go ask the Jade Emperor
who is like the king of heaven or something
if he can do something about this rambunctious monkey
so the Jade emperor invites Wu K’ung up to his place
and he’s like yo
monkey king
how would you like A ROYAL APPOINTMENT IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
and Wu K’ung is like FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION FOR MY AWESOME TALENTS
WHAT’S THE APPOINTMENT, KINGY-POO?
and the king is like
“Pi Ma Wen”
which means “Stable boy”
but apparently the monkey king doesn’t know chinese
so he goes ahead and does this shit job for TEN YEARS
until he finally realizes that his job
actually involves picking up literal shit
I don’t know why it took him ten years to realize this
but anyway he responds by breaking a bunch of shit and then going home
back to the monkeys
who are like DUDE
FUCK BEING A STABLEBOY
YOU SHOULD RUN FOR OFFICE
THE OFFICE OF “GREATEST SAGE EVER”
WE ARE NOT SURE THAT IS AN OFFICE
BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY MONKEYS
AND FRANKLY, EVEN OUR ABILITY TO SPEAK IS PRETTY REMARKABLE
BUT HEY MAN IT’S WORTH A SHOT
and Wu K’ung is like you know what
you’re right

so he makes this big banner that says he’s the greatest sage ever
and naturally this pisses heaven off
so the jade emperor sends some dudes to go fight him
along with like SEVERAL THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
but here is the problem:
the monkey king is like PRETTY MUCH INVINCIBLE
he can do crazy shit like pull out his hair and turn it into more of him
he can like
shoot lasers out of his face and multiply his arms and transmute flesh to fire
what I am saying is this guy’s power level is THROUGH THE ROOF
he makes short work of the armies
and then some other armies
and finally the jade emperor is like okay dude
you wanna be the greatest sage?
fine
that’s not even a thing
but check it out
we’ll even build you a fucking castle
and make you caretaker of a grove full of immortality peaches
and Wu K’ung is like OH MAN
I LOVE HOW MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS HAVE ONLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
then he busts into the peach orchard and eats like ALL THE PEACHES
even though he was immortal to begin with
so basically
what the fuck?

but so he eats a bunch of peaches
and he passes out in a peach tree
and these fairies come by to gather peaches for this sweet party
and they see that there are like NO PEACHES LEFT
and they wake up Wu K’ung
who has turned himself into a caterpillar for some reason
and he’s like WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
and they’re like uh
we were supposed to get peaches for this sweet party the queen is throwing
and Wu K’ung is like THE QUEEN’S THROWING A PARTY
AND I’M NOT INVITED?
BUUUUUULLLLSHIT
so he casts a spell on the fairies
(it doesn’t say what kind of spell
just any old spell
like maybe he set them on fire or bought them cotton candy
or just tattooed “STEAK” on all their foreheads
whatever)
and then he goes to the party
except he’s not content to just crash the party normal-style
no no no
he turns his hair into a PLAGUE OF SLUMBER-INDUCING LOCUSTS
then once everyone is asleep
he rolls in
gets PLASTERED
breaks a bunch of shit
including SEVERAL MORE ELIXIRS OF IMMORTALITY
(holy SHIT heaven is like oozing with this stuff)
and then he sobers up enough to realize he should probably get out of here
and he flies back down to earth and meets back up with his monkey bros
like DUDES I JUST TOTALLY CRASHED A PARTY
AND I STOLE ALL THEIR BOOZE AND BROUGHT IT HERE
SO WE CAN KEEP THIS PARTY GOING
ALL
NIGHT
LONG

but so then they wake up to find that perhaps they have partied TOO HARD?!
because now their mountain where they live is surrounded by EIGHTEEN NETS
and also EIGHTEEN MILLION THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
and also a whole pantheon full of PISSED-OFF GODS
but Wu K’ung is like it’s cool guys I got this
HIYAAAAAAAA
and BAM
he’s got SIX ARMS
EACH WITH A DIFFERENT CRAZY KIND OF WEAPON
like
he has so many arms
that about halfway through he runs out of real weapons to hold
and has to start making shit up
like KNIFE?
CHECK
AXE?
CHECK
CONSTANTLY OSCILLATING WHEEL OF FIRE?
CHECK?
but yeah
then he also bites off a bunch of his hairs and turns them into a tun of him
man male pattern baldness is gonna hit this guy HARD

but so the gods are STILL pissed off
I mean
if there is one surefire way to piss off gods
it is getting between them and their booze
so finally they pull out their ace in the hole
their ace in the hole is just some other god named Ehr-lang
which is not an intimidating name in any language
but actually he is a pretty formidable dude
his power level is substantial and all that
and what he does
which is actually pretty brilliant
is he grows like 10,000 feet tall
and then Wu K’ung is like OH IT’S ON BITCH
and he grows himself like ten thousand and ONE feet tall
and while they are busy godzilla-ing it up up there
all of Ehr-lang’s dudes just straight MASSACRE the other monkeys
and then the monkey king looks down and he’s like AW FUCK DUDE WHAT DID YOU DO
I THOUGHT I ERASED ALL THOSE GUYS OUT OF THE BOOK OF DEATH OR SOMETHING
and Ehr-lang is like WELL THEN MY FISTS MUST BE FOUNTAIN PENS
CAUSE I DONE PENCILED Y’ALL BACK IN FOR 11:00
WHICH IS RIGHT NOW
AND I GUESS I DIDN’T PENCIL YOU IN
BECAUSE MY FISTS ARE PENS
BUT ANYWAY THE IDEA IS I’MA KILL YOU
but by the time Ehr-lang is done backpedaling Wu K’ung has already run away
and turned into a bird
so it’s a good thing Ehr-lang has some kind of crazy GPS tracking device on him
he just starts chasing that bird like nobody’s business
by turning into ANOTHER BIRD
and this goes on for a while
with these two dudes shifting through basically every flavor of ornithological bullshit
and some snakes and fish and stuff also
and finally they just turn back into dudes
and start punching the hell out of each other
and the gods are watching like should we fix this?
yeah
we should fix this
so one guy throws this magic diamond ring at Wu K’ung
which knocks him out and then ties him up
this is a serious ring my friends
this is the kind of ring i would give as an engagement ring
because then if my fiancee tried to run away
BAM
ROPES AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS
I am just not very confident in my personal charisma is all ok?

but so the monkey king is like AWW NUTS
TOTALLY UNFAIR
and everyone else is like well
as long as we’re doing unfair things
why don’t we put this monkey in a pot
and MELT HIM so all his immortality comes out and we can maybe salvage it
and everyone is like THAT IS A GREAT IDEA
so they put him in a pot
and they set it on fire
and they leave him in there for FORTY-NINE DAYS
and then one guy opens it up to check on his ashes
and BOOM
OUT BUSTS THE MONKEY KING
like BITCHES
DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK UP IMMORTALITY IN THE DICTIONARY BEFORE YOU DID THIS?
IT MEANS I CAN’T DIE
IT’S NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE BULLSHIT PARKING SIGNS
LIKE NO PARKING BEFORE TEN PM
THERE IS NO WORKAROUND
YOU CANNOT JUST KEEP CIRCLING THE BLOCK UNTIL MY IMMORTALITY DISSIPATES
NO MY FRIENDS
IMMORTALITY IS A SIGN THAT SAYS “NO DYING ANYTIME”
“MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY”
“12AM TO 12AM”
“EVERY”
“DAMN”
“DAY”
so yeah basically the only thing anyone manages to accomplish by burning him
is turning his eyes a TOTALLY BADASS RED
so that’s when the gods are like fuck it
I’m out of ideas
somebody call buddha

so they manage to dig up buddha’s number
and he comes plummeting out of heaven like YO
MONKEY KING
LET’S HAVE US A CONVERSATION
and the monkey king is like sure okay what’s up
and the buddha is like dude
you’ve been being a real shack of tools these past several hundred years
and everyone would like you to stop
would you consider just chilling the fuck out?
and the monkey king is like dude
chill out?
I was just in a furnace for a month and a half
the only thing I am about to chill out is these beers I just stole from heaven
and buddha is like whoa whoa okay
a proposition then
if you can do a backflip out of my hand
you can go ahead and keep doing whatever you want
but if you can’t
I OWN you
and Wu K’ung is like psh WHAT?
your hand is like nine inches long
I can somersault AROUND THE WORLD
this is TRUE COMEDY, buddha
I accept your proposition

so buddha sticks out his hand
and Wu K’ung climbs on top of it
and he’s like ready
set
BACKFLIP
and he’s backflippin’ harder than a whole swimming pool full of breakdancers
until finally he stops
and he’s standing at the foot of these FIVE MASSIVE PILLARS
and he’s like HAH
I MUST BE IN SOME CRAZY ALIEN DIMENSION
LET ME MARK THIS PLACE FOR POSTERITY
so he carves his initials into one of the pillars
and then pisses on it for good measure
and then backflips back to where he started
and buddha’s like WHAT THE FUCK MAN
YOU JUST PISSED IN MY HAND
YOU LITERALLY JUST PISSED ALL OVER MY FUCKING HAND
HOLY SHIT DUDE
HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF BUDDHA’S INESCAPABLE PALM?
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?
and then buddha turns his hand into a mountain composed of a bunch of elements
and imprisons Wu K’ung under it for like several thousand years
with nothing to eat but iron pills
and nothing to drink but MOLTEN COPPER
until some sage decides he’s suffered enough
and releases him and gives him a new name
and they go searching for the mythic scriptures of buddhism
but THAT is a story for another time

so I think the moral of this story
is if you find yourself outmatched by a superior opponent
don’t fuck around
call Buddha FIRST

The end.

Ducks are Idiots

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I was in a record shop today
the record shop was also an arcade
I found a record entitled “So-and-So’s Waggish Tales”
and I am somewhat of a connoisseur of waggish tales
so I picked that shit up
and here is what I found:

So there’s this kid Peter
he does not give a FUCK
he lives in this crazy wolf-infested forest
and decides that today is a good day to just go blithely walking around
all over the place
totally leaving his gate open and everything
and since the gate is open
his duck also busts out the house
like QUACK QUACK QUACK TIME FOR SOME BAD DECISIONS
and then the duck jumps in the pond
and runs up on some other kind of bird
and the two of them immediately throw down
the little bird is like BITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FLY?
and the duck is like DOUBLEBITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN SWIM?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND
A VERY DRY BIRD
VERY
VERY
DRYYYYYYY
and while the two of them are busy arguing
a cat tries to roll up and pounce on the little bird
but peter is like HEY BIRD LOOK OUT
and the bird flies into a tree
and the duck swims into the middle of the pond
and the cat is left sitting at the bottom of the tree like hm
this basically sucks
and the bird is like HAHA TWATSHANKS LOOKS LIKE GRAVITY STRIKES AGAIN

so this goes on for a while
and then Peter is like shut the fuck up guys my grandpa is coming
and grandpa mcgee comes running out like PETER YOU WORTHLESS BARGE OF TITS
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BLITHELY WANDERING AROUND IN THE MEADOW?
THIS FOREST IS TEEMING WITH WOLVES
TEEMING WITH THEM
GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW
and peter is like pshaw
I ain’t afraid of no wolves
but he goes inside anyway because he does not want to get smacked
leaving the birds to continue hiding from the cat

but no sooner does peter go inside
then the wolf arrives
like hey guys there’s a party in my stomach and you guys are invited
and everyone is like HELL NO WE KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THOSE PARTIES
and the cat climbs the tree
the bird stays the hell away from the cat
and the duck apparently has an idiot fit and jumps OUT OF THE POND
and starts running from the wolf on spindly little duck legs
so he gets eaten
OBVIOUSLY
and then peter comes back outside like oh snap
time to be all courageous and whatnot
so he climbs to the top of this big stone wall he lives behind
and from there he hops into the tree
with a whole ton of rope
and he’s like okay bird
now’s your chance to not suck a whole lot
go down there and fly around the wolf’s head til he gets dizzy and passes out
and the bird is like sure ok
so he goes down there and starts baffling that carnivore
and meanwhile peter fashions a noose out of the rope
but no
he doesn’t do the rad thing and just straight hang that wolf right there
no instead he loops the noose around the wolf’s tail
and hoists him up into the tree
predator style
and then some hunters come out of the woods
firing their weapons indiscriminately
and peter is like WHOA GUYS WHOA
first of all
there are people here that you are sort of shooting at
second of all
we can make WAY MORE MONEY by selling this wolf to the zoo
help me do that instead of doing your job
and the hunters are like uh ok
and then everyone takes the wolf to the zoo
including the grandfather
who is none too happy about any of this
because he is old and that is his job
oh and also apparently the wolf has a really faulty digestive tract
because the duck is still totally alive inside his stomach
quacking and causing a ruckus
but it’s not like anyone cuts him out or anything
no
they just leave him in there to die

so the moral of the story
is if you have someone in your life who is a constant danger/nuisance
don’t kill them
killing is wrong
sell them to the zoo

THE END

Animals != Astronomical Bodies

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Today’s myth comes from IDAHO
and also the sexy supple typing fingers of MEGAZORD “HOTT RADIATION” BURLESQUE
it is about workplace harassment

OKAY SO COYOTES
they are everywhere
and they eat your cats and shit in your gardens
no one likes coyotes
this is because when given the slightest opportunity
Coyotes pull shit like this:

so there’s this place in Idaho or Montana or something and it has no moon
everyone hates it
because how are they supposed to have sexy late night disco parties?
electricity has not been invented yet my friends
this is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO

so everyone gets together and they’re like fuck this
we need a MOON
then we can truly bone
ALL NIGHT LONG
without anyone hitting their face on the bedpost
and getting like a bloody nose or something
and then it’s totally a turnoff for some people
SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
okay, okay what do we have a lot of that we’re not using?
oh I know
ANIMALS
HEY ANIMALS
and the animals are like yo hey
and the people are like HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU CRAWLS UP THERE AND REFLECTS SUNLIGHT
AND THEN WE CAN TRULY BONE
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
NOT YOU AND US
US AND EACH OTHER
WHAT ARE WE, FREAKS?
OKAY NOW GO UP IN THE SKY NOW
and fox
who is dumb and eager to please
is like OKAY GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST SUN
so he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a ball
and he starts reflecting the FUCK out of that sun
but here’s the problem my friends
fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB
it’s like straight up daylight all over the place
everyone caught with their wangs out
totally embarrassed
and they’re like hey fox
sorry buddy
but we need a little more mood lighting for this vigorous boning
gonna need you to step down from the sky
and fox is like aww okay
and then raven is like OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE
NOTHING IS SEXIER
THAN BLACKLIGHT
so raven flies up there
and he balls himself up
but see
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting shit
and pretty soon everyone is banging their faces on bedposts again
and not in the good way
i’m sure there’s a good way for that to happen
but so yeah everyone wipes the blood off their faces and sexparts
and they’re like okay raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff
seriously dude this is no good
so raven slinks back down to earth all humiliated
cause at least fox only got fired for being GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move
he’s like GUYS
LOOK AT ME
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR
THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING
IS TOTALLY OKAY
and everyone is like well we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric
but okay sure

so coyote gets his ass up in the sky
and he curls into a ball
and it’s perfect
it’s great
everyone is boning up a storm
but not a literal storm
that would be bad and probably interrupt the boning
no this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits
it’s great
you should have been there
but then Coyote gets all bored
because as we have already established
this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his priveleged position up in the sky
to start snooping
he’s all peeping in lasses’ windows
like HEY
HEY EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE SEXTUPLE TWANK TWISTER
COME LOOK
and everyone comes and looks
and susan doesn’t even come at all
because a screaming moon is the biggest bonerkill
Coyote also uses his moon powers to prevent justified theft and cheat at cards
basically no one is happy about this
so they totally fire him

but he’s like HAHA
YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME
I’M THE PERFECT COLOR
HOO-RAH
and everyone is like uh
there are pretty much a ho-jillion animals with the same color fur as you
case in point: rabbit
and rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either
get up there, rabbit
so rabbit gets up there
and ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing
FOREVER
and that is why coyote is always howling at the moon
he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is maybe we should consider firing the moon
cause I bet we have the technology
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some fucking rabbit

THE END

More Reasons Not To Be a Bird

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So on the one hand
this semester is almost over
on the other hand
THIS SEMESTER NEVER FUCKING ENDS
so in the interest of going back to sleep
or work or whatever it is I have to do today
here’s a short fable:

So there’s this eagle
he’s on top of the world
real fancydapper motherfucker we got going on here
why is it that these fables always start with an animal having a REALLY GOOD TIME
but by the end of the tale that is NO LONGER THE CASE?
could Aesop not be arsed to save up all the good times for a happy ending
I dunno
MAYBE ONE FUCKING TIME?
let me answer that for you:
nope

okay so this eagle
he’s flying along
and then he gets pegged with an arrow
RIGHT IN THE FACE
so he’s like oh fuck
this is the worst
this is way worse than what happened to that fox that one time
and then he falls out of the sky
and he breaks his everything on the ground
and as he’s dying
he looks at the arrow
and he notices that the feathers on the end
are his OWN
DAMN
FEATHERS
WHOAH

so the moral of the story is supposed to be something like
WE OFTEN GIVE OUR ENEMIES THE MEANS OF OUR OWN DESTRUCTION
but fuck that
how the hell are you gonna stop your feathers from coming out?
or if you’re not a bird
what about hair?
what is going to stop some wiley hunter/voodoo master
from stealing all your hair
and using a combination of street smarts and witchcraft to stab you in the face?
NOTHING, that’s what
except
not having hair
laser hair removal:
that is the REAL moral of the story.

THE END.

Grapes: Just Not Worth It

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5

Aw Jeez guys
I can’t believe I actually FORGOT to post a myth yesterday
that’s happened like what
FOUR TIMES EVER?
balls
oh well
Tuesday’s a shitty day anyway

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE FABLE YOU MIGHT KNOW

so there’s this fox right
he thinks he’s hot shit
all gallivanting around town
sexin’ up hot ladyfoxes
evading rambunctious dudehounds
(not dudes who are prowling for other dudes
I mean actual hounds
who are of the male persuasion
don’t read anything into that)
basically this fox is doing everything foxes are supposed to do
WITH PANACHE
until one day
he runs up on this tree full of grapes
I was unaware grapes grew on trees
I thought they grew on vines
but whatever
I guess the vines could have climbed the tree or something
seems like a lot of work for some vines though if you ask me
all the vines I know are super lazy
not that I’m generalizing or anything
I’m sure some of you know some very clean and industrious vines
BUT LOOK ANYWAY
this super slick super sassy fox guy
is like HEY GRAPES
HOWSABOUT YOU AND ME HAVE A LITTLE RENDEZVOUS
IN MY STOMACH
wait wait I said that wrong
I do not mean to imply that I will be in my stomach to meet you
i mean that YOU will be in my stomach
and I will be on the outside
digesting you
that’s how that works, right?
yes, ok
SO THE FOX STARTS TAKING RUNNING LEAPS AT THESE GRAPES
but the grapes are WAYYYY up there
because of these supernaturally industrious vines
so he is straight olympic-class failing all over the place
faceplanting so hard he is seeding ACTUAL FACEPLANTS
and finally he stops
and he wipes the blood off his face
and he’s like fuck this
I bet those are sucky grapes anyway
I bet they suck real bad
and then he goes home and he doesn’t talk about this to anybody

so the moral of the story
is foxes shouldn’t be vegetarians

THE END.

SATURDAY BONUS: SEXYTIMES AS SEACRAFT

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don’t go thinking this is gonna happen all the time
but sometimes maybe I will do a thing
where I just write something that is not a myth and post in on saturday
or do SOMETHING
I don’t know
but today I really just have something I need to get off my chest
it is about boats

guys I think the airplane metaphor for sex is way overplayed
wingman?
come on
where does a wingman even go
does he have to hold on to the wind of the supersonic jet that is your sexuality?
DOES NOT SOUND FUN
and you know what happens when you set yourself up with airplane imagery, right?
You get SHOT DOWN
and then you CRASH AND BURN
why would you take an already difficult and dangerous situation:
BONING
and staple it to basically the most highly dangerous form of transport
that you could POSSIBLY IMAGINE
might as well call your wingman your DYNOMITE TRAIN CONDUCTOR
or ELITE SPACESHIP JET FIGHTER ROBOT DROIDPAL
and I mean
while those both sound sweet
they do not leave you open to high probabilities of sexytimes
Piloting an elite spaceship jet fighter is HARD guys
and when it comes to sexytimes
the only thing that should be hard
is your PENIS
or someone else’s penis depending on if you are a guy or a girl or a gay dude
or maybe SEVERAL PENISES if you’re into that
or maybe no penises at all if you’re into THAT
look I don’t know
the common denominator is penises, though

and see on the other hand, boats are great
boats are super sexy
they have naked chicks on the front of them sometimes
and they go on the ocean
which everyone knows moves in a manner similar to sex
see also: the sea is a harsh mistress
also
huge, throbbing masts
also
if you fall out of a boat YOU DON’T NEED A FUCKING PARACHUTE TO NOT DIE IMMEDIATELY
YOU NEED SOME WOOD
OR A SMALLER BOAT
OR BASICALLY JUST ANYTHING AT ALL THAT DOESN’T SINK
AND DID ANYONE CATCH THAT I JUST SAID WOOD?
COME ON GUYS
your chances are way better with boats is what i’m saying
plus, consider this:
the mile high club is old news
anyone can buy a plane ticket and get all steamy in a cramped bathroom
full of 1-ply toilet paper and broken dreams
but what about the TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA CLUB
no i’m not talking about a club for people who have read that book
Shit, I never read that book
I spent the time I would have spent reading that book
getting laid in a SUBMARINE

so as you guys may know
I have already suggested a number of helpful alternatives
to our current aerocentric set of sex metaphors
for starters, we can replace wingman with poon sextant
and for a handy feminine alternative
something that the current SEXIST AIRPLANE SYSTEM does not allow for
we get titcaptain
also titstrolabe
with me so far?

okay, but see those are just the basics.
there’s a whole lot of nautical instruments out there
and the more of them we sexualize
the larger our arsenal of sexy sea terms becomes
or should I say be-CUMS
no
okay so anyway
let’s see
first we’ve got the terms that need no reworking
I’m talking about things like First Mate, Bulk Head, Poop deck
and I Like The Cut of Your Jib
but if we really want to make this work we’ve got to get creative
so for the discerning sexophile
looking to get “nauti” with some “seamen”
we’ve got the SpyglAss
the Main MAsst
the CutlAss
and the all-important CumpAss
or Cum-pass
although I don’t know how many situations you’re going to be in
where you really need to pass some cum around
maybe this goes hand in hand with that multiple penises thing I talked about earlier

but guys
nautical sexy talk is more than just finding the word ass buried inside other words
(much like a pirate buries treasure on a secret island
or like an ass-pirate buries treasure in a secret ass)
nautical sexy talk is a LIFESTYLE
don’t ask if they want to come back to your place
ask if they want to come back to the captain’s quarters
or if you’re feeling frisky
the captain’s hindquarters
Break the ice with “what’s kraken?”
and when that doesn’t work, bid them goodbye with a “sea you later.”
Take the time to find out what you really WOULD do with a drunken sailor
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE AS VAST AS THE BOUNDLESS HORIZON OF THE OCEAN HERSELF
AND LIKE, SIX TIMES AS SEXY
but I’m tired now, and I figure I’ve given you plenty to work with
so arm the cannons and hoist those masts, mateys
WE’VE GOT A WHALE TO CATCH

no wait that sounded wrong.

T’ieh-kuai Li is an evil ghost

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2

It is an indication of how my tastes change over time
that I apparently thought this story sucked the first time I read this book
either that or it is an indication
of how stupid past-me is

OKAY SO T’IEH-KUAI LI RIGHT?
keep that name firmly in your mind
because I swear that’s the only time I’m typing that
but anyway so this guy is a taoist immortal
he is already a taoist immortal BEFORE THIS STORY EVEN STARTS
he’s super adept at longevity and spirit travel
which basically means he can shoot his ghost out of his body
and then make it do things
like get groceries and shit
it’s a pretty cool trick and everyone is jealous
and it doesn’t help that this guy is like SUPER HOT
because of the longevity and secret taoist herbs and stuff
and he’s way proud of that
because I mean
why wouldn’t he be?

So one day
all the taoist immortals get invited to a sweet party up in
uh
wherever the hell these dudes hang out
so this guy goes to his servant and he’s like hey
dude
gonna shoot my ghost out of my body and into space
so i can go to a sweet party
hang out here and watch my body for a while, k?
just make sure it doesn’t like
get eaten by wolves or anything
and uh
we immortals
we tend to party pretty hard
I mean
we’re immortals
so if I’m not back in a week
just burn my corpse, ok
I’m probably so drunk it doesn’t matter
and the servant is like SURE THING BOSS

so this immortal dude goes ahead and vomits his soul up
and the servant sits there for DAYS
waiting for him to come back
shooing away pesky wolves
until the morning of the seventh day arrives
and a messenger shows up like HEY
SERVANT
YOUR MOM’S DYING
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SAY WHAT’S UP
and the servant is like aw fuck
the week isn’t technically over yet
but you know what
it’s been seven days
fuck it
so he sets the corpse on fire and goes to say what’s up to his dying mom
and like TEN MINUTES LATER the ghost shows up
and he sees his body on fire
and he’s like AWWWWW FUCK
oh well
I guess sometimes
your body just catches on fire
what are you gonna do?

and that’s a good question actually
because without a body
this dude is fucked
his ghost can’t last forever
he still needs some flesh to roll around in
PLUS
he’s super hung over and he could really go for a burrito
and ghosts don’t have mouths
so he’s floating around looking for a body
and he’s getting pretty desperate
when FINALLY
he discovers a dead hobo
decaying by the roadside
and he’s like aw man
do I have to
but burrito hunger is a powerful thing my friends
and he finally mans up and crawls inside the smelly hobo corpse
and that is how the most handsome of all the Taoist immortals
became a gross-ass hobo with a metal crutch

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is don’t hire servants with moms
or else one of these days
it is going to come down to a decision
between their mom
and setting your corpse on fire

THE END.

The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

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This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

” Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

THE END.“

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

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20

Okay so there’s some dudes right
they’re in england and they hate it and I don’t blame them
England sucks
happy america day assholes
So then they leave in some boats
and they go hit up amsterdam
because they hear that is where they grow the good weed
but then their kids start to do really terrible shit
like learn dutch
and maybe not be super christian all the time?
and no amount of good weed is worth that
so they get on some MORE boats
called the Mayflower and the Speedwell
and they sail to AMERICA
except apparently some smartass decided to name the speedwell ironically
and it is actually a slow as shit loserbarge
and it has to go home early and miss the america party
except it turns out that the america party is actually a really shitty party
because step one of the party is wait on a boat for FUCKING EVER
getting hungry and perpetually seasick
but at least someone has the good sense to poop out a baby
which they name OCEANUS
which is OBJECTIVELY RAD
but that is just about the only objectively rad thing in this whole story
because when they show up in America it is ULTRA WINTER
like if winter were to take steroids and then craft for itself a robot ice suit
and team up with mister freeze to spew catchphrases and ice beams
all over this damn country
and see they were kind of hoping to find some like
good wholesome christian white folks
in gated communities with supermarkets and bowling alleys
and instead they get SKULLFUCK RUTHLESS WINTER
ALL DAY
ALL THE TIME
ALSO ALL NIGHT
and a ton of people die
because that’s what winter is all about

but some people survive the winter
including BRAVE CAPTAIN MILES STANDISH
and he goes out and finds him some Indians
because remember
everyone still thinks they’re in india I guess?
and one of the indians is I guess named Squanto
and that indian teaches all the white dudes to plant CORN and BARLEY
and the white dudes are like THANK YOU KIND INDIAN
WE WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS SOLID YOU HAVE DONE US
AND PAY YOU BACK IN KIND FOREVER AND EVER
and then later all the crops sprout
and the white dudes go into the forest and shoot like A THOUSAND turkeys
also some deers
and then they cut them all open and invite EVERYBODY
and all the indians show up and bring crazy foreign shit to eat
and everyone is so super jazzed about all this food
that they do not stop partying for THREE DAYS
and there are NINETY DUDES
and HOLY CRAP THAT IS A PARTY
and then the party is over and the white dudes are like okay guys that was great
but we’re totally killing you now
you know
for your land
and the indians are like haha joke’s on you
you can’t kill us if we DIE OF SMALLPOX FIRST
and then everyone decides to relive this momentous occasion yearly
on an arbitrary thursday
by producing more food than they can possibly consume
and then goading each other into eating it
also: Families!

so the moral of the story
is next time you wanna have a party
but you are worried that you do not have a good enough reason
maybe just
have a party
seriously
your reasoning can’t be any worse than these pilgrim dudes

THE END.

(I actually really like thanksgiving though)