GOOD NEWS GUYS
SOME STRAPPING YOUNG LAD
GAVE ME TEN MORE DOLLARS
SO STARTING TOMORROW
IT’S GENESIS CITY USA
STARRING YOUR GOOD FRIEND
ME
ON VIDEO
WEARING A STUPID HAT AND NO SHIRT

We now return to our regularly scheduled program
of shouting and saying fuck alot

So some dude named puffs

wants me to do some more greek myths
because he thinks he is hot shit on par with zeus
and he wants me to just bend over
like some easily swayed mortal skank
and do what he says
and then who knows
maybe he’ll get me pregnant
maybe he’ll turn me into a fucking cow
or blow me up with lightning
there’s no telling with zeus

WELL FUCK THAT
YOU GET A MYTH ABOUT BUTTSEX TOUGH GUY

So there’s this place Gomorrah right
also this place sodom
they are characterized
by a special game everybody there plays
which is like the hokey pokey
except instead of dancing
you have sex with each other
and each other’s butts
and each other’s livestock i think
but other than that it is just like the hokey pokey
man when i was a little kid
in gymboree
we used to hold a bigass multicolored parachute between us
and do the hokey pokey
these guys in sodom and gomorrah
probably would have fucked that parachute

so one day god has had enough of this shit
because god doesn’t like looking at sex apparently
OKAY HERE IS WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND
You’re god, right
you make a universe
and like a world
and you put stuff everywhere
and you take some of this stuff
and you put holes in it
and then you take other things
and give them penises
and you are like now guys
guys
if you ever stick these penises
into any of these holes
it’s gonna feel SUPER GOOD
but don’t do it
i think it’s pretty gross
and i can see everything all the time
so seriously
quit it

WHY DID YOU MAKE SO MANY HOLES AND SO MANY PENISES
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON LOOKING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME
WHY IS IT THAT GOD CAN CREATE A SEX ACT SO LURID
EVEN HE CAN’T STAND TO LOOK AT IT

anyway so he sends these angels to sodom and gomorra
these three studly motherfuckers
like
these guys have so many abs
sometimes they break a few off
to give to those less fortunate
like maybe some oliver twist looking motherfucker
walking around with a ripped four-pack
all like please sir
can i have some more

OK WE ARE GETTING OFF TRACK
so these angels show up to someplace called Mamre
and they meet this dude Abraham
who is apparently a pretty cool dude
cause he is like hey handsome guys
come stay in my house with my wife and I
FIVESOME MAYBE?
but no
the angels just crash for a night
and then they’re like by the way
we’re on our way to go blow up sodom and gomorrah
and abraham is like no shit
hey god
and god is like YEAH WHAT UP
and abraham is like would you spare sodom
if you found
FIFTY RIGHTEOUS MEN IN THERE?
and god is like FO SHO
and abraham is like
what about 40
and god is like NO DOUBT BRO
and abraham is like
what about 30
and god is like I’D SPARE THEM CITIES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER
20?
SURE WHY NOT
15?
YEAH WHATEVER
10?
LOOK WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS
I SAID I’D SPARE THEM OK
and abraham is like ok ok
we still cool?
and god is like WE STILL COOL

so then the angels head for sodom and gomorrah
you know
to destroy it
and on the way they meet this dude Lot
who is actually one of Abraham’s nephews
and happens to live in Sodom
and is actually a pretty chill guy
or at least he’s a pretty chill guy by god’s standards
which means he only does it with chicks
well one chick
his wife
while lying on top of her
and trying not to enjoy it very much
so the angels are like sup lot
and lot is like hey guys
you’re pretty hot
wanna stay at my place
but not in a gay way
because i’m righteous
and the angels are like sure yeah

so they go to lot’s place
and all these dudes from the town show up outside
like HEY
HEY LOT
I SEE YOU GOT SOME HOT DUDES IN YOUR HOUSE
HOW ABOUT SENDING THEM OUT HERE
SO WE CAN KNOW THEM
AND BY THEM
WE MEAN THEIR BUTTS
AND BY KNOW
WE MEAN HAVE SEX WITH
LIKE
HAVE SEX WITH THEIR BUTTS
and lot is like sorry guys
that would make me feel like the WORST HOST
so here
take my 2 virgin daughters instead
you can do whatever you want with them
it’s fine
i know you guys are into some freaky shit
but it’s cool
they’re just my daughters
and the dudes are like WHAT IS THIS SHIT
WE ASKED FOR THREE MEN
YOU GIVE US TWO WOMEN
THIS IS A DISGRACE
WE’RE GONNA TAKE ALL THIS PENT UP RAPE ENERGY
AND USE IT ON YOUUUUU

so they go to bust down Lot’s door
and the angels are like FUCK NO
and blind all those guys
and then they’re like hey lot
now would be a good time
to take your wife
and your daughters who you don’t seem to care about really
and get the fuck out of here before we set this shit on fire
and lot is like sounds like a plan
but then the angels are like hey
one other thing
don’t look back towards the city
no matter how exciting it sounds
and lot is like sure fine ok

so lot and his wife and his kids are all running away
when god is like BAM BALAM MOTHERFUCKERS
and blows up sodom and gomorrah with fire and brimstone
and i guess it must sound REALLY FUCKING COOL
because Lot’s wife is like what is that
i simply MUST see
and she turns around like an idiot
and BAM
turns into salt for some reason
why is this what happens
am i now supposed to believe that all salt is made of dead people?
that is some creepy shit
i might not have french fries for a few days

look basically
what this goes to show
is even if you spend your life being super righteous
god is gonna get you
on a technicality
and turn you into some kind of seasoning
and then i am going to use you on my eggs

the end.